Thursday, October 30, 2008

closing shop for a while.

you guys take care!!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

dammit i am determined!!!!

where is my happiness? my joy? my cheerfulness? where is my cutting humor? my cynacism?

where did it go?

where is jana?

where is jana?

here i am!

here i am!

how are you today maam?

very well thank you?

run and play.

run and play.


ok so im determined. to do what? i FEEL you. i know youre sitting at your desk scratching your head in perplexity. youre asking yourself, "what can jana be talking about?"

i know...i feel ya. i scratch my own head all the time in perplexity (good word, right?)

i am determined to be........HAPPY.

i am just im just SICK ....of being down and out and fighting with myself. sick of struggling with life.



and im not only determined, im determined to succeed.

if you see me with my big cow face droooping? please feel free to kick my arse here. i dont mind. remind me that I AM DETERMINED.

and now im liberated.

Angry in Oman

i dont think ive ever written a post specifically for another blogger but ANGRY IN OMAN has me completely cracking up when i read her posts!!!!!!!!! it takes alot alot alot for me to really be entertained but this girl is hilarious!!! there is a link to her blog in my blog list. see it? over there to the right? when you have some free time, sit down with a cup of java (or whatever your poison may be) put your feet up (lol but not on AIO's coffee table) and read read read.

thanks angry in oman for making me laught my ass was too big anyway.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

the weird mind.

i was reading someone else's blog a little while ago. one of her readers commented that her mother had passed and somewhere in the subliminal passages of my mind, i was thinking that i knew how she felt. i sympathized.


WTF? somewhere in the depths of my brain, something has made me feel that my mother is dead. ive addressed the situation with my mother in earlier posts but she is in a nursing home since july, i think.

ive talked to her once and that once was hard for me to do. she sounded so tiny yet was coherent. said she liked it there. had friends there.

i guess ive been a nurse too long. i know the workings of nursing homes. i know things that outsiders dont and will never know. so it was easier for my siblings to accept such a bullshit living situation for our mother.

but i know. i know how life is there. i know what goes on when administration leaves, what goes on when the family members go home for the day, i know....yes i do.

when i was going through my depression recently, i was in worse shape because i could always call my mother and talk to her. i didnt want anything from her except to listen. but i was thinking now i dont even have her. i didnt realize at the time that i was feeling as if she were dead.

that was not an conscious decision that i made. somehow it grew by itself.

i dont even talk to my siblings anymore.

ive suffered several losses over the past few months, some that ive not even addressed here and wont address here as its not up for public discussion at all...not now anyway.

i guess im stronger than i ever knew because somehow ive managed to keep myself from disappearing completely.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Thought of the Day

when you write a post about good and decent things, you may get one or two comments.

but write a post about the horrors in your life and you get 1000 comments. no not just my blog. look at the blogs where people are speaking about their private lives with the most intimate or horrific details included. THOSE posts get noticed big time.

blogs about co wives get the most traffic. people who are unhappy and lamenting online get the most hits. being abused? you can count on heavy support.

i noticed it before i ever had a blog. be happy? very few comments. be sad and miserable and angry? alot of comments.

when i write here, i get comments from some telling me that i should do better . yet i have another very positive website with information for people wanting to learn more about islam. you can even leave comments.....good input there? no, never. but ill bet if i wrote how islam is not serving me well, i would DEFINETLY get alot of input.

just really doesnt make any difference to me. its human nature i guess. a postive upbeat post is boring. the sad, troubled, angry post is exciting. makes you just want to comment and preach!!

Monday, October 20, 2008

what the heck?

i woke up this morning in an absolutely awesome mood!! first time in weeks. i slept well. i woke up energetic and happy.

and of course i said, "what the heck?" i took my coffee to the back porch and actually smiled!!!

first time in days and days and days and...........


thanks to anyone that was sending up prayers for me. you did good!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

do you ever wonder? well i do!

do you ever wonder if there are really any authentically caring people in the world? i have to wonder sometimes. ok so im doing a serious injustice to the truly loving people of the world, and yes i do know that there are real people out there. you dont come across them often and you never know (til its too late) which ones are the real deal and which ones wouldnt know real love and concern if it presented itself with a name tag.

ive gotten past the point of depression and groveling in my own wretchedness and moved on to cynicism and contempt for much of the world around me.

people just do not care about each other anymore. we are far too busy and self important to focus on others.

ive seen people in dire straits - financial, emotional and/or physical. somehow its always been easier for me to recognize when someone is in need of assistance.

years ago, people were all too willing to help out? now? you ask someone to help another out? you get no answer, a curt answer, a rude answer. i dont have the money to help, the time, the energy, the care. i do not care to help. im busy. i have my own problems....screw yours.

i could give you example after example of people that i have known that needed help. a few dollars, a shoulder to lean on, a ride to the grocery store and couldnt find a soul to even look in their direction.

