Sunday, November 23, 2008
i'm not always miserable and whining. as ive said previously, i live a productive life and function well in society. at least i hope thats true. the things i say in here are things that i cant verbalize to anyone. i stopped talking a long time ago because much of what i confided eventually was used against me at some point and time to try and make me appear weak and usually by someone that i cared about.
boy i used to talk. ask me something or dont ask me something, i talked til the other person was probably crying inside loool. ive literally gone a few years and only talked about superficial things or non personal things with my friends and acquaintances.
so..i talk here. i say things here that i dont dare utter to anyone. i hope none of you mind.
i am one of those people who always needs someone around them. as many of you know, i grew up in a large family. i was the youngest with some of the older ones being 10 to 15 years older than me. so even when i was still a small child, many of them had already gotten married and moved away. i was so used to noise in the house. we had a huge home. absolutely huge. we had 8 bedrooms and there was someone in each of them. but as they emptied the silence in that huge home became deafening. my father died when i was 10 and the house grew even more silent.
after my fathers death, my mother spent a great deal of time away from the home working. she had never even worked a day since i had been alive. i spent a good deal of time in that huge house alone finding solace in music. singing and playing the piano were the only things that kept me alive. music was the only thing that filled the house with any type of noise. i always had alot of friends and laughed alot but i still always felt enshrined in silence.
i became afraid to be alone. not a pathological fear, but a real fear anyway. once in a while i like to be alone but that feeling doesnt roll around often.
my own family is now spread from state to state and its difficult to see them. we're just not close anymore anyway.
i find myself longing to belong to a huge family. more specific...a huge muslim family. one of those lovely families that have the parents, the children, their spouses and children, the grandparents, aunts, uncles all living around nearby...you know, that fantastic family infrastructure where they have beautiful holidays together and great bustling meals filled with love and laughter.
oh i know those families have problems too but oh how i would love to be in the middle of it all. i cant tell you how i feel so much the insider looking in....lol sometimes i remind myself of the girl in hans christian andersen's the little match girl. i watch families having a wonderful time and wish i were with them. im living vicariously through them i guess. i feel a certain joy watching them laughing and smiling....but that joy is always brief as i come back to reality. that feeling of longing and being the "outsider" makes me feel even worse. i hate that feeling.
sometimes i think to go back to egypt and live in the middle of my husbands vast and ancient family.....its not the same since his mom passed though.
it never hurts to wish. never hurts to wish.
Friday, November 21, 2008
but me? oh nooo. i havent had a day of total calmess since the day that my husband left. there's been a constant up and day that will just stew the brain. the ups and downs come from him sometimes..no no most of the time and the other ups and downs come from my own emotions.
tell me, has a year actually increased? arent there still just 365 days in a year? god, this one seems to be eternal.
a brief synopsis of my own events of 2008.
life was decent jan, feb and march. status quo.
march. my mom came to live with us . that was good though stressful.
april 1. my husband packs his ENTIRE belongings and leaves while i am at work an
hour away leaving me spiraling wildly.
i spend the entire month trying to keep my mother happy and healthy and to
keep my sister from putting her into a nursing home.
may. im still in a fog trying to figure out whats happening with my husband and
me. he buys a ticket to come home. he really does because i actually take
care of the procurement. he's to be home for my daughters big days...she's
having a father/daughter luncheon at school and her graduation from pre-k.
i spend the day of his arrival getting prepared. i pay for a beautiful
room at a nice hotel in atlanta and wont be home for 2 days. i bought new
clothing and really prepped myself for his return. i was two minutes from
walking out of the house to go to atlanta (the airport is there) i gave
him one last ring on his cell....he said "ive missed my flight". if there
was ever a moment in my life where all action stopped, including my own
vital signs, that was it. i suddenly was outside of life looking in.
i think that day was worse than the day he actually left. he missed my
daughters father/daughter luncheon and graduation.
i sent my mother to her hometown for a visit...the crap started all over
again from my sister about sending her to the nursing home. i went to
get my mom and brought her home.
now mind you, my brothers and sisters are calling me freaking daily to make sure she's ok. YES YES YES she is fine. but in reality she wasnt happy. she wanted to go to her home and plotted daily trying to get back to her home. i wish that i could have taken her home but it was impossible. sigh.
june my mother starts growing irrational. she strikes out at my 5 year old and
threatens to throw coffee on me. i sent her to my brother for two weeks
in tennessee. while there, she learns that her "fellow" back home has
broken his foot and needs help. there was no stopping her after that. my
brother took her to her hometown because she was determined to be there.
