Saturday, May 31, 2008


i am.

i have fought hard for everything i have. no i dont mean material things. that is just something i dont care much about.

i mean religion, necessities, family, finances, understand right?

but now im tired. the fight is fighting back against me.

and im tired.

and i have given up.

at this point, im living in a vacuum. there are ppl and things swirling all around me at a rapid rate. but im in the center and not moving.

i used to grab hold of those things swirling around me and try to keep things in check. i held on for a long time but im tired and i let go.

i just let go.

and i cant grab anything else.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

birthdays and hateful sisters

alls quiet on the front.

or so i thought.

i arrived home from work yesterday to my mothers announcement "im moving back to the nursing home?

what? could you say that again? hold on let me pick my jaw up off of the floor.

after some prompting....seems my dear sister had been talking to my mother. my mother listens to her old music at times and gets really reminds her of old days. it reminds her of the days that her mother, sisters and husband were still alive.

so she calls ppl to feel better, my wicked sister included. this dear sister decided to pounce on my mothers sadness. she painted the nursing home as a thing of beauty. told her she could come back to her hometown and stay there.

i waited til my mother went to sleep and called dear sister. oh yes...she was ready for me. yes, she said, she was telling my mother that she had that option but she wanted my mother to come willingly.

but this time i had had enough....i told her that while most normal decent children are fighting to keep their parents OUT of the nursing home she is fighting to put her IN a nursing home.

i told her to stop being selfish. that even if my mother lived me or any one of our other brothers and sisters, we should all be happy that she was with a loved one that genuinely cared for her and was not being paid for an 8 hour shift.

i told her to stop calling our mother and getting her stirred up. but oh my was she angry....she let me have it.....its her mother too, judges, lawyers, i think im a doctor and noone else can take care of mother, etc etc etc

i hung up on her.

today, though, is my mothers birthday. 84 years old alhamdulillah. we had an absolutely wonderful day with her. we had her out for a while. but when we returned, there was a lovely message on the machine.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER (with alot of force and attitude)! and while youre at it, make sure you make jana tell you what all she said to ME last night."

that was it.....the birthday greeting.

nice right?

but i wont let her bother mother........i just hope she stops talking about the nursing home to her.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

bored? read this.

oh yes, this is because i know all of you are out there so bored so i thought i MUST write something for the masses!! wink wink.

updates on things.........

my mom. well she went back to our hometown for about 3 weeks and stayed with a friend there and was totally happy of course. and i was trying to think how on earth i would get her back home. but one day she just called and said when will you be here to get me. seems the friend was getting a little irritable and my mother thought she was overstaying her i did go back to get her last week.

she's actually doing quite well. she tries to force herself to remember more things and to take her meds. she has started filling up her pill reminder box herself. i think she is trying to regain her independence and show the world that her mind is not really bonkers. which she is not bonkers and i truly am happy for her that she can remember a bit more.

she cleans in the house daily. at first i thought no this is too much for her but then i realized that she wanted to do it. she's bored plus she feels that shes contributing something to the household. so i dont say anything to her anymore except for the occasional "mother, dont tire yourself".

me? im thinking of taking up some type of dance lessons. for exercise and socialization. i really have no outside interests anymore so i want something to do. but where do you find dance classes for women only.........not to mention for old fat women? yellow pages dont fail me now.

i also want to take kylee to the neighborhood pool which is difficult too since i cant have anything remotely resembling a sweimsuit. i love to swim. ahhhh why cant things be a little easier to handle.

ok thats enough excitement for today.....fluff blogging at its best.

Friday, May 16, 2008

whining like a baby gets you everywhere!

so remember a few days ago when i was sobbing and crying like a baby because noone would contribute to my website?? well i felt like a ninny for being silly, but what the heck? it worked!! i think ill start trying that approach when i need anything!!
nahh, seriously. i did have people write me and say they wanted to contribute and they did alhamdulillah. im really proud of the pieces that i was able to add to the website. they are excellent!
how bored i was just to have my own articles stuck in there. so to have new pieces by other ppl is very exciting and encouraging.
so if you have any extra time, go by the site and read their articles. there are 3 and are easy to find because they have the authors names along with the title. anything else was written by me.
and if you DONT go by and read??!!?? i will start to cry and whine again. LOUDER this time lol.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

im excited. the wait is over.

no i didnt come into a large amount of money (i wish) but i did hit the google jackpot. i started a new website for islamic material (oh yeah i wrote about that earlier). and then when it was finished, i submitted it to google. now they dont accept everything to advertise. they check it out and if its worthy of el goo-gel then it gets in and you dont know where it may show up in the long lists. plus they said it could take anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks!!

i submitted the url perhaps 5 days ago and have checked daily and......