yesterday our unit secretary got a call while at work. her sister was calling from jamaica. their mother died suddenly. how would you like to get that call? she told my charge nurse in a very matter of fact way, but the poor girl was in shock. seems her mother woke up, took her morning shower. sat on the toilet to put lotion on her legs and fell over dead from a stroke. the secretary turned to try to finish putting doctors orders into the computer. we had to grab her and say hey come on...plz. she was stunned and had no idea what to do with herself.

she was back at work this morning because her husband was away in NY. she was trying to keep herself occupied with work. i gathered all the co workers and said so what are we going to do to help her out. help her to get home to jamaica. to remember her mother. no one said anything. shrugged their shoulders. went on about their business. said thats what they had hospital help committees for.

i stood there as they went on about their business of "CARING FOR OTHERS".

you run across a handful of really great people. but they are the minority. even as i was going through my ugly depression. that handful of people were wonderful. but there were some who said they cared but disappeared when i wasnt my usual chipper, sarcastic, bitchy self. guess you gotta stay good all the time to keep some loved ones around.

yet sometimes when times get rough...a stranger will appear who really does care and listen. and its a very very pleasant surprise. someone steps out of the crowd and moves you to the side and makes you think instead of feel.

what happened to all of us? dont we owe anything to each other? you know, you never know when you may need another person to help us out of a jam.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

someone. someone knows me.

someone wrote a story for me. no. someone wrote the story of his past for me. a certain time in his past. because somehow he knows me. and somehow i know him. his story made me feel so weak and vulnerable and more aware of how many of us are all alone even when surrounded by loved ones. though people think they know me, they dont. ive always covered myself with other qualities and attributes that make up a superficial layer. my costume for the masses. my first instinct was to run, as usual. to fight that weakness by building a more impenetrable costume. but this time i couldnt. i was trapped.

i think his story made me feel weak because it ripped those layers off and i was left standing exposed. i stood there wide open.

but so did he.

Monday, October 13, 2008

big big sigh.

today is worse than yesterday. i cant get a grip on myself for anything. my husband called and i laid into him as ive never done before. i couldnt stop myself from telling him every single thing i couldnt stand about him and how he had crushed my dream of having a decent marriage. he took it all rather humbly and quietly. i was pleased actually because had he gotten indignant i would have really gone beserk!

ive not felt so depressed in a long long time. everything makes me anything from tearful to a downright bawling kid (disguised as an adult). i feel shaky all the time. i dont want anyone to even speak to me. i usually dont like to be home alone but today i couldnt wait til everyone got the HELL OUT.

i feel totally totally lost and i cant even find the correct path to get going. oh yeah i see them. i know the directions like the back of my hand. my feet just wont seem to go down the trail.

for years, ive always be the supportive one, the pep talk giver. miss "dont let it get you down". if i did get down, i bounced back up.

but i cant. i find comfort in Allah but i cannot pull myself out of the pits. ive too much on top of my head right now.

and back to work tomorrow. i dont know how thats going to work. but no matter how i feel i have to smile and be kind to the patients. maybe that will actually make me feel better.

i wish i knew what to do.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

what has happened to jana?

this week alone has been just that for me. i can suffer through many kinds of emotions, i can feel down and depressed and im usually pretty good at being able to hold on to the rope. able to keep my head above water. but this time i feel like i have anchors tied to my ankles.

i had already found a way to save myself after elji left for pk. that in itself was hard enough knowing what the outcome of that could have been. i always turn to Allah but this time i covered myself in Him. i was able to find some resolution for that situation. though i missed and still do miss elji, i tried to keep my wits about me and not lose sight of reality.

also, i was praying hard for so many things and i actually saw a couple of them granted this week. which was totally awesome because i found myself totally consumed with prayer. tearful, feverish prayer.i used to be afraid to ask Allah for personal things, for fear of being selfish. but Elji is the one who taught me how to pray more effectively and to not be afraid to ask for things for myself. it was hard to do but i did it. i dont mean silly, foolish things. no not ever that.

then the worst...that time of the month. and i had to stop praying. i dont know about others but i feel left out and left behind when i cant pray the five prayers.

then the absent husband. the absent husband that is actively driving me insane. calling more and more. if i dont answer my cell phone, he calls each and every one of my children's cell phones, the land phone until someone answers. "where is your mom??!!" and God forbid no one answers at all. then i get the voice messages. the messages with the shouting egyptian demanding to know where i am.

the shouting egyptian. thats not new. ive grown used to that over the past year or so. the shouting egyptian telling me to bang my head against the wall. the shouting egyptian telling me that IF i was a good wife, i would stand still until he tells me to move. ya allah. i guess i wasnt a good wife. seems i never was.

