Sunday, January 31, 2010

division of secular life vs spiritual life

...ive gathered, now, that dividing secular life and spiritual life is rather hard to do.

i used to write most of my musings here but i seem to write more in the other place...when i do write.

there is not a whole lot going on in life in general these days and as ive thought more about it, its really my own fault.

i have a full time job in my home town which is much better for me than the traveling i was doing and being cancelled from my shifts, many times not even finding this out until i had driven an hour and entered the nurses station!!

the job is not the best but it pays the bills and i try to keep this in mind! alhamdulillah

i dont hear that much from my 7 year old's father...was daily. asking forgiveness and can he return. i mulled that idea over many times but knowing his history and qur'anic ruling regarding divorce, i nixed it.

i told him that i will remarry one day and he always became incensed, demanding i dont dare mention remarriage.....erm dude, we are divorced and you packed and left remember.

thats been nearly 2 years ago, by the way, that he packed and left.

i think that is one of the main reasons there is not much going on in my life..i buried all of that and was determined to get on with life.

i did bury it...get on with life? kinda.

i think it haunted me and it has started to nag at me as of late. wondering what all of the effort was for. trips back and forth to egypt. time of my life. immigration. homeland security. how many thousands of dollars for airfare. one child and a miscarriage later, i find myself alone.

was there wife number 2? yes? no? am not sure, but i feel certain i was a vicitim of hidden polygyny. Allahu alim.

and i think this thought is what has started to awaken me at nights....the oh so subtle signs that i should have paid more attention to. oh well, being a good old american southern girl who grew up in one husband/one wife families....i didnt know to look for those signs. how ignorant i was going into this marriage.

i know much better now.

my children are basically grown and the eldest has moved to another state but the others are at home.

my second oldest son has just entered local college in a dental hygiene program and wishes to be a dentist eventually, God willing!

3rd son cant quite decide though his main goal is the NBA. God willing on that too.

my oldest daughter has started taking necessary steps to become an XR tech!! God willing.

and then there's me and my 7 year old. she is an excellent student at school and a struggling student at the mosque 3 days a week. i admire her tenacity though. she pulls out my biggest Qur'an each night in bed that has transliteration and practives each surah she is learning at school... she tries so hard.

and me? struggling to stay afloat with these kids. hope to remarry and live semi happily ever after one day!