Monday, September 22, 2008

is the father here?


oh wait, im not catholic anymore am i? no confessions to be given yeah?


i know i never speak much about myself. my most private and personal life, but i want to. now i want to. im not sure if its want or need. maybe need. yeah, either way...its not going to be pretty.


my husband, the one that i absolutely loved so very much, the one that we fought tooth and nail with immigration to get his visa from egypt to the u.s.a, packed every thing he owned on april 1st. while i was at work. he called and gave some lame excuses, he was going to go for a while, a few days. needed some time to think. now i work one hour from our home. i was panicking big time. i didnt understand. i called my mother, who was still living with us, and she said he was packing ALL of the suitcases. oh God i was so confused, worried and nervous. i couldnt concentrate on my work at all. the day progressed and we talked several times. he finally decided to wait for me and we would talk. i was able to calm down a bit then. but i still didnt understand anything. i was nearing the end of my shift when he called again. cursing at the top of his lungs. he had gotten angry with my teenaged son about something and decided that he was definately leaving!!!! i was so weak by this time, i just didnt have any fight in me anymore. i was on the phone with my mother. i could hear him in the background saying that his taxi was there, tell our daughter and my mother goodbye and the door close behind him. though i was in a super busy hospital, i was suddenly shrouded in total silence and completely alone. but i never told anyone that he was gone. my children , my mother and one of my sisters knew. but not one friend, not one co worker ever knew the difference. i kept it all to myself....until now.
deja vu.....
he had done the same thing two years earlier. packed his things and both times it was everything, and left while i was at work. but the first time, he didnt even tell me. i found out when i got home and our room was eerily empty. i was totally devastated. i was pregnant. i had no clue he was even thinking to leave. i couldnt eat, sleep, drink - the whole cliched thing. everything a depressed pregnant woman could be? i was. work was a nightmare. everyone there knew he left and i cried alot. i didnt want the baby anymore. i didnt hear from him for nearly 2 weeks.
he came to visit in december of that year. we went to the doctors office so that he could hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. he was really happy. it was dec 20th, 2005. i was excited as my long time doc turned on the ultrasound. my husband and i were excited and giddy. but i realized quickly that my doc's face had turned serious. i sat up quickly and shook my head, looking pleadingly at the doc. eyes locked together. my husband was still laughing and talking. he didnt realize yet that our baby was dead. i nearly fainted. my husband took stock of the situation and jumped up and grabbed me. i slumped against him crying and asking Allah why. the thoughts of my not wanting the baby flew through my head like wildfire. i had invited this. i invited death.... and he came.
it was christmas holidays and no one was scheduling any surgeries for that week. so i had to carry him for another week. they took him the monday following the christmas weekend.
my husband left the week after the new year holiday and didnt return again until june of that year. and this time? he has been gone for nearly 7 months. he bought a ticket to come home in may, but as i was leaving to go to the airport, he called to say he had "missed" his flight. i was absolutely crushed.
but this second time, i was more angry at his actions. i wasnt a crying pleading mess like i was the first time. i grew tired of his lies and excuses. he promised to be home for our daughters graduation from pre-k, 4th of july, summer vacation, first day of school, first day of ramadan. i gave up after that. i have heard all i want to hear and no longer believe much of anything he has to say. broken promise after broken promise. i have asked for talaq (islamic divorce) several times but he refuses. he honestly thinks he can stay gone and come back as he pleases. ive talked to a couple of imams who just tell me to try to work it out...yeah ok.
but now? he is realizing that i am fed up with him and his behaviour. he is sad and not doing well. oh well. his problem now.
by the time mid summer had gotten here, i had started to heal. i was laughing and feeling good again. actually i did pretty good before that since no one even suspected anything was wrong. i had a couple of bad days here and there but in general i held up pretty good.
then i set myself up for a fall. a big fall. a big dramatic fall thats straight from some weird movie.
i became close friends with someone. a guy. oh did we laugh alot. he made me forget that i had any problems. he has a wonderfully cynical, sarcastic sense of humor. there are very few people in this world that make me laugh. but he is definitely one of them. i soon found out that he was more than funny, he was sensitve and caring......listened to everything i said. listened and heard. and responded. he lifted me up. helped me to see the world in a better way. made life seem beautiful. and what did he want in return? nothing. he wanted to see me happy. he wanted me to be able to stand up and hold my head high. and he wanted me to understand Allah and all things about Islam.
he's a good muslim. he's smart. he's pakistani. and he's to marry another eventually.... and i am in love with him. yes i am. and he loves me too.
neither of us meant to do it. it wasn't forced, it was very natural and happened when neither of us were paying attention.
he loves like there is no tomorrow. so kind and considerate. always wants to make sure im ok. never asks for anything in return.
but of course he knows im still married and i know that one day he will go off to marry another. his parents will ensure this. i would never be the welcomed american bride. we have no secrets.
he is my best friend and more.
but we can never be. even if i was free from my husband, he is not. this may not seem like much of a problem to any of the readers here, but it is very hurtful. its painful to be married to a man who cares nothing for me yet wont let me go and to love a man who does love me but is obligated to marry a fellow pak to please his parents and family.
ive never found such peace with another human. ive never experienced such gentleness. he is the light that ive written about. our situation is the treachery that ive found in that light.
ive not been involved in anything like this before and its not always pleasant. sometimes i wish i had not gotten to know him. but at the same time i thank Allah for allowing me to know how a real man loves. what life can be like with someone that is genuinely loving and giving. he has taught me so much and i wish i could even give back a small percentage of what he's given me. but what i really wish is to have a little more time with him before he does go.
haram? plz no lectures. no speeches about zina. i know all of this and more........if i had my way, if he had his way.....we would marry. even if the rest of the world thought we were insane.........elji i would never leave you.


