Monday, June 30, 2008

good morning and im back

thought of the day.....freedom.

though i didnt leave the internet entirely, i didnt do anything online that took much thought! piddled here and there.

so after a week of vegging and thinking, i feel a bit free really.

on my days away from work, we got into the car and went wherever we wanted. mini vacations. one day we got in the car and simply went out of town to a hotel with a pool and swam and relaxed. a major park one day. and believe me thats NOT relaxing at all.

my mother. she is still in her hometown. still with her friend. but who is in charge of her care now? the same sister that was fighting against me the whole way. since my mother went back, she has developed a UTI (bladder infection) and now the shingles, which is the adult version of chicken pox and a much worse thing. it can cause nerve damage and leave the person with years of agonizing pain. my mother had a hip replacement some years ago and the shingles has settled in along the nerve route beside that hip causing her grief already. i can barely stand to think of it now.

my mother said she wants to return to the nursing home since this is the only way that she can actually live in her hometown. and ive relented. thats where she will go. i tried. but she was NOT happy here with me as her captor. and i dont want her to be so unhappy. it was changing her. and it was changing me.

you see, my mother and i havent had any cruel exchange of words in years. since i was a know it all in college. so to reach the end of her road this way was not good for either of us. i dont want her to live the rest of her life unhappy and i dont want to be filled with resentment toward her either.

anyway, im here.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

leave of absence

to the readers

ill be away from the net for a while. no no, i did pay the internet bill lol. i just need a break and need to focus on more important things.

so see ya later alligator.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

i give up

i guess i said that my mother had gone to my brothers home in tennessee. but my brother left a voice mail for me yesterday telling me that my mother went home to her hometown because her sweetheart had broken his toe and needed her help. she went of course and that was all fine and good. thats where she is the happiest. i wish they would get married (she's 84 and he's 86) but i think they are afraid they will lose some of their pensions.

but that means, also, that she will be back where my sister is....yes the one that wanted to put her in the nursing home.

well i got an email early this morning from my bro in tennessee. it was actually a letter to all 7 of us siblings explaining that our mother was in her hometown and why. well out of my other 6 siblings only 2 of them actually called her after she came to my home.

then other emails started coming. a letter here and there from brothers with a general pointed statement like "oh good, cant tell you how happy i am that she is back where she belongs". it was sent to everyone but i understood well what it meant. they dont want her here with me.

and thats ok. she will never be happy here with me. she wont be happy with anyone. she wants to be in her hometown.

i talked to her today and she was happy. she wants to go to the nursing home she said again. and i said ok. that was fine. she said she can see her fellow plus her brother is in that nursing home and she has friends that are there.

so perhaps i had to take this journey. i had to see and do it all. but she doesnt want to be here and knowing that my siblings are happy that my mother wont be living with me just makes me throw my hands up and say ok. ok. ok.

but at least i tried.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

no reservations

theres not much that i like on t.v. but i love anthony bourdains no reservations. i like travel shows anyway but he is so enjoyable. he's a little crass but i can deal with crass. his shows are just plain entertaining and he gets himself into some real predicaments in some of the countries that he visits.

this is anthony, a chef from n.y.c plus an author.

he has the driest sense of humour and is so matter of fact. he could care less that the camera is on him. you get what you see.

one of my faves.....

Sunday, June 15, 2008

taking aim

i walked out onto my back porch this morning and was beside myself. i usually sweep off the old shells where my little squirrels eat their daily regimen of sunflower seeds and peanuts and then pour out new fresh nuts for the little cuties.

but my eyes nearly popped out of my head this morning.

my neighbor was crouched behind his patio wall taking aim at the squirrels who gather in the grass beneath my porch before they jump up onto it to eat. all i saw was a shotgun. aimed toward my house. i was stunned and reacted quickly. i yelled out to him "are you trying to shoot the squirrels in my yard?" he stood up. he looked surprised. i yelled louder." i said are you shooting at the squirrels that are in my yard that i feed? am i setting up squirrels with bait for your target practice?" my heart was beating a mile a minute. he said he didnt know i was feeding them.

i continued to yell, through tears (and i got tearful because i was already upset by something else that had just happened prior to my stepping outside), "dont you know i have a small daughter that comes down these stairs? dont you know that there are several young neighborhoos children who play in the trees where you are aiming?"

he said "im sorry im sorry i didnt know you were feeding the squirrels"

he went inside his house. but after about 5 minutes the owner of the home came to my porch and said "i am so sorry. he didnt know you fed the squirrels. it wont happen again"

i was so angry really. i told him that i DO feed the squirrels and they were all sitting ducks in my yard for this man. i asked him if it was a shotgun or a bb gun and he said a pellet gun. i reminded him again that my young daughter is here and there are children who play in the woods behind us where he was aiming. and he said thats why the man came out early for target practice so that there wouldnt be anyone outside.

