Monday, September 29, 2008

Eid mubarak!!

tomorrow marks the beginning of eid al fitr for those of us in western countries!! its a 3 days celebration after ramadan to rejoice in our successes and struggles of ramadan!! most muslims spend that time with family and friends. but not all of us have muslim family and friends immediately around us. so at times, it can be a bit solemn for some of us. i am one of those. i dont have muslim family...not on my side anyway. but i have a rather large online muslim family ALHAMDULLILAH!!! i am so grateful for everyone of them...without them, it would have been so hard.

but there is one person that made ramadan the absolute best for me. this person stayed with me daily and encouraged me in my fasting. this person was online when i got up for sehri (or suhoor {meal before fasting}), when i had iftaar, when i was struggling crushing meds at work and having a thick coating in my throat, when i was very thirsty throughout the day and also there to make sure that i not only prayed, but prayed effectively. even though there wasnt another adult muslim in my home throughout ramadan, this person WAS in effect there. each day. this person made sure i had healthy meals, had plenty of fluids and took care of my health.

i really want to thank you if i didnt already.....what you did was totally awesome and was over and beyond what i could have imagined. jazakallah khair. youll receive so many rewards!!!

at the same time i dont want to subtract from what the rest of my online family did!!! we were all in it together. we supported each other. and we were company for each other.

inshallah each and every one of you will have a wonderful eid al fitr. you deserve it!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

for your entertainment!

i was told by someone dear to me that certain people visit my blog so that they can discuss it behind my back. do i dare go so far as to say gossiping? how interesting. well it IS for public viewing so read it all you like even if you can barely stand the contents.

remember your manners and that even though no one is discussing YOUR business, you continue to worry about whats going on in my life.


Saturday, September 27, 2008

the power of prayer....i can only assume.

salam readers!!

ive had so many people tell me that they are praying for me and my situation..its really incredible. want to thank you for that, God will definately reward you.

the point of this is that im feeling incredibly calm. not the sad, nervous wreck that i was last night or earlier today. i literally could not sit still.

im not usually that good at calming myself so i sincerely believe that your prayers and my own have brought me to the place where i am now.

hopefully tonight is laylat al qadr (night of power), a very important night during ramadan. one when the prayers offered this night are better than praying for a thousand months and our sins are wiped away. that we become closer to Allah this night than any other night of the year. i plan on praying til i cant pray anymore!

please be patient with me. im not perfect. im a human being.

a very calm, peaceful human being. the power of prayer. alhamdullilah.

well......just well.

he left last night.

to visit his parents for the remainder of ramadan and eid.

then to pakistan.

to decide his fate. to meet with his potential future wife.

i need a sadness meter to put here.

dont have one...this will do

Monday, September 22, 2008

is the father here?

oh wait, im not catholic anymore am i? no confessions to be given yeah?

i know i never speak much about myself. my most private and personal life, but i want to. now i want to. im not sure if its want or need. maybe need. yeah, either way...its not going to be pretty.

my husband, the one that i absolutely loved so very much, the one that we fought tooth and nail with immigration to get his visa from egypt to the u.s.a, packed every thing he owned on april 1st. while i was at work. he called and gave some lame excuses, he was going to go for a while, a few days. needed some time to think. now i work one hour from our home. i was panicking big time. i didnt understand. i called my mother, who was still living with us, and she said he was packing ALL of the suitcases. oh God i was so confused, worried and nervous. i couldnt concentrate on my work at all. the day progressed and we talked several times. he finally decided to wait for me and we would talk. i was able to calm down a bit then. but i still didnt understand anything. i was nearing the end of my shift when he called again. cursing at the top of his lungs. he had gotten angry with my teenaged son about something and decided that he was definately leaving!!!! i was so weak by this time, i just didnt have any fight in me anymore. i was on the phone with my mother. i could hear him in the background saying that his taxi was there, tell our daughter and my mother goodbye and the door close behind him. though i was in a super busy hospital, i was suddenly shrouded in total silence and completely alone. but i never told anyone that he was gone. my children , my mother and one of my sisters knew. but not one friend, not one co worker ever knew the difference. i kept it all to myself....until now.
deja vu.....
he had done the same thing two years earlier. packed his things and both times it was everything, and left while i was at work. but the first time, he didnt even tell me. i found out when i got home and our room was eerily empty. i was totally devastated. i was pregnant. i had no clue he was even thinking to leave. i couldnt eat, sleep, drink - the whole cliched thing. everything a depressed pregnant woman could be? i was. work was a nightmare. everyone there knew he left and i cried alot. i didnt want the baby anymore. i didnt hear from him for nearly 2 weeks.
he came to visit in december of that year. we went to the doctors office so that he could hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. he was really happy. it was dec 20th, 2005. i was excited as my long time doc turned on the ultrasound. my husband and i were excited and giddy. but i realized quickly that my doc's face had turned serious. i sat up quickly and shook my head, looking pleadingly at the doc. eyes locked together. my husband was still laughing and talking. he didnt realize yet that our baby was dead. i nearly fainted. my husband took stock of the situation and jumped up and grabbed me. i slumped against him crying and asking Allah why. the thoughts of my not wanting the baby flew through my head like wildfire. i had invited this. i invited death.... and he came.
it was christmas holidays and no one was scheduling any surgeries for that week. so i had to carry him for another week. they took him the monday following the christmas weekend.
my husband left the week after the new year holiday and didnt return again until june of that year. and this time? he has been gone for nearly 7 months. he bought a ticket to come home in may, but as i was leaving to go to the airport, he called to say he had "missed" his flight. i was absolutely crushed.
but this second time, i was more angry at his actions. i wasnt a crying pleading mess like i was the first time. i grew tired of his lies and excuses. he promised to be home for our daughters graduation from pre-k, 4th of july, summer vacation, first day of school, first day of ramadan. i gave up after that. i have heard all i want to hear and no longer believe much of anything he has to say. broken promise after broken promise. i have asked for talaq (islamic divorce) several times but he refuses. he honestly thinks he can stay gone and come back as he pleases. ive talked to a couple of imams who just tell me to try to work it out...yeah ok.
but now? he is realizing that i am fed up with him and his behaviour. he is sad and not doing well. oh well. his problem now.
by the time mid summer had gotten here, i had started to heal. i was laughing and feeling good again. actually i did pretty good before that since no one even suspected anything was wrong. i had a couple of bad days here and there but in general i held up pretty good.
then i set myself up for a fall. a big fall. a big dramatic fall thats straight from some weird movie.
i became close friends with someone. a guy. oh did we laugh alot. he made me forget that i had any problems. he has a wonderfully cynical, sarcastic sense of humor. there are very few people in this world that make me laugh. but he is definitely one of them. i soon found out that he was more than funny, he was sensitve and caring......listened to everything i said. listened and heard. and responded. he lifted me up. helped me to see the world in a better way. made life seem beautiful. and what did he want in return? nothing. he wanted to see me happy. he wanted me to be able to stand up and hold my head high. and he wanted me to understand Allah and all things about Islam.
he's a good muslim. he's smart. he's pakistani. and he's to marry another eventually.... and i am in love with him. yes i am. and he loves me too.
neither of us meant to do it. it wasn't forced, it was very natural and happened when neither of us were paying attention.
he loves like there is no tomorrow. so kind and considerate. always wants to make sure im ok. never asks for anything in return.
but of course he knows im still married and i know that one day he will go off to marry another. his parents will ensure this. i would never be the welcomed american bride. we have no secrets.
he is my best friend and more.
but we can never be. even if i was free from my husband, he is not. this may not seem like much of a problem to any of the readers here, but it is very hurtful. its painful to be married to a man who cares nothing for me yet wont let me go and to love a man who does love me but is obligated to marry a fellow pak to please his parents and family.
ive never found such peace with another human. ive never experienced such gentleness. he is the light that ive written about. our situation is the treachery that ive found in that light.
ive not been involved in anything like this before and its not always pleasant. sometimes i wish i had not gotten to know him. but at the same time i thank Allah for allowing me to know how a real man loves. what life can be like with someone that is genuinely loving and giving. he has taught me so much and i wish i could even give back a small percentage of what he's given me. but what i really wish is to have a little more time with him before he does go.
haram? plz no lectures. no speeches about zina. i know all of this and more........if i had my way, if he had his way.....we would marry. even if the rest of the world thought we were insane.........elji i would never leave you.

