Friday, November 30, 2007

the sun comes up

sometimes thats it. the sun comes up. we get up. we do things. we go. we come. the sun goes down. we sleep. inshallah we wake up again and do the same mundane things again.

sometimes, you look back and wonder where your life went. why did you make the decisions you made. why did you marry the person you married. why did you take the job you have. why did you say something bad to a person. why you ignored a person. these are random thoughts as usual.

who cares.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

ugh! what world was i in!!!!????

ya Allah! what world was i in today? i nearly lost myself. i have been trying different things as a nurse to try to find something new. to rejuvenate my positive feelings about this long lived career of mine. so today, the agency i work for sent me to train at the COUNTY JAIL. siggghhhh. they have asked me for a long long time if i wanted to go and i always said no. and my husband always said no. and sometimes to get the pressure off of my back, i simply said no my husband really really wont let me so they would just hush for a while. they finally stopped asking. but today i went. i agreed to it several days ago, but by the time this morning arrived............i did not want to go. i woke up on time, sat, stared, drank coffee, spilled coffee, stared at the internet, talked myself out of it, talked myself into it. i procrastinated so long that the time for me to leave came and went. finally i MADE myself get up. put my uniform on. called my boss and said, "well, i talked myself out of going. was gonna call you later and tell you that i couldnt. but....i am making myself try it for one day......and im gonna be late because of it."

i felt like i had stepped off a bus into the twilight zone. big metal doors slamming. locks clanging. officers carrying guns, mace and pepper spray. inmates of all colors, nationalities, sizes staring as if i were a valuable painting up on the auction block (the men have lost their minds lol). i had to go into their cells with an armed guard, pass out medicine and get the heck out of there. in one cell, i could hear the inmates getting really monkeys jumping in trees and getting riled up. i kept waiting for the tin cup to start rattling across the cell bars (there are actually no bars in this multi million dollar facilty). then i heard another officer telling my officer via radio, "get her outta there!! pull that nurse out NOW!". well i didnt even wait for that officer to tell me, i got the heck outta there NOW. my heartrate went from 80 to 180.

then the physicals. i did about 40 today. do you have tuberculosis...yes. exposed to sexually transmitted diseases....yes. do you use street drugs..yes. what kind....heroin, cocaine, marijuana. how often...daily. do you drink...yes. how much...6 pack daily ( my God). hepatitis...yes. gold teeth, no teeth. fat, skinny. clean, smelly.

when we went to eat lunch, the inmates working in the kitchen couldnt cook for staring. i began to get nauseous.

i went back to the cells to do blood sugar checks. men naked. guards saying , " boy get your f--king clothes back on while the nurse is here!!" i kept my eyes on the floor or eye to eye with the inmate i was treating.

by the end of the day, i have never been so happy to hear that last damned metal door clang and lock click behind me.....jump in my car and speed away into the night.....and home.

home. siggghhhh.

Monday, November 26, 2007

out for lunch

my husband and i were out eating lunch today. it was raining outside, still overcast. we ran inside the deli giggling like 2 kids and were met by warmth. oh it felt really good in there. the food smelled great!! the deli is huge and they have a large selection of hot soups and hot sandwiches. nothing cold there. we ordered and sat down. while my husband went to get our drinks, i was sitting at the table looking around. the warmth of the place had already gotten rid of the chill i had from the outdoors but then i carols. it seemed that the noises around me faded away. i went back in time. i didnt even realize that my husband had come back. he said what? what did i do? did i do something? i was a little puzzled by his questions. what do you mean, i asked. why are you about to cry? apparently my face had turned red, tears were at the surface.

you see, earlier this year i became a muslim. of course there is no christmas in islam. only my husband, our daughter together, and me...we are the only muslims in our family here in the u.s.a. my older 4 children and the rest of my extended family are all christians. i will still have a downscaled celebration for my older children and i would never deny an invitation from family for christmas get togethers. our christmas tree will be the "winter tree"

but hearing the christmas carols made me feel happy and childlike. even though i dont share the ideals of christianity anymore (but you must realize that there are a tremendous amount of similarities between christianity and islam), i still love the time of the year and the memories it invokes. i still love the decorated trees, all the beautiful twinkling lights, the beautiful music. the atmosphere, the smells, shopping. i did this for 44 years, why would it suddenly lose its appeal to me now.

i never did answer my husband. i was afraid that if i told him what was in my heart i would cry in front of all the soup slurping customers. i didnt want to tell him how i will miss christmas and all of its glory. i didnt want to tell him that i feared it was sinful for a muslim to be celebrating christmas. i told him i would talk to him later and i will.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

the air out there

its cold outside. and overcast. supposed to rain. its quiet in the house. it reminds me of when i was a child. especially of a day when it was exactly like this, i was the only one watching tv in a darkened room. watching two thing, cartoon versions of a christmas carol and the headless horseman. i was young..less than 10 so both of them gave me the creeps. especially the ghost of christmas future in a christmas carol.