now he is trying to buy me back. he sent me a new diamond ring. he kept telling me to pick one out and i kept asking him why i would do that since i didnt want to stay married plus i was content with my little solitaire. so now i have it. and its on my finger. and its gorgeous. but i dont think i can keep it. everytime i look at it i feel a little disgusted for it even being there. this is a picture of it. not sure what ill do with that. now he is telling me to get a new cell phone. i have a blackjack that i have no problem with but he wants me to get the newest and the best. i dont want the newest and the best. but as i said he wants to buy me and own me. to own me. he sent a text message to me telling me that i am HIS wife. and i will never be anyone else's. THAT used to be true. i was so completely faithful and adored him. i adored him so much that i was blind as hell. i was blind to what was headed my way. i knew but i didnt want to know. i was content being mrs w.m.a.a.z. now i get irritated just hearing his voice at times.

then yesterday and today. a blast from the past. before i knew my husband, well i was in a situation that ended miserably. lol story of my life wow!! im seeing a pattern here. the second person from that misery contacted me after all this time. which invoked horribly painful memories that i had buried so so very deep. this person wanted to apologize. which was nice. but that apology would have been a bit more helpful all those years ago. but it seems that this person has not been able to live or grow since that time of misery. theyve lived a quiet and sad life because of the our situation and in some ways, i have only moved on superficially. burying a problem is not the same as getting over a problem and today was just total raw emotion like i havent, even felt with my husband. it nearly brought me down completely today. i talked to this person for 4 long, painful hours. i wish i could share that story, but a very very few in this world know this story for a couple of reasons. i dont want to talk about it and it causes too much pain to even discuss it. my husband knows it. as a matter of fact, it was this problem and trauma that brought my husband and me together. he wanted to make things better for me . oh loool. yes yes yes he did a fantastic freaking job.

actually he did for a long time. but that was because i was still blind to my husbands lies and shortcomings.

i feel like everytime i get above the water for air, i dip again. something keeps pulling me under. oh please dont think that i am giving up. im just weak and tired from struggling to keep afloat. i feel snappy and mean around people including my family. im not doing my housework properly. i dont care if i go to work but i do of course. when does my peace arrive?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

been thinking.

yes i have been thinking, which is not always a safe thing. give me enough time? ill think through everything and anything. even things that dont need to be thought of, lol.

i am calm. i am not happy but i am calm.

ive learned to lean on my own self a bit more than leaning on others.

friends are wonderful people. they truly are. they take you the way you are.

a thought....if you find yourself in love with someone, even if they love you too, IF they are not your friend also then they will not be there for you when you need them.

relationships are never as solid as you think they are. im sure i can hear people yelling now that their own is rock solid. you never know though. ive thought the same myself.

ive been let down. and when i found solace in another, i was let down again.

so basically i let myself down. by not leaning on myself and Allah more. ive always leaned on Allah but myself? i think i thought i wasnt capable of tending to my own weaknesses. my own fears.

but i am.

and i will.

Monday, October 6, 2008

good people in the world!

seriously, ive already said there are awesome people on the net. we received several cards, good wishes and a couple of gifts in the mail from people that i have known on the net for years and some not so long. how heartwarming. and i mean that sincerely!! sometimes when you feel like youre totally alone in the world, walking amongst strangers, God sends someone to surprise you and to let you know that there is always someone thinking of you.

thanks guys!!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

ok! so im still alive here....imagine that.

alot has happened to me over the past few days. no i should say that alot of emotions have happened to me over the past few days. you know, online people are tremendously supportive. what did we do before we had the internet?

eid al fitr came and went without so much as a spark for me. somehow im just not going to let that happen again. i dont know what i have to do to NOT be alone next time, but i wont. now i know how christians feel when christmas comes and they have no one. ahhh the lonliness. it is painful. i was never alone for christmas. never. but muslim celebrations? hmm. i worked day 1 and day 2 of eid, but i oft wondered what other people were doing throughout the day. oh well.

my husband did send my daughter a large package of clothes as an eid gift. at least he thought of her, alhamdullilah.

Elji. he is leaving for pakistan tonight with his dad. though im not sad about it anymore, i am worried since safety in pakistan is rather precarious. he will be there for 2 long weeks but from what i understand he will not be in the large cities during his stay and this is where the violence is. he will not marry either. he made up his mind about that already. we will have a bit more time and even though i am relieved at that, i understand what that can mean. we will either grow closer and inshallah something good can come of it or inshallah he will still marry someone from pakistan and we will suffer tremendously. please people, no bad comments about elji. dont compare him to the guy you once knew that broke your heart. he and i are exceptionally honest. we both know where we stand in each others lives and we both know each others situations. we know what can and probably will happen. that bridge is still before us.

anyway, i am pretty good actually. relaxed for the most part. im still alive alhamdullilah.