important. there are too many things in life that are important. but what i want to discuss now is my coffee.
yes my coffee. my delicious, hot, steamy cup of joe. its my best friend in the morning. oh yeah, we hang out during the day from time to time. but in the morning, its always there. close to my lips, making my heart race. my coffee. cream no sugar. mmmmmmmm
what? do i hear reverberations of "WTH is that lunatic talking about"? are you convinced that ive finally gone over the deep end?
no. not yet anyway. but i could be headed there.
you see, Ramadan is approaching. Ramadan is the holiest month of the year for muslims. we fast during daylight hours from food, drink, sex, cigarettes, even medicine (if it can be withheld safely or the times changed). all of this is not for a punishment but to learn to appreciate what others don't have. to, instead of gluttonizing ourselves, focus on Allah (who, in case you didnt know, is the same God of christians and jews) and hope we can get closer to Him.
its not like lent. no i dont have to give up anything. well yeah food and drink during the daylight hours is, ummm, difficult at best, but its only for a few hours each day.
but this year, at the request of someone dear to me who professes to be looking at my best interest, i will try not to drink coffee and coke zero during ramadan...point? to detoxify the body. to cleanse (you have to say this with a dignified air and prolong its pronunciation to make it work) my self.
strangely enough, this person seems to think i have an addiction to coffee.
what? an addiction to coffee?? MOI? i laugh at that thought. im sure i can do it with ease. yeah, umm sure.
but.....why now, then, am i sitting huddled here with my cup of hot delicious coffee. dont want to even put it down to type.
i changed my profile pic. and in the small print of it, i look like im cross-eyed.lool. folks i swear im not..at least i think im not. and dont let the pic fool you, im really gorgeous. people swear im halle berry all the time....cant you see the resemblance?
btw, we do have water now. so you can stop losing sleep over my lack of bathing and toileting.
well let me take that back. we HAVE water but we cant use it. the main line to the neighborhood burst yesterday evening. some people's homes were flooded so i guess i should just say alhamdullilah for that. BUT in the meantime, the water people came yesterday and said that it should be fixed by last night. BUT later that evening, they came back and said nope, not til the next day. they had done all they could do and could we please not use any water.
welllll. thats a pain in the arse let me say. we all had to "hold it" and all go at the same time to convenience store and use their restroom. i had to fill up a big bucket and lean off of my balcony and wash my hair, praying that no one was looking. i couldnt wash any dishes since yesterday afternoon. never mind brushing your teeth and walking around with a foaming mouth like you have rabies!!!
how many times did i forget that i couldnt use it and reach for the handle. zero. which is a miracle for me since i usually forget everything.
i was just praying that it wasnt going to be another night for my 5 year old waking up and having to puke.
so now? here we are....another morning without water. this is a good lesson for ramadan i suppose.
maybe in some ways, this post is partners with the one before it.
i have an anger building inside of me. no not violent anger. just anger at some things that are not in my control at all. im not a control freak. i just cannot for the life of me get a grasp on the things i want to grasp.
i am frustrated as hell. i am wondering why, why and how.
i am mad at myself, i am mad at my surroundings. IF i had no responsibilities? i would pack my bag and get in my car and go. where?
i dont know really. i dont want to go to a wonderful exotic place and have a vacation. i want to go somewhere where my senses can come alive.
no this is not going to be a lesson about salvador dali or andre breton!! sorry for the disappointment to all of you hungry surrealist art fans........i know youre out there!!
no this is about me, me, me. well it is my blog, who else is it going to be about?
have you ever felt...well..that youre life is surreal. that youre walking in someone else's shoes? all the parts of the play have been written and youre playing the leading role with all the props in place but inside you feel like youre also watching that play? and youre thinking to yourself, "who's life is this?"
yet youre the one who auditioned for this play and got the part. and you revise the role day in and day out.
but you dont feel connected to it. you wonder why you accepted this role.
perhaps you see things around you that are wonderful and interesting. perhaps you even sense something else that makes you feel.....safe. safe, comfortable and happy. you see brighter colors, smell wonderful smells.....but none of this belongs to you. youre only borrowing it for the moment.
no, youve accepted your role and youre committed to keeping your contract. you console yourself by saying, "perhaps had there been another place, another time".
but for now and perhaps forever, youll get up each morning and take your place on stage.
did i say this was about me, me, me? yet i addressed the majority of it as you, you , you? maybe its safer that way. maybe its more palatable to be on the outside looking in. surreal, right?
now just have the lingering sneezing and coughing and a rough throat that makes me sound like the ladies who have been smoking for 100 years (no i dont smoke). thanks to the wellwishers here and other places.
today is my youngest sons birthday. he 1s 18 now. i remember when i had him. his name is christopher. i remember spending the entire time at the hospital alone because no one came to see me.
you see, my first husband was convinced that he wasnt his...this was the way my ex husband was....questioned every child. but this time was worse.
in the small town where we were living, there was no hospital so i had to travel to the next city (an hour away) to see the ob-gyn and to deliver by c-section. so i had to find a way there since i didnt have a car at the time. no one went with me. no one came to see him. no one sent me flowers or a card. and no one came to pick me up. i called my sister in the next state to see if she could come to get me. no. she couldnt although she was less than 2 hours away from me. i think i called some medical transport place to take me home.