early? it was 11 a.m. since when was that early. it was nearly noon.

the man said it would never happen again.

for ppl who dont care anything about feeding squirrels or birds, im sure they could care less about my story. but it really shocked me. i felt like i was setting them up to be killed by an idiot wanting to improve his aim. i hate for ppl to shoot small animals and birds like this just so they can shoot something.

what happened to shooting coke cans?

loss of hope

i havent written about my mother for a while because i was really too irritated to write about her. she was completely unhappy here. her only thought throughout the day was "escape". i have to escape. how can i escape. who can i call to help me escape. she was worse on the days that i had to work...she would call eveyone she ever knew in her life plus my siblings telling them that she was a prisoner here. she had nothing to do, i wouldnt allow her to go outside alone (we have a flight of stairs that she would have to take alone).

i did everything i could to keep her safe here. her legs are unsteady so i always made sure someone was with her on the stairs. the very first week that she was here she fell on the FIRST step and hit her head. i was also afraid that if she went outside alone that she wouldnt remember which home was ours since the homes are all very similar and the address is not something that stays in her memory for very long.

i offered activities for her. seniors center. church. she didnt want to go to any of these places. she did want to go shopping usually. "to town". so i took her when she wanted to go. but i couldnt take her out in public places too often because she would wander around telling jokes to strangers and some of the ppl would laugh and some ppl would look at her like they were going to slug her.

but in the end, she wanted to go home. her home. not my home. and i understood this and was sorry for her for this.

but then she became mean. she began gossping about my family to others on the phone (i am an unbelievably private person-probably extremely so), she started speaking badly about my children to my oldest daughter (who is 16). the 16 year old would lament to me that she didnt like what her grandmother was saying about me and the other kids. i just got a kitty for my 5 year old and my mother fussed at her constantly about holding the cat. "leave the cat alone, leave the cat alone, leave the cat alone". that was a song i heard about 50 times a day. then one day my youngest daughter picked up her cat, which was sleeping. she wanted to let the kitty sleep beside her on the couch. but my mother slapped her arm and told her to leave the cat alone. well that was a bit much for me. i had begun to wish i hadnt gotten the cat. and i asked her to not hit my daughter especially over the cat.

then the toys, kylee would try to take her toys out to play and my mother would pick them up and tell her they were going in the trash while my daughter was playing with them. poor kylee, she had never known anything but a loving grandmother and was now completely puzzled and wanted her to leave.

she became angry with me constantly. very sarcastic, told me i was threatening her but when i asked what i had threatened, my mom couldnt think of anything. one day, she was really being hateful and i was at my limit and i asked her what i had done to her and she confessed that i had done nothing. she said she would go home to live but i told her she couldnt. she became increasingly angry towards me. and when i raised my voice she picked up a cup of hot coffee and aimed it toward my face. the very thought of her doing this was sobering enough.....she didnt actually have to splash it on me.

this week, my oldest brother called for her and i sent her willingly and happily.

im not sure what i will do now. she is not happy here, i am not happy with her being so mean, the kids find her new anger frightening.

i tried really hard to take care of her and keep her happy but she wont be happy anywhere except her home which is not happening.

so im at a loss. i feel sad and guilty that i dont want her to come back here. i talked this over with my sister who agreed that my children shouldnt have to suffer through this.

dont know..just dont know.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

this can speak for itself.

this was taken from Mens Health Magazine

The 20 worst foods in America
The U.S. food industry has declared war on your waistline. Here's how to disarm its weapons of mass inflation

20: Worst fast-food chicken mealChicken Selects Premium Breast Strips from McDonald's (5 pieces) with creamy ranch sauce
830 calories
55 grams (g) fat (4.5 g trans fat)
48 g carbohydrates
The only thing "premium" about these strips is the caloric price you pay. Add a large fries and regular soda and this seemingly innocuous chicken meal tops out at 1,710 calories.
Change Your Chicken: 20 McNuggets have the same impact. Instead, choose Mickey D's six-piece offering with BBQ sauce and save yourself 530 calories.

19: Worst drink Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie (30 fl oz)
900 calories 10 g fat
183 g carbs (166 g sugar)
Jamba Juice calls it a smoothie; we call it a milk shake. In fact, this beverage contains as much sugar as 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's butter pecan ice cream.
Turn Down the Power: Seventy-five percent of this chain's "power smoothies" contain in excess of 100 grams of sugar. Stick to Jamba's lower-calorie All Fruit Smoothies, which are the only menu items that contain no added sugar. And always opt for the 16-ounce "small."