20 comments:

  1. i have to admit that i was pretty nervous to write this entry. its alot to confide. people that i work with read my blog, people that i have known for a long time read my blog...so yes i was nervous.

    i was going to delete this when i woke up this morning. and when i got here, i got a little nervous because there were no comments at all.

    thats because i found comments in my email and pms in other places. private messages of support and offering prayer. of course i got a little admonishing because i never let anyone know what was happening. but nothing negative as i had thought. Elji, whom i mentioned at the end, was afraid that people would speak badly about me. no one as of yet has and i want to thank people for NOT speaking badly about me. its so easy to judge others. believe me, im a harsher judge regarding myself than anyone else could be!!

    so thanks to each of you who have written, for being a friend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I read this before and it made me cry...it made me cry again...I have no words that can comfort you....but Allah is the best of planners.

    ReplyDelete
  3. thanks sis...you know, i remember now telling that he left at Safa's. that was the only safe place i had to say it. no one knew me well and thats what i needed.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Asalamalaykom Jana,

    I came here from ORAU's blog. My first visit. Looks like I came here on a big week.

    I've had big weeks in my life. I've felt that no one would understand, but then, as you've seen, people do understand.

    It doesn't mean that I like what you've done. I can like you--LOVE you --and not like what you've done. Mostly, I don't like that you've put it out there. This is only you for a moment. This is not forever. HOWEVER putting it out there makes this part of you become concrete in others' minds. I'd rather that you allow for some fluidity. This time will pass.

    Right now, you believe that this is a real man and a real love. I've been there/done that. He isn't a real man to hurt you and to hurt both of your chances at Jennah---that's Jennah, not Jana. I have thought about zina, sure. But in the end, if I really love the person, then I don't want them to go to hell. A real man loves you more than putting you through this hard time you're having now---and it's only going to get harder.

    Please don't believe that his family is all that stands in your way. He stands in his own way. He will not marry you because you aren't his dream. How does that feel? Be real! If you are with a man who holds you now, but is willing to release you...? I mean, that isn't love, or commitment, and certainly not Islam.

    Now, I'll get around to the fact that you are married. I'm sorry. I've also been there/done that. It's a very, very sad marriage, but it is still a marriage---it's YOUR marriage. If you want to live with integrity in this life, you've got to deal with the truth of what you've got going on. Same as ORAU, if you don't feel good about it, change it until it does feel good.

    Is this a lecture? No. I am not above you at some podium. I am right beside you and I love you for what has been your hardship. You have been going through this time the best you could---but now you can do better.

    This is my advice: take this post down or edit it to cover your mistakes. Do it in Ramadan and you will actually reap the rewards of doing better after doing bad.

    Then, please do say goodbye to this man for the rest of Ramadan and pray, pray, pray for forgiveness. Do not take calls from him. Go to Allah with your sadness. Go to Allah and ask for loving comfort. Allah will never dump you.

    You are much more than this problem. Just spend the rest of Ramadan focusing on what is good, pure, truthful, and healthy. You will feel the difference, inshahallah.

    ReplyDelete
  5. thanks for your comment yosra and thanks for coming.

    there is no promise of marriage. never has been. even when we were just friends, i knew what was going on in his life as far as this is concerned.

    also, we dont meet. when i say there is more than friendship, i dont mean that we are meeting for intimacy. we are never in the same room alone. though i know i dont have to divulge that, i just wanted to clarify.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Salaam Alaikum sis,

    Without dealing with this new love in your life -- which I think will work out on its own -- I would like to advise you that you can ask for a khula based on the abandonment and lack of love for your husband. Divorce is not to be taken lightly but then neither is marriage and that is exactly what your husband has done over and over.

    Take care,
    PM

    ReplyDelete
  7. Asalamalaykom Jana,

    I wasn't sure if you'd post my extra-super long comment. You did and you were gracious about it. Good for you!

    I think it's good that you clarified. I wrote a while back about being tempted by my first boyfriend, but I meant to meet, not to do worse. I had to make that clear.

    There is "zina of the heart" which I think is what's going on with you. Allahu alim. You feel like he's a soulmate or the best man in your life, while you aren't really allowed to go forward on that.

    For sure, stay away from being alone! HOLY SMOKES! Can you imagine? Yes, you probably can, so don't lol.

    The thing about not having any promise of marriage means that there is no foundation; no roots to grow deeply. That ends up being so unfulfilling. The happy times will not outweigh the sadness of impossibilities.

