Tuesday, April 28, 2009

so many things have changed.

im tired. my mind and body are exhausted. i pray all of the time for courage, patience and peace.

i dont know if ill ever see elji or even hear his voice again. inshallah.

but one thing i do know. its something ive known for most of my adult life. i dont belong to this world. there is nothing comfortable here for me. i dont mean i want to die. this is not a suicide post. no. i just dont feel a part of anything.

elji has probably been the sole person to make me feel more comfortable than anything or anyone in my life....and now i dont know whats going on with that.

Ya Allah, liberate me from fear. Give me the wisdom to think positively; give me the courage to stand by the truth; give me the openness to connect to those who avoid me; give me a smile, a clean heart and a winning attitude which conquers others; give me more of the world so I can spend in Your Path; give me the perspective that I need to remain satisfied with what You bless me with.
Ya Allah, forgive my sins and shortcomings and allow me to enter Jannah. Keep me on the Straight Path once You have guided me to it.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

i used to be clever

i just got an email from a friend who read through my blog and had a comment here and there about the past posts. so i sat and read through the events of my life since i started writing here. i realized that i went from happy, go lucky hormonal female to bland, sad, depressed old biddy.

what on earth happened to me? i used to be clever. quick with a quip. i even amused myself at times.

can anyone help me find me?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

squirrels, wandering husbands and pakistan

i laughed at myself because of the range of topics that my little immature blog has been through over the past couple of years starting with simple innocent topics like feeding the squirrels and birds that visit my back yard. then of course the wonderful adventures of my dear ex husband.

and now pakistan. whoa. how does one get from squirrels to pakistan.

welcome to my life.

perhaps i sound amused, but to be honest im not at all. as you know, i was totally elated after my return from UK and im still happy with the trip itself. but life changes rapidly and drastically.

my stomach is twisting as i type.

want to know how things changed rapidly and drastically? as we speak he is boarding a plane for PAKISTAN of all places on earth. his mom is there and he is on the way to speak to her. to stop the arranged marriage and tell her about us. he will stay a week or two and then from there back to UK to tell his dad.

we dont really have anyone in our court except for Allah which is exactly who we need but it would help to have others supporting us a bit.

i dread the potential deadly fallout after the parents learn about me. i doubt it will be pretty. but i pray so hard to Allah to soften their hearts and open their minds a wee bit. to, at the very least, be open to an official meeting between all of us which would mean i would have to return to Uk and be under the microscope big time....i dont mind that part. it makes me a bit uneasy but thats about it.

what i do mind is pakistan. pakistan can be a frightening place and anything goes. anyone that knows anything about life there knows i have a right to be terrified out of my wits about what could take place there....not to mention its not a safe place at all.

elji has gained a tremendous amount of strength over the months and i have no doubt that he will stand his ground but im more afraid of the others standing their combined ground against him. i am really scared.

so in two weeks time...i arrived in UK on a friday, spent the most wonderful 5 days of my life with elji, met a couple of family members, left UK last wednesday, more of his family found out about me over the next couple of days, saturday he told me that he was going to PK with his brother to tell his mom about us, monday he went back to glasgow and today he is gone.

im so sad. so very sad. i feel like the best part of my life may be coming to a close. a dear friend (you, jane) said to remember that if it doesnt work out that i at least have met a rare and lovely soul. i would never forget him if we didnt make it and would forever long for him as he is my soulmate, of that im sure. never been so sure of anything in my life.

please im asking for prayers. i dont usually but we need all we can get. pray that i can be stronger and not afraid. that he will make it there and back safely. that he can stay strong and not cave under the pressure. and that Allah can soften the heart of his parents. and the fear im facing, well im facing alone. there is no one around me that would ever understand such a situation or even condone it. im not looking for sympathy at all but im shaking, afraid and alone. havent slept properly in more than a week and am exhausted.

i can only ask Allah for patience, perseverance, strength and that inshallah we can make it through this in one piece and together.

crysmissmichelle.........help me!!!

ya Allah.

"Allahumma rahmata arjoo fa la takilni ila nafsi tarfat ayn w’aslih li sha’ni kullahu la ilaha illa anta"(O Allah, for your mercy I hope, so do not leave in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye: rectify all my affairs. There is no God except You.)

Friday, April 17, 2009

how the heart can agonize.

