Thursday, January 22, 2009

i cant help it...i love her!!

nahh, there is no juicy gossip here lol!!! the her in the title is this young thing...

my daughter named her midnight. she's a bit standoffish but i love her dearly. she tears my house up something awful. im never surprised to wake up and find a tube of toothpaste in the bed with me or to find her inside my bathroom cabinet tearing up all of the Qtips. but thats ok, she is endearing. you can throw something for her and she will chase it, find it and return it. during the day, she plays constantly. she hides around corners or in the laundry and waits for me. her eyes get huge in anticipation and my daughter calls them her "goggle" eyes ". but she doesnt just wait and run, no she waits, jumps up and actually hits you HARD with her paws then runs away. i feel certain she's laughing inside as she runs. when im praying, she attacks me constantly. she has pulled my hijab over my eyes more than once. ive decided she is a muslim cat too. she can be asleep in another part of the house but somehow senses im in the bedroom praying and inevitably shows up. when she wakes up in the morning, she comes to me sleepily and stands up with her paws against my legs, stretching. she wants me to pick her up and hug her. she stays there for a bit til she decides she's bored with me and then goes her own way. i keep a small stool by the kitchen counter. she likes to stand up on it with her paws on the counter to see what im doing. she's positive she is human.

but the best..i remember one day i was crying and i heard her making a small mewing noise. she was standing up on my leg and she crawled up to my lap. she smelled my lips, my eyes and my tears. she then put her head on my shoulder like she was comforting me.

if i had lost my home, i had nowhere for her to go and i was going to have to give her away. i was stressed out about it. i didnt even want to think about it because it made me so sad. when i discovered that i wouldnt have to leave, i grabbed her first and kissed her so hard. i was crying into her fur and she let me do it without biting me lol.

she's sitting in my lap now sleeping while i type. i cant help it...i love her.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

...then came the ease.

thats a really nice picture dont you think? subhanallah!

i feel a bit peaceful today after what seemed like months of torrential disasters. i feel very much like i belong in that picture at this moment!

amazingly enough, the miracle of all miracles happened after some weeks of praying to Allah for that very miracle. the money i needed to pay what i owed for my home was collected! so i dont have to leave my home!! i dont want to go into the details but im so grateful for such wonderful people!! trust me, if you ever lose your faith in humanity...just know there are some beautiful people out there.

alhamdulillah for the goodness on this earth and for the true power of praying!

alhamdulillah for Elji and his unending, undying support. he never leaves my side and his prayers for me are surely filling the ears of Allah constantly. his devotion for me is constant and unwavering. i couldnt have made it through without him. elji i can never thank you enough though you will say "dont thank me.".

its just a wonderfully peaceful day for me. yes i still have issues to deal with ahead of me but with the eviction out of the way, i can finally focus on the rest!! thanks to all of you who have shown me support any manner, jazakallah khair! god bless all of you.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

my day in court

my day in court did not go in my favor. by the coming weekend, im sure ill have orders to move from our home. the home that my ex was so determined to have. he was living the american dream and wanted bigger and better. hey back then it was cool. together we could afford it and more! but alone? no. no i couldnt do it alone. between losing his income, no financial assistance from him at all after he left and me losing hours at work, im on the verge of being homeless. i have one week to come up with the monies that i owe "corporate headquarters". lol sounds daunting doesnt it.

of course ill try to do just that but, well......

but, even if we lose our home i still thank God for everything i do and dont have. He never promised us an easy life on this earth. we are forever tested.

in surah (chapter) 2 - al baqarah (the cow), verses 155 and 156 say

"Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return"

im trying to patiently persevere but its so hard. i just keep saying alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah though im really afraid.

its hard for me to admit publicly that im afraid. i still dont tell my children that. theyve always looked up to me for answers and decisions and ive always, somehow, come through for them. inshallah i will now also.

at this point, i have 3 of my children living with me. my oldest son moved back in a few weeks ago, brittany came back and of course the little one. im trying to think what to do with everyone in the event i have to leave the house.

alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

Friday, January 16, 2009

with hardship, comes ease.

this morning ill be going through something that seems to be the culmination of all that ive been going through these past months. i have to go to court and face the music over some issues caused by my ex husbands extended "vacation". im very nervous and for the past few days have felt a great deal of stress build up as i headed toward this day......i pray that the people whom i love will forgive me for being impatient, snappy and just basically bitchy at times. ive prayed that things will turn out well but i realize, too, that sometimes even the most sorrowful of situations turn into blessings.

i think daily of surah (chapter) 94 from the Qur'an

94:1 Alam nashrah laka sadraka

94:2 WawadaAAna AAanka wizraka

94:3 Allathee anqada thahraka

94:4 WarafaAAna laka thikraka

94:5 Fa-inna maAAa alAAusri yusran

94:6 Inna maAAa alAAusri yusran

94:7 Fa-itha faraghta fainsab

94:8 Wa-ila rabbika fairghab

the meaning of this surah is such

Have We not expanded thee thy breast?

And removed from thee thy burden

The which did gall thy back?-

And raised high the esteem (in which) thou (art held)?

So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief:

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.

Therefore, when thou art free (from thine immediate task), still labour hard,

And to thy Lord turn (all) thy attention.

these verses give me hope and allow me to know that at some point down the road there will be ease and relief and this is what keeps me going.

alhamdulillah and thank you Elji for being my ease on earth!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

so im talking on my cell phone....

same here....sorry to the readers lol. just trying to be fair to the ex. thats the least i can do for another human being. yeah i know he's not been fair to me...but inshallah, i can be a better person.

im about to go through a really rough patch, but alhamdulillah for everything. for every single thing. im trying to keep my sight on Allah. trying to follow Him. wherever it is that He is leading me right now. i figure no matter how hard it gets as long as He is my leader it has to come out in a good place, inshallah.