TODAY IT IS THERE!! number one on the list!! there are several things with that name or something very similar to it.

i was really majorly excited to see something i worked hard on showing up for public viewing

alhamdulillah. thats it. thats the name of it. wow.

Monday, May 12, 2008

my most private life.

will never show up here. that is one thing i just cannot do. i really read in awe when i find a blog where the author is extremely candid and able to spill their inner most feelings. i guess there are a couple of reasons why. i used to be really frank and tell what was going on in my life but then i discovered that sometimes people use that bit of revelation against you at a later time or spend their coffee breaks gossiping about you. and you know who was the best at doing that? my own family (sisters, brothers, cousins). i had no idea years ago that when i told one sister something it traveled through a network. i used to feel totally slapped when i discovered that my "secrets" were not mine at all. no, i had beamed my innermost feelings up to a satellite hovering over the earth and it had been splintered down to a hundred different homes.

another thing i learned was not to talk about my husband. my current husband is my second husband. when youre having troubles, its not always best to spill your guts to someone unless you know they are totally faithful to you and your secrets. if you tell the wrong person or more than one person, it spreads like a bad rash. then they feel, also, that they have the right to slander your husband at whim!!! you know the old thingy.....its ok if i say something bad about my husband but that doesnt give YOU the right to.

then only recently, someone read information that i deemed personal on a website i have for women only and actually threw it in my face. something i had written FOUR YEARS AGO. i couldnt even remember what the heck she was talking about.....but it slowly crawled back into my brain a couple of days later.

that is why i write about boring things, mundane things, blah blah blah kinda things.

talking about my mom is one thing. but talking about things that really affect me deeeep inside is another animal altogether.


see ya!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

i feel really happy

today is mothers day. and im most definately a mother. i have 5 children. all with very different personalities and goals in life. you know it wasnt the easiest to raise all of them but at least theyre alive, doing well and healthy. they all work.......ok no they dont. my 16 and 5 year old daughters dont work, but the 3 boys do.
they took me out to dinner last night in honors of mothers day. mexican, which is definately not my favorite. they told me to pick where i wanted to go and of course i picked something that i thought everyone would like. but On the Border is not typical mexican restaurant fare. its pretty good and the atmosphere is good. so we had fun.

but thats not the reason im happy.....i really have no explanation . just a good feeling. an overall peace. which for me is not always available. there is usually something that has me feeling a little nervous or thinking hard. but not this morning, alhamdulillah.

anyway, wanted to wish the mothers of this world a happy day. i hope that you have loving children and that you will always grow as their mother.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

ahhh just ignore that!

i was just frustrated and venting!! lol


this may be silliness, i dont know really. but i started a new website....just a little page with information about islam. well i wanted the input of different muslims on the site, i even added a mens page but i needed men to write for me. just short articles. anything. any topic.

i just needed a little assistance.

main thing is im a revert (convert), and i needed the input of ppl that were a little more knowledgable than i am. so i asked several ppl, nearly everyone offered me a reason why they couldnt. a few reasons were legit..truly they were. some said they would and never came through. some offered really lame reasons. it doesnt take long to write a short article. something simple. but for the most part i was IGNORED.

hmmm maybe ive had a stroke and accidentally asked for money instead of an article.

anyway, noone is obligated to help me do anything and i did start the website. but i just know how i am.......if someone asked me to help them i would jump on it, actually i would be honored that they thought enough of me to ask lol.

i feel frustrated as not one single person has come through. and i thought, as muslims, we were all supposed to give dawah. i really (perhaps im naive) thought at least a handful of ppl would be interested.

i do have to give it to one lady though!! i went to a forum that i visit from time to time and asked for help with a few articles and a member did pm me offering to help. alhamdulillah and inshallah. thanks to that lady.

i know ppl are busy but i am too.......but we should all set aside 10 mins to offer ourselves for the sake of God.

i just feel a little let down i guess. but ill finish it, no matter how long it takes.

rant over.