sometimes, i find myself looking for either of these versions on tv or cd but i have never been able to find them.

this is my favorite time of year, i suppose. it always takes me back to a safer place and time. ill never grow up

Saturday, November 24, 2007

i was happier singing

i always sang..for as long as i can remember. i loved music and no matter what kind of problems i was having, music took me to another level. i loved to sing and i loved to sing loudly. when i went to college, i thought i wanted to be an actress. i really like acting alot and was pretty good at it. but then i decided to switch my major to music performance. oh man that was the best time of my life. i was surrounded by some of the most talented ppl that i have ever known. singers, instrumentalists, music coaches. most of us got along pretty good, but there was always the random showboat that wanted to compete. we used to get together at the apartment that i shared with marian scavelli (we both played the piano but she didnt sing) and sing our hearts out. sighhhhh. i miss the heck out of those voices and that talent.

i belonged to a professional singing group and we actually toured during our school quarters. i also belonged to a childrens performance group called the pied pipers. we were so silly. after i graduated, i took a job as the parish choir director (i had to be the secretary too lol). i also had the childrens choir. now that was a chore as i have very little patience with children. i also was the lead singer of a band called airhart. we would perform for audiences of 100 or sometimes 5. we didnt care. we just wanted to perform.

at some point soon after i graduated, my sister in law , who was nearly 15 years older than me, asked me to attend some nursing classes with her. she hadnt studied in years and wanted someone to help her in school. i said sure. she was my favorite sis in law so i couldnt refuse. we took the class. i made an A+ and didnt have to study very much. she had a b and studied all the time to get that grade. we took another class. i made A+ and was on the deans list. she still didnt do as well as i did. i tried to help her the best i could, but the older you get the harder it is to learn. i can say that from experience since i am older now.

she eventually got irritated with me cause i was making better grades and dropped out. i stayed in and graduated as a nurse. well actually i went to nursing school in 2 parts because i had my first child and stayed out for a year and a half.

so im a nurse today. this summer will be 20 years as a nurse for me. she works as a secretary at the university. i never wanted to be a nurse. and i still dont want to be a nurse. the work itself is fulfilling simply because of what we do for people. the miracles and achievements i see. but there is also the other side. the desperation when a patient cant be cured or saved. sudden loss and grief.

but i still dont want to be a nurse. i dont sing anymore. i went on to have 4 more children and there was not time for singing except in my home. all of my children love music. my 16 year old daughter wants to sing. pathetically i dont even encourage this. i tell her to study something more solid then if she can sing on the side great. if it leads to fame great.

even if i could never sing publicly again, i still dont want to be a nurse. i wish i could do something different. i wish i had something more cheerful to do. i am not sure what that is. and i am getting old now. but i dont think its too late. i look at ppl who are in their 5o's and 60's and still doing great in their jobs.

i dont know how to do anything else.

lets get started

alright, so where do i start?

im getting older so i thought i should do this. i know there are a million blogs on the net. ive always wondered why people were so vain that they thought that others would be interested in reading their thoughts. well, here is my vanity then.

i was born in alabama 45 years ago...youngest of 7. was always treated like a baby and still act like one at times. was married some time ago and had 4 children. the oldest, mark, is 21. pj is 18. chris is 17. brittany is 16. kylee has just turned 5. i had her with my current husband..hence the age span.

my mother is my only living parent. my father died from cancer when i was just 10. thats not a long time to have a parent is it? he was 47 at the time, and the closer i get to this age, the nearer i sense my own mortality. there are times that im sure that i will live only til my 47th year too. i start to wonder what will happen to my children if i die soon. i often ask my husband what will happen to the kids if i die, i ask the older kids to make sure that the younger ones are ok. to not let anything happen to them.

my second husband is from egypt. yeah a southern girl and an egyptian. he is younger than i am too but he acts older but most ppl do i think. he is a good husband and im not the best wife. i am faithful to him, i dont lie to him, i love him but im sure i could do more. he doesnt complain much.

how did i end up in georgia you ask? oh you didnt ask. anyway, i was trying to get away from the older kids dad. so one day, i literally closed my eyes and pointed to a map and told the older 4 kids that whichever city i touch..well thats where we're going. pointed to athens ga. and thats where we went. and we've been here for 10 years. and no i dont like athens. i did at one point, but i fantasize alot about living somewhere else.

anyway thats enough for now. might actually come back and write again. only God knows.

you can wake up now.