chris, he was my third son. my third child. but no one found any interest in him. even when i took him home no one came to visit.
he is very handsome now. he is 18, 6ft 4 inches tall. has worked at the pizza parlor for 2 years. he just received a promotion from dishwasher to cook.
his dad finally came round as did the rest of the family. but it wasnt easy.
chris has a quick temper and a big mouth sometimes (like his mom). but he's sweet to me. if i need anything he is there. i have a soft place in my heart for him because he is my youngest son plus i will always remember how no one was there for him the day he entered the world.
why cant getting sick be something that you stop doing once you hit the age of 18? i havent been sick in a long long time but i woke up with a sore throat. i drank some apple juice and i swear i thought it had razor blades in it. now? still hurts after a day of ibuprofen and rest. and the fever is starting. i cant remember the last time i had a fever.
for muslims, Ramadan is the holiest month of the year. Ramadan is actually the name of the islamic month in which the prophet, Mohammed, received the first revelations of the Qur'an from the angel jabreel (gabriel) while he was in a cave meditating.
we spend that month every year fasting daily, praying more, trying to become closer to God.
we are told that during the month of Ramadan, satan and his crew are chained in the darkest depths of hell leaving us to our own self. if we sin, we can not blame the devil during this time.
because of this, we know that the devil is working overtime to push people to commit bigger and worse sins prior to Ramadan.
im sure to non muslims this seems like a fairy tale, a comic book story. but i have seen it myself in prior years. i have felt it myself. i see it all around me. people turning from religion, people behaving badly toward each other. you get the idea.
ive felt myself get trapped by the whisperings from shaitan (satan). it helps to recognize the whispers and turn on your back on shaitan. to work harder than ever to prepare for Ramadan.
the rest of the year? oh yes we should turn our backs on shaitan the rest of the year too, but as i said...he is working overtime, maximum overdrive.
and i see it around me now.
audu billahi minash shaitan nirajeem. its a saying that means i seek protection in Allah from the accursed satan.
i have joined a forum or 2 over the past few years. they can be decent places to visit if you find one that is something youre really interested in. i tend to join a forum because im looking for people more like myself but one of the problems is, there are many people who join forums looking for people who are their opposites. religious forums tend to be the worst. there are members that visit just to argue, to let you know whats wrong with your religion or your god. i dont understand them really. i cant see myself joining a forum of jehovah's witnesses or mormons just to offend or insult them or to make them see what the problem is with their faith.
it makes you grow weary. when i was growing up a christian, well there were and are churches on every corner. there were people like you everywhere you go. you visited the church and it was filled to the rafters. but its not like that when youre a muslim in a smaller city in a western country. you may have to actually find a mosque (im lucky. theres one here in my town), then hope that you can get to know a handful of muslims. christians are famous, also, for having big shindigs. big social events where aunt sue brings here famous fried chicken and grandpa billy bob brings his family's ancient recipe for bbq. we had social gatherings frequently. and revivals!! big get togethers to hear the "word" and see our friends!!
its not that way so much with muslims. yes there are gatherings from time to time especially during ramadan but with many muslims being from other countries, we dont always connect. people have a tendancy to gather with their own. which is a little sad for me.
hence the forums. alot of muslims, alot of reverts (who who has converted to islam). we dont always agree on every thought but thats ok. we dont have to....but its the ones that come with their bags of tricks to bring us down that REALLY bring us down. make us weary and wish they would go elsewhere to insult and offend.
yes it does, doesnt it? and i mean very. was sleeping rather nicely in the wee hours of the morning only to awaken to the sound of my youngest daughter crying. as a parent, waking up to hear a child crying alarms you. i jumped up to see what the problem was. she was holding her belly and saying it hurt. i asked her does she need to go to the bathroom? no. do you feel sick like you have to vomit? no..it just hurts.
i put her in bed beside me and rubbed her stomach for her, thinking she could go back to sleep. no, that hurt. she pushed my hand away. she got up and went to the bathroom and stayed for about 5 minutes. got back in my bed, still grimacing. i was rubbing her forehead when she sat up and said "i cant take it anymore."
ok now thats alarming for any parent to hear. so i got up and started rummaging for the pepto bismol. the liquid was gone but i still had chewables. i gave her one. she held it in her mouth forever.
then it happened.
she got the big eyes. she stood up beside my bed. im asking what is it, what is it?? she stands there for another 30 seconds or so then pukes in my bed and on the floor. i told her to run, go go go to the bathroom. she runs around the foot of the bed then lets it go in the carpet again.
then to the bathroom for the grand finale....she's puking, im cleaning vomit out of the carpet.
something about having to vomit makes them develope amnesia. they dont know where the bathroom is anymore. they think the exact spot where theyre standing is the BEST place to let it all go. and the parent is left cleaning chunks of....whatever.
of course, i dont fuss about it....just clean it up. but i reminded her afterwards to please go to the bathroom the second she feels it coming.
she's curled up sleeping now. she said she feels so much better and thank you mommy, alhamdullilah.
but me? im still awake while the rest of the world still snoozes on a quiet sunday morning.