    Well, keep finding how you can survive the moments and work towards what you really want.

    You have survived so much. Maybe the gift of your first baby was to show you how strong you really are. Now, when you think of him you can also think of the incredible strength it took to last through that week. You are amazing and worthy of an amazing man and an amazing life.

    ReplyDelete
  8. i hate the idea of divorce and i have hung on as long as i could but i just cant do it anymore. ive told him that i will do it on my own but he thinks im too "quick" to jump to a divorce. whatever. ive tried for the sake of our marriage, our past,our daughter, for the sake of Allah. but how much more do i have to take from this man. even now when we talk, he just grates on my nerves so badly.

    i mentioned the man, elji, because he really has lifted my heart. not because im planning on pursuing life with him. because there is no life with him. at some point i will have to let that go....if he has helped me with nothing else, he has helped me to be strong. he will make a beautiful husband for whomever he marries inshallah.

    im really at a loss right now, have no clue which way my life will turn. but i dont want to make any rash decisions. i will stay put until i know exactly what to do.

    ReplyDelete
  9. ASA, Man does this seem like me this past year. I KNOW how you feel and I am not going to tell you what you feel is not real love. I know it can be. Love is not perfect and we do get caught in situations that are not right for us and the feelings are still real. I lived it I KNOW.
    I am going to say if it can never be and you both know it then leave it alone. Why put yourself through all the pain. Been there too and I had to walk away and man did it hurt. I never felt so alive and then to have it just fall out my hands was a hurt I never want to feel again.
    I wrote about it on my blog I do not know if you ever read it but if you did then you know I loved and loved hard and in the end I am better for it. I am better becuase I did walk away and I am, still here to talk about it. I am better becuase I had the experience and I am better because it is a test that is over.
    Move on and finish your test. We all have them. This was just one for you. Oh yeah and like PM said get a khula. No need to be stuck in a dead end relationship. When the right situation comes along you wont be ready. Get ready not for a man but for yourself. Nothing better than the love you feel from yourself.......

    ReplyDelete
  10. As I read your post my heart kept sinking and sinking... until you came to the part about Elji... and then I felt so much better for you. Of course I still feel terrible about what has happened, but I feel you are in good hands. Even if you are never anything beyond friends, Allah sent you someone to ease your mind and heart.

    You are strong Jana... If I had been through even 1/4 of what you've been through I don't know if I could have done it. Stay strong, take control of your life and move on. Don't look back. You have a beautiful sweet family that loves you. And you have cyber friends that love you too.

    May Allah make it easy for you.

    J

    ReplyDelete
  11. Asalaam Alaikum,
    just found your blog. I hope everything works out...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Not being particularly religious I probably shouldn't comment, but I think God wants your life to be easy and not hard. "Man is that he might have joy" (and woman too).

    I don't know why you are being encouraged to "work this out" by your local clergy, but I think that this might be a case where a secular court (you're a U.S. citizen) ought to step in and amicably dissolve the marriage in a way which is fair to both parties. You have the right to be free again, and pursue happiness, but it's important to tie up the loose ends before acting on any new interests.

    You are a good person and I know that your religious faith means a lot to you. I will hope that everyone involved finds happiness.

    ReplyDelete
  13. As SALAAMU 'alaikum,

    I am sorry to hear again about the troubles you have been through. Perhaps we should talk more about this in private, in which case you do have my email address.

    I think you should deal with it,one problem at a time.

    The thing is that your husband is not around, and seems like he does not want to be around, and while it is true that Islam does not have a positive view of divorce ['the most hated lawful act in the sight of Allah' says one Hadeeth] it may be needed.

    We can talk more about it privately, but you do have Islamic grounds for a divorce.

    Then you can worry about this other issue that has come up.

    Keep up with praying, especially in this month, the last part of Ramadan, and Allah will make it easier for you, and bless you with something that is better for you, and remember that he is powerful over everything.

    wassalaam

    ReplyDelete
  14. thanks yishmael and sham. yish, in islam, divorce is definately permitted but its most disliked by Allah and to be taken seriously. thats why the imams keep telling me to work it out...but its a bit hard for to work it out with someone thats not even in the same area of the country. when oct arrives, it will be the 7th month since he left. now? he calls probably 20 times a day because he is really afraid. he knows he screwed up. ive been more than patient. and he didnt even deserve this patience.
    sham? i will write you. i know we've talked about it before. and my husband knew i talked to you about it. he said i was too quick to look for a divorce, this after he had already been gone for 3 o4 months. ive had enough. and even if i allowed him back, when would he pack his bags again?
    and what of our daughter? i told him how do you think SHE feels when you are a revolving door parent? when you leave me, you leave her too and she will be much more scarred by it in the long run. i dont want to put her through this again.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It annoys me when people say things like "I dont like what you've done" or "Zina of the heart" when speaking about someone elses personal issues. What business is it of theirs to like it or dislike it! None of anyones business whatsoever to make judgements on another person.

    Love (and life) doesnt work like people think, all neatly packaged and predictable. It creeps up on