do i always have to say something?

Friday, September 19, 2008

did i fail?

you know i didnt do so well for ramadan. no no its not over yet. a few more days to go. but for the 19 days of ramadan thus far, ive not been on my best behaviour.

someone told me that even though the devils are locked up during ramadan leaving us without the temptation of satan, we (humans) are far worse than any devil. and i see thats true.

no i wasnt evil. not satanic. but doing things that i knew was not quite right.

i have to wonder if any of my prayers or fasting have been accepted at all.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Aren't most people afraid of the dark?

and not the light? in my case it is the light that causes me to be afraid. the very same light that i wrote about in my previous post that lifted me to great heights has also instilled a sense of fear...a fear of the unknown.

inside that beautiful, warm light i have found treachery.

you would think that i would find nothing but comfort and warmth. yes i do but after i found myself enveloped in that sense of peace....i discovered that i had company there. a startling sense of uncertainty that has thrown me for a loop and left me grabbing for more light. i cant seem to achieve this though.

do any of you think ive lost it completely and headed down the highway of insanity? sometimes i feel that i have but no...i really havent.

and im sorry to write in metaphors and indirect references but i have to at this point.

just know that i am spiraling up, down, east , west,north and south. sometimes im level, but then the planes begin to spin again.

i dont know where i'll land. i dont know if it will be good or bad. i dont know if i'll be happy or sad. but i will land eventually.....just pray that i make it safely.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

my eyes are open and i see the world.

for so long now, ive focused on what was immediately around me. i dont mean that i didnt know what was going on outside of my circle or in the world, no quite the contrary. ive always paid attention to life around me....paid attention. but thats it. i never held on to anything that didnt pertain to me precisely.

lately, i have expanded my circle. ive opened my eyes to something more. much more.

ive always accepted what life has given me, bad or good. and not always without question. but i thought that was life. down one narrow path that did not veer left or right. crooked but no turns. sometimes i think my path had an awful lot or rocks and thorns thrown into it.

but life handed me a gift recently. a chance to know wonderful things. i blossomed exactly the way a flower does when watered. lifted. enhanced. enlightened. beautified. i am in the middle of a light that shines so bright yet it doesnt guides.

fairy tale? sounds like it doesnt it. jana's fables.

but its light, im not burdened. i still have many of the same problems that i had before i found my gift but they are easier to bear now

am i happy? yes. do i still have mood swings? yes. do i still have problems? yes

but somehow all of these things float with me. everything in my circle has become lighter.

how did i know that life is beautiful? how could i? i never stepped outside of my circle...until now.


Friday, September 5, 2008

stop this ride!! i dont wanna get off.

what is wrong with my head? oh im not sad. im not depressed. but my mind is presently taking a nonstop trip on a twisted, reeling roller coaster.

im going through some things now that ive never experienced in my life. im having tremendous highs only to drop to dreaded lows.

but isnt it weird? everytime the roller coaster stops to let me off. i what? right! i dont get off. i take the ride again.


because that ride takes my breath away and scares the hell out of me at the same time.