while there, my sister takes the opportunity to put her in the nursing
home. i cant fight it anymore. i decide also to start putting an end to
my marriage...its not good for me and i aske for talaq (islamic divorce). i
start talking to the imam who instructs me to "work it out with my husband"
oh whatever..what the hell.
july im losing hours at work because its summer, theyre building new surgical
towers and have hired more nurses to cover those towers when they open so
theyre really overstaffed and everyone is scrambling to get hours. im be-
coming financially unstable.
my husband and i had some ermm explicit photos that he stored in his email.
the woman that i suspected was or is his s.o. and possibly his wife also,
hacked into his email and took those photos. i discovered it because she
actually sent them to her own email but neglected to delete that from the
sent files. i nearly lose my mind.
i actually went to seattle to see my husband. i had a thought in my mind to
do bodily harm to him. but i dont. i just let him know that i want a di-
vorce and intend to get one. he says he is coming home and i am his wife.
i meet someone wonderful by the name of Elji. i had forgotten there was
actually light in the world but he provided it.
aug my 18 year old moves out. that made me sad really. i wasnt expecting it. he
gets an apartment with friends but he has two jobs so he can handle it. my
husband is still insisting to come home. tells our daughter that he will be
there before she starts school so that he can take her. at the time i was
thinking that he could come home for her. i would do it for her. but au-
gust comes and goes. she starts school. no husband. he calls and says he
will be here definately before ramadan. who cares anymore please? who
sept ramadan starts...no husband. im totally not surprised. he told my daughter
not to put up the ramadan lanterns til he gets there..he would do it. we
waited a couple of days, she and i did it ourselves. i spent nearly every
single day of ramadan (not physically) with elji. we would meet online
or by phone for sehri and iftaar (morning and evening meal). he is such a
giving person. truly giving.
my husbands still calling and saying he will be here before Eid..and im
totally ignoring this bit by now. W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R!! heard that song and
but elji also left for home before eid and then for pakistan after eid. the
silence was overwhelming.
oct month of horrors for me. i dont even remember what came first for me. so
many things happened that i was much like the swirling waters when the toi-
let is flushed.
my oldest daughter turned 17..a few days later she skipped her first class
in school so i called her cell phone to ask her about it. she got irritated
of course. hours passed and she wasnt home. i called her cell and said its
getting late and dark, dinners ready. come home. i soon got a txt msg say-
that she wasnt returning. she would not be back. wth? seems she had found
out that, at the age of 17, she could legally leave home without my per-
mission. and she did. and quit school. and has not returned. it was com-
pletely sad for me. my home grew so quiet. i had to scuffle to figure out
how to get my 5 year old to and from school since she would go with my old-
est daughter when i was working. it was now just pj, kylee and me.
then someone that played a huge part of my life contacted me and really sent
me into a tailspin. i was already in a weakend state from elji being gone,
my daughter leaving and my husband driving me insane daily.
then elji returned and informed me that we should separate a bit. just not
be so close. i didnt understand at the time why he did that. i do now
though. i understand why.
you ever heard a glass crack? and you look at it to see if its just cracked
but then a huge chunk falls off?? lool that was me. the cracked glass with
chunk falling off.
my husband would call me daily. if i didnt answer one phone, he would call
EVERY phone til i answered something. GOD! go on with your effing life
please!!!!!!!!!!! now im begging you to leave me alone. i didnt mince words
with him. i told him i was definately going to divorce him. to go on and do
whatever it is he wanted...i guess what he wanted now was me. how lucky am
financial situation worsened. not only are there lack of hours for us, the
economy is horrible and people are just not coming to the hospital the way
they ALWAYS have. im struggling and telling my NON WORKING husband i need
help. its not coming. he cant event take care of himself he says.
at some point, elji finds out that his dad wants him to choose a wife soon.
can it get worse? he has to go home to his parents and make a decision. ya
i hated october.
nov. my husband is falling apart. he wants to come home. he's sad because he re-
alizes that i dont love him anymore. i held on for him for so long but i
gave up. elji and i are losing our minds. he finally goes home for the week-
end to talk to his parents, but instead of coming back with the news of who
he has decided upon, he actually put his foot down and said that he needed
time out. that he wasnt ready to select anyone and to please give him a
break for a year or so. he wanted more time with me. this was the only sun-
shine that i had seen since september. i will say again, please do not say
anything about my situation with elji. im not looking for advice regarding
this. he is the only thing that kept me afloat most of the time.