18: Worst supermarket mealPepperidge Farm Roasted Chicken Pot Pie (whole pie)
1,020 calories 64 g fat
86 g carbs
The label may say this pie serves two, but who ever divided a small pot pie in half? The sad truth is, once you crack the crust, there will be no stopping -- which makes this 300 calories worse than anything else you'll find in the freezer case.
Pick a Better Pie: Swanson's chicken pot pie has just 400 calories.

17: Worst 'healthy' burgerRuby Tuesday Bella Turkey Burger
1,145 calories 71 g fat
56 g carbs
We chose this burger for more than its calorie payload: Its name implies that it's healthy.
The Truly Healthy Choice: Skip burgers entirely (few at Ruby Tuesday come in under 1,000 calories). Instead, order a 9-ounce sirloin with a side of steamed vegetables, and keep things under 1,000 calories.

16: Worst Mexican entreeChipotle Mexican Grill Chicken Burrito
1,179 calories 47 g fat
125 g carbs
2,656 milligrams (mg) sodium
Despite a reputation for using healthy, fresh ingredients, Chipotle's menu is limited to king-size burritos, overstuffed tacos, and gigantic salads -- all of which lead to a humongous waistline.
Make Over the Menu: There are two ways to Men's Healthify a burrito at Chipotle: (1) 86 the rice and tortilla and request your meat, vegetables, and beans served in a bowl or (2) bring a friend and saw the burrito in half.

15: Worst kids' mealMacaroni Grill Double Macaroni 'n' Cheese
1,210 calories 62 g fat
3,450 mg sodium
It's like feeding your kid 1 1/2 boxes of Kraft mac 'n' cheese.
Your Best Option: The 390-calorie Grilled Chicken and Broccoli.

14: Worst sandwichQuiznos Classic Italian (large)
1,490 calories 85 g fat
4,510 mg sodium 96 g carbs
A large homemade sandwich would more likely provide about 500 calories.
Cut the Calories: Isn't it obvious? Order a small -- or save half for later.

13: Worst saladOn the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef
1,450 calories 102 g fat
78 g carbs 2,410 mg sodium
This isn't an anomaly: Five different On the Border salads on the menu contain more than 1,100 calories each.
The Salad for You: The Sizzling Chicken Fajita Salad supplies an acceptable 760 calories. But remember to choose a noncaloric beverage, such as water or unsweetened iced tea

12: Worst burger Carl's Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger
1,520 calories
111 g fat
Carl's Jr. brags that it's home to this enormous sandwich, but the restaurant chain also provides convenient nutrition info on its Web site -- so ignorance is no excuse for eating it.
A Simple Solution: The Low Carb Six Dollar Burger has just 490 calories.

11: Worst steak Lonestar 20 oz T-bone
1,540 calories
124 g fat
Add a baked potato and Lonestar's Signature Lettuce Wedge, and this is a 2,700-calorie blowout.
Choose with Your Head: The golden rule of steak restaurants is this: Limit yourself to a 9-ouncer or smaller. After all, that's more than half a pound of meat. You won't walk away hungry.

10: Worst breakfastBob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes
1,540 calories
77 g fat (9 g trans fat)
198 g carbs (109 g sugar)
Five Egg McMuffins yield the same caloric cost as this stack of sugar-stuffed flapjacks, which is truly a heavy breakfast, weighing in at a hefty pound and a half.
Order This Instead: A Bob Evans Western Omelet starts your day with a reasonable 654 calories and 44 grams of muscle-building protein.

9: Worst dessertChili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream
1,600 calories
78 g fat
215 g carbs
Would you eat a Big Mac for dessert? How about three? That's the calorie equivalent of this decadent dish. Clearly, Chili's customers get their money's worth.
Don't Overdo It: If you want dessert at Chili's, order one single-serving Sweet Shot; you'll cap your after-dinner intake at 310 calories.

8: Worst Chinese entreeP.F. Chang's Pork Lo Mein
1,820 calories
127 g fat
95 g carbs
The fat content in this dish alone provides more than 1,100 calories. And you'd have to eat almost five servings of pasta to match the number of carbohydrates it contains. Now, do you really need five servings of pasta?
Pick Another Noodle: P.F. Chang's Singapore Street Noodles will satisfy your craving with only 570 calories. Or try the Moo Goo Gai Pan or the Ginger Chicken & Broccoli, which have 660 calories

7: Worst chicken entreeChili's Honey Chipotle Crispers with Chipotle Sauce
2,040 calories
99 g fat
240 g carbs
"Crispers" refers to an extra-thick layer of bread crumbs that soaks up oil and adds unnecessary calories and carbs to these glorified chicken strips.
Switch Your Selection: Order the Chicken Fajita Pita: At 450 calories and 43 grams of protein, it's one of the healthiest entrées you'll find in a chain restaurant.