well, i made my journey to the UK which was quite a journey in itself. my first flight from atlanta was delayed by more than an hour which in turn caused me to have 25 minutes to board my next flight in newark, nj for england. 25 minutes. ahhh i laugh now but that day, i didnt crack a smile. 25 minutes to find my gate, go through another security check and get to that gate only to find that airport personnel led me to the WRONG gate.
i missed my flight to england! and it was the last of the night.
but after negotiating with the airline and a few tears, they put me on the next flight to paris then to the UK. i got to england much later the next day but it beat sitting in that airport for 24 hours.
my trip was so absolutely wonderful. i cannot say enough about all of it. i dont have the words.
elji is something special on this earth. inshallah he will make it to heaven for all the good he has in him and for the way he cares for me. he is not a perfect man but he is like a missing piece of a puzzle for me. he is perfect for me. i watched the way he interacted with others around him. i dont think he realizes what a gentle nature he has as he fancies himself to be a wise cracking tough guy. yeah he is that too but at the end of the day..he is compassionate and humble. i saw a gracefulness in him when dealing with others that ive not seen before, even when he is dealing with strangers. his humanity is unmatched and im sure he learned this from his father.
as for me? i lost my worry lines in my face for a few days. i became alive again. more alive than ive been in years. i was happy but more important, i was content and peaceful...and i was safe and secure. he didnt go out of his way to make me feel this way. its just his nature- its so easy and natural being with him as if we've known each other for years.
but its not just him and me, ya know. there is family. the pakistani family with pakistani culture and expectations. those thick cultural walls are hard to penetrate.
i did meet a couple of family members and that went ok but still far from the finish line. but we have alot of obstacles in front of us. parents mainly.
we cant advance until we get past this obstacle and inshallah we can but it wont be easy at all and we have already had some tough times after the family started learning about me. on occasion, its been super hard but we're not giving up. i remember someone commenting here once that we should make it halal and get married and went on to remind us how to get married. lol, we are halal and want to make it even more halal but we have more people to think about than just us. ahh if only it were so easy.
i dont mind asking for prayers if any of you dont mind.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

ok, so im back.

had a nice vacation!! just wanted to make an appearance....just arrived tonight so im headed to bed!!

sweet dreams

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

see you guys later.

headed to england people.....wish me luck and keep me in your prayers. wont be around for a week or so.

take care!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

new lease on life....do i have to sign anything?

this week was hard yet good. without going into much detail, i went through more trying times that just seemed to get the best of me. im forever busy trying to sweep, dust and tidy my mind to rid myself of old problems but when something new plops down on top of the old....well, i just dont respond well. it seems that as soon as i think things are working out ok, something else occurs....ahhhh life, yeah?

but elji wont let those problems get the best of me. he seems to be my broom and dustpan these days and whereas in the past, i was miss independent and forever resisting any "help" from him, i just gave in this week and let it flow naturally. and flow naturally it did. im far from being the helpless, wilting southern belle but one can only take so much during such a really short period of time.

i realized that i was wound so tightly in my self protective cocoon that i could barely breathe. but instead of silk, my cocoon was made of chain maille. elji has tried to work around that armour for months now but i couldnt relax enough to...well relax !! no wonder my head was hurting all the time. the calmness that has surrounded me when i finally let elji tend to my needs is just the best feeling.

just that feeling of letting go, exhaling and the resulting peace has given me what feels like a new lease on life.

for the first time since my ex husband left, i went outside to my back porch to one of my favorite pasttimes that i used to write about here....leaving peanuts and sunflower seeds for the squirrels, birdseed for the birds and nectar for the hummingbirds. poor things...they probably felt like orphans. it took a day or so for them to realize there was food there but come they did! what a simple joy. simple yet wonderful and very fulfilling for me.

i thought i was doing ok but i realized that i was living like a hermit. isolated from real life. emotions and body so rigid i couldnt breathe. i was afraid to relax...afraid to let anyone too close.

im just happy for myself to be honest! just happy to know that im still inside somewhere!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

im going to step into the sunlight.

one year ago today. april 1st, 2008. the day that my ex husband decided to pack his bags and make his hasty exit. we all know that story. sick of hearing it myself. thats not what i want to talk about.

i will say that he still calls several times weekly and asks to return. refuses to talk about any annulment papers. says im still his wife in his mind...in his mind. well, not in mine and i possess the paperwork that severed our marriage, the paperwork that he refuses to see. wont even give me an address to mail the papers. ill let him live in a fantasy world.

ive moved on.

let me now talk about the person that kept me sane throughout my ordeal...elji. of course, elji is not his real name but thats ok. we'll keep him as elji.

how or where i met him is not of importance, but it was a casual and incidental meeting. not arranged. not a date. just two people who each thought the other was just totally funny, charming, captivating and entertaining. two smartasses to be honest. but we made each other laugh so much. when i met him i was not looking for anyone to have a relationship with. i was smarting over my husband's departure and still trying to work things out with him. after a couple of months i realized that my husband was a lost cause and decided to go on with life.

elji is so level headed and is really good at seeing problems and trying to provide the solutions in a very step by step manner. he looks to the future yet puts our small fires along the way. he is all of the cliches that you hand over to a "wonderful" man. he truly is wonderful though. he IS kind, he IS considerate, he IS thoughtful. he is always concerned about my well-being. he loves his family dearly especially his parents. i do believe that his dad is his hero and rightly so. ive learned alot about his dad and he is truly an honorable man....i can see where elji gets his ways.
.....and he loves me. he loves me enough that he chose to be with me against his family's wishes. his pakistani family. that should explain what i mean if you understand pakistani culture. he chose to have a future with me even though the odds were against us and ill never forget that. the sacrifices that he is making...............

for the past year, ive lived in darkness even when i didnt realize just how dark it was until recently. elji has been the one consistent bright spot in my life.

next week, im opening a new door. the beginning of life with elji. inshallah i can leave the darkness behind...inshallah.

i AM going to step into the sunlight.