my financial situation has worsened to the point i will have to take a new
job or find a second job.
my husband is more determined than ever to come back here though i tell him
repeatedly that its over.
i dont sleep well. i always feel like the front door will swing open and he
will be standing there. he is NOT a monster at all. i just dont want him
back in my life. and i have a feeling that his old school egyptian ways
will be evident. he will think i HAVE to give him his "rights" in the bed-
room.....god. the thought of him returning makes me want to jump from the
balcony. drama drama drama.
hey thats 2008!!! i guess the years prior to that were just too easy for me, it was time for some trials and tribulation!!!!
im not crying..not complaining. i just want 2009 to be a bit better....anyone got any prayers for me?
elji...when you read this, thank you for all you do. thank you.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
my four oldest children are not muslim. neither my siblings nor my only remaining parent, my mother, are muslims. they all attend church. theyve never stepped foot in a masjid and i would faint from shock if one ever did. my children have but not the rest of the christian crew.
now....lets say this first and get it out of the way. thanksgiving is not a religious holiday. if you think cause youre a muslim you cant sit with your family and say thank you God for allowing us to be healthy enough to be able to enjoy each others company, well thats your own issue. just make sure you dont go and watch any fireworks either on the fourth of july cause that AINT NO MUSLIM HOLIDAY EITHER.
christmas? when did christmas REALLY hold much religiosity for americans anymore anyway. do you think that because im a muslim that im going to steal a holiday from my children and family that we've celebrated forever? Because i put up lights and a tree for the kids does not mean that im sitting at the foot of it daily pondering the probability of the trinity? im a muslim. i dont believe in the trinity. i believe that God is God and Mohamed was his last prophet.
but what pisses me off is the fact that ppl worry themselves silly over this. do NOT stress other muslims about holidays because you dont know what is going on in their heads...you dont know their intentions and you dont have to. its none of your business.
i just saw a commercial..a thanksgiving commercial. they were singing "over the river and through the woods, to grandmothers house we go....." most of you know it.
for me? there is no grandmothers house anymore. this year marks the first year that there is no home belonging to my mother anymore. there is no home to go over the river and through the woods to for thanksgiving or anything else. i can see her at the nursing home, sure, and im grateful for that, but.....
you see, holidays in general dont have any religious sentiment for me. they havent for a long long time. but they do remind me of my family. they make me remember a time when we were all together. when we lived close to each other. when my parents were alive and well...both of them. my grandparents. going to their homes. and my beautiful irish grandmother (miss emma marion) whom i loved so very much. we had a huge family. huge gatherings. we lived in a southern antebellum (pre civil war) home and had the most BEAUTIFUL decorations that my mother made herself. and huge christmas trees that my brothers went out and cut down to fit under our 15 ft ceiling. if i close my eyes, i can still see those trees shimmering now. i played the piano and i would play for everyone while they sang. we had fireplaces in each room but used only the one in the dining room where we had a sparking chandelier that sparkled even more when the fireplace was blazing. we had maids as i was growing up and they were always part of the family. my mother and the maids would cook all day and we would have the most fantastic spread of food you could ever imagine. next day, to each of my grandmothers homes for the same. it was pretty much the same for thanksgiving. true joy and beautiful memories.
my father owned a small grocery store. the people who shopped there were so familiar that they too became like family members. our little store was also festive during the holidays. everyone in good spirits.
my mother owned a flower shop, so holiday times were busy at her shop. starting with halloween until christmas was over. there is nothing like the smell of fresh flowers coming from the cooler, clipping the ends and making a beautiful holiday arrangement for someone. our fingers would be stained with chlorophyll for weeks until the holidays were over!! and it was all family working there!! my aunts, me, my mother,another sister plus my uncle had a frame shop in the other half of the store. being there gave me such a sense of satisfaction and i still receive satisfaction today by making arrangements for myself and my friends.
i was the youngest of 7 and i was much younger than most of them. much like my youngest daughter is now. i was spoiled beyond belief, which is not always a good thing lol. but i enjoyed all of those years and swore i would do all i could to make sure that my own children had beautiful holiday memories too. its not been as grand for my children because the family spread out all over the country, i was a single mother for a few years, and we live in a city where we have not one family member, but we try.
so holidays for me brings back ALL of this. all of these beautiful memories. i do many of the things that my mother used to do and it makes me feel warm and full of love. makes me feel like my grandmother and my dad are watching over me...and that my mother is still healthy and the same.
sometimes, during holidays, i find myself feeling very alone. i see the shoppers, i hear the music and laughter, i sense the love and excitement and i realize that i dont have anyone else around me anymore. no parents, no siblings, no husband. i suddenly feel very tiny, lost and sad.
so please..do not push your views on me about holidays. just please let me have my time for my family and let me answer to Allah...not you.