6: Worst fish entreeOn the Border Dos XX Fish Tacos with Rice and Beans
2,100 calories
130 g fat
169 g carbs 4,750 mg sodium
Perhaps the most misleadingly named dish in America: A dozen crunchy tacos from Taco Bell will saddle you with fewer calories.
Lighten the Load: Ask for grilled fish, choose the corn tortillas instead of flour (they're lower in calories and higher in fiber), and swap out the carbohydrate-loaded rice for grilled vegetables.

5: Worst pizzaUno Chicago Grill Chicago Classic Deep Dish Pizza
2,310 calories
162 g fat
123 g carbs
4,470 mg sodium
Downing this "personal" pizza is equivalent to eating 18 slices of Domino's Crunchy Thin Crust cheese pizza.
Swap Your Slices: Switch to the Sausage Flatbread Pie and avert deep-dish disaster by nearly 1,500 calories.

4: Worst pastaMacaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce
2,430 calories
128 g fat
207 g carbs
5,290 mg sodium
This meal satisfies your calorie requirements for an entire day.
Downsize the Devastation: Ask for a lunch portion of this dinner dish (or any pasta on the menu, for that matter), and request regular tomato sauce instead of meat sauce. You'll cut the calories in half.

3: Worst nachosOn the Border Stacked Border Nachos
2,740 calories
166 g fat
191 g carbs
5,280 mg sodium

2: Worst starterChili's Awesome Blossom
2,710 calories
203 g fat
194 g carbs
6,360 mg sodium

1: The worst food in AmericaOutback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing
2,900 calories
182 g fat
240 g carbs
Even if you split these "starters" with three friends, you'll have downed a dinner's worth of calories before your entrée arrives.
Super Substitutions Front-load your meal with a protein-based dish that's not deep-fried. A high-protein starter helps diminish hunger without putting you into calorie overload. And remember: Appetizers are meant to be shared.
At On the Border: Chicken Soft Tacos (250 calories each). This entrée is as close as you'll come to a healthy starter.
At Chili's: Garlic & Lime Grilled Shrimp. Look for this item in the "sides."
At Outback: Seared Ahi or Shrimp on the Barbie.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

my hope

obama is our democratic candidate and that instills hope in me. i feel elated actually. we need someone that FEELS......that doesnt just talk and talk and talk. politicians remind me of statues...statues that talk. pull their string and the rehearsed speech pours out.

but not obama. no. he speaks freely and naturally and he feels what he is saying. he looks at people, he sees them, he hears them.

God knows that our country is in horrible shape right now and it will take change to pull us up to a point where we can even see the sky again.

oh yes, people put obama down for constantly saying we need change. but what else do we need? mccain? mccain is bush part 2. bush, but with a bigger mouth. bush, but with more war guns.

so obama lacks experience. all politicians lacked experience at one time or another. and what did bush do for us, even with experience? obama will grow and one day no one will be able to say that he has no experience.

given the chance, i think obama can help this country recoup some of its integrity, regain its reputation inshallah!


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

can you say hormones?

OK! who sneaked into my blog and posted that "tired" thingy? because im NOT tired, im vibrant and energetic. i have vitality and refreshed WHO WAS IT?

oh, perhaps that was me when i was feeling like this

but that was then, this is now! it was about to be the time of the month and i forgot. forgot what you say? that IT was coming, that IT would start any day and that the swirl of weird, terrific, morbid, frightening, depressing was because of IT.
PMS is a time of irritability and quick flashes of anger (ive already written about that...wont go there now) but the high levels of hormones a couple of days before IT shows up causes feelings in me that are soooooo very real. i am positive that i am at the end of my rope and standing on the edge of a perilously high cliff overlooking jagged rocks below with lifes problems readying themselves to give me the final shove to send me over.
sound dramatic?
it is! im older now and having entered the perimenopausal stage the worse the hormones get. when i was a young jitterbug i dont even remember having all of the problems that go hand in hand with the menstrual cycle.....but now. whew.
oh yeah, still have problems in life but im back to dealing with them as i usually would.
but what worries me is , even though i can recognize my drama for what it is after it passes, that with each passing cycle my symptoms will worsen. and at that time the drama is very real and i cant even recognize it as temporary lasting maybe a day or 2 til the period actually starts. things seem so bad at that time that i feel i cant go on. i cant help but wonder what will happen if the symptoms worsen.
anyway i left that "tired" post...even though it was written by my alter ego as a reminder to myself of what happens to me before my period starts.
so maybe next time i wont be tempted to throw myself over the balcony.