Ibn Abaas narrated that the Messenger of Allah said, “Observe the rights of Allah upon you, Allah will protect you; observe the rights of Allah, you will find Him in front of you (i.e. He will guide you). When you ask, ask of Allah, and when you seek for assistance, seek it from Allah. When the whole of mankind agree to benefit you with something, they cannot benefit you except with something that Allah has decreed for you, and know that when they agree to harm you, they cannot do you any harm except that which Allah has decreed upon you. The pens have been raised and the pages have dried.” (At-Tirmidhee)

“And if you would count the favours of Allah, never could you count them. Truly, Allah is Oft-forgiving Most Merciful.”(An-Nahl 16: 18)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

how short was my relief.

sorry but i deleted this post. though my ex does drive me insane at times, after a bit of thinking i decided i didnt want to expose his hardships. that wasnt fair of me, astaghfirullah.

no, please dont get the idea that ive gone all soft. no..i just wouldnt want anyone to do that to me.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

why, why, why, why?

why cant my ex husband just leave me alone? WHY?

he cant seem to accept that its finished and over. he doesnt call as often...alhamdulillah for that. but when he does call i have to end up hanging up the phone.

he is newly diagnosed with hypertension (high blood pressure) which im sorry for. his mother had a two of strokes and died a couple of years afterwards.

after i told him the islamic divorce was final and that i needed an address to mail him a copy, i didnt hear from him for 3 days. when he called me after these 3 days, he told me that he had been hospitalized for his blood pressure. he insinuated that my news of divorce did this to him.

he broke one of his teeth down to the gum and needs oral surgery and developed a sty.

all of this after the news of the divorce.

i remind him that he brought this divorce on himself. he realizes that, but he is lost i guess.

he cant find a job.

feels he has no one.

the last straw today for me is hearing him say that God is forgiving, why cant i be? i said yes God is forgiving and give me some time and i will be too. just a bit too fresh right now.

it took me a minute, but the realization finally struck....wait! you want me to be forgiving and what? take you back?

yes, take him back. thats what all of this phone call was about. to forgive him and take him back. his life is so bad and nothing is going right for him.

well my life's not exactly a bed of roses. im still trying to recover from the financial disaster you've left me. im on the verge of losing my home any day now. im still receiving your bills and having to answer the phone calls from your creditors. we go without an awful lot because of the condition you left us in.

but i didnt say any of that...its been said before the divorce. i dont want to keep re-hashing it.

but i did say to him that there will be no going back. i dont feel love for him. i care about him and his welfare. i dont wish him any ill will and thats the truth.

i reminded him again that we are islamically divorced and i would never return to him anyway. i also reminded him that i will obtain a civil divorce to complete the entire process....more money spent from my pocket unfortunately.

this is when he started yelling, ranting, raving...he has nothing here. he doesnt care. he cares about nothing. he doesnt care if he has a job, has a place to live.

i told him to please calm down. i dont want to continue to live through this stress. i was feeling so good after signing the papers. i dont want to have to keep listening to this crap. i told him to go to the mosque. talk to someone there that can help him find a job, find a more permanent place to live or just to help him go back to egypt.

he shouted that he is NOT going to beg for help. so i told him to return to the woman that he left me for then. perhaps she will be willing to help him. he started shouting more...he never wants to see her again.

i couldnt say anything over his shouts. i just hung up.

when do i get permanent closure from this marriage? he makes my nerves get so bad. im sorry for his situation honestly, but i just want to move on.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

what the hell?

yeah!! thats the title of my newest post....WHAT THE HELL!!!???

for the first time in months i feel free to write about something else. i dont feel weighted down by the ex and the problems. i dont feel the need to write about that saga.

wow, i feel through my house. singing and shouting!! woo hooooo.

dare i say dancing, singing and shouting while running naked through my house??? now thats freedom.

but NO!! that would be another WTH!

why? because im fat!! you dont run naked through your home with a jelly belly. take my word for it on that!

ive never in my entire life been a thin person. i was much smaller and ive been heavier. childbirth and misery has a tendancy to do those things to people.

i used to really struggle with self image but then i realized that i would never be the skinny young frail thing and learned to accept who i am. we're not all the same.

so im the first to admit it!! yeah im a chunk!! others will say, "dont say that!!" or "no youre not!" and i cant help but laugh. what, you think that when youre overweight you become blind too? i cant see it or feel it? you just gotta see the humor in it all. its not a crime to be overweight. saying im fat is not the equivelant of admitting that im a career criminal. looool. God.

cant lie though, i dont love my fat...not by any stretch of the imagination. wish it would disappear.

something tells me thats not going to happen!

oh well..........i STILL feel like running, shouting, singing and dancing through my house naked!!!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

im single.

i finally did it. i signed the papers. the divorce papers. it took a bit of time from when i got them to build up the courage to sign them. but once i did?




the months of suffering melted away from me. it was raining outside but the shine shone down on me and i blossomed like a spring flower!

corny? yeah well, maybe, but its true.

Allah has indeed heard the statement of the woman who pleads with you concerning her husband and carries her complaint to Allah: and Allah hears the arguments between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees all things surah 58:1