Monday, November 10, 2008
oh god, i was already in a depressed state (as you all well know lol) and tried to think of anyone else in the world that could take her to see that movie.
well i was it. the chosen one to have to sit through such such frivolity.
originally it was to see madagascar2, but she said "wait , i want to see HSM3". omg, what??!! did i hear her right?? i tried to convince her that madagascar would be so much better but she just said, "next time, ok mommy?"
so off we went. i didnt let her know that i didnt want to go so i was happy and excited too. we settled into our top row seats. it was a early afternoon matinee so there werent many people there. we had the entire row to ourselves. i watched the previews then when the movie started i put my head in her lap and promptly fell asleep. i swear!!
but then? a song woke me up!! i sat up and started watching...and watching....and tapping my feet.....and laughing.....and smiling and by the end of the movie i was all INTO IT!!!!
i found myself sad cause it was their senior year and they were all going to different places for university.
now mind you, i never watched the other two, but they were always on t.v. so i heard the songs constantly.
but here i was enjoying the movie more than my daughter and dancing in my seat to the likes of this.....
Friday, November 7, 2008
has something in your life ever created such a high level of pain and havoc that it closes your entire emotional system down?
im there now. im functional. but as far as feeling anything i dont. and i cant right now. numbness is welcome right about now.
oh its nothing new....its something thats been coming for a couple of months so i was semi prepared for it. but there are some things that no matter how brave you think you are? you just find out youre one big pile of weak old shyte.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
obama won the presidency while i was sleeping. i have had the same routine for 3 years. my alarm clock rings, i blindly hit snooze a time or two then i pick up my cell phone to see if the hospital has called regarding my shift for the day. i get up, make my coffee and kiss my sweet black kitty.
this morning, the routine was altered. yes the clock was ringing, yes i checked my phone but somehow, in the dark and through blurry eyes, i noted that i had several text messages.
what? who was texting me in the middle of the night?
i opened them one by one....OBAMA WON JANA!! HE WON!! OBAMA IS OUR PRESIDENT!! HE DID IT!!
i didnt get up, i jumped up and ran to the tv to make sure it was certain.
ahhh yes it is!! he did it....i had a feeling he would but you can never be too certain of anything too quickly.
i had a huge rush of emotion. finally a democrat back in the office and what a huge step for decent human beings.
you see, president elect obama is multi racial. but anyone that has a drop of black in them is just considered black in the eyes of most.
me? im white yes. but i had the honor of growing up in the southern united states. as a youngster i wasnt always so proud of that. southerners were often considered ignorant, backwards, rednecks but as i grew older i realized that it was other people's ignorance that brought this prejudice about- as it is with any prejudice.
one of the pleasures of living in the south is living amongst legends. of being surrounded and reminded of the struggles that some of our people faced in this country.
i live within an hour of atlanta. home of the martin luther king family.
martin luther king has always been someone that i admired for his courage and his beautiful words. he walked many steps and fought against prejudice and hatred with his gentle words and speeches to ensure that his people could have a better life. he believed that one day, he HOPED that one day we could all stand side by side in this country.
for the first time in american history, blacks in this country could vote, they didnt have to eat out back or use a ramshackle building for a public bathroom or not be able to drink out of a "whites only" water fountain or enter through the back door anymore. or more notably...sit at the back of the bus.
dr king didnt live to see most of this take place. he was killed trying to obtain the rights of his people. what a total loss of life and humanity.
but his legend continues. his flame burns bright at the king center in atlanta ga. and no one ever forgets this man or what he stood for.
what pride he would have today to see senator barack obama....president elect barack obama...elected as the first african american president of the united states of america.
his work and the life that he gave were not in vain.
this morning. i am so happy and in such awe of my fellow americans. ive sat in the quietness of my home with tears of pride for the citizens that see past color and made dr king's "dream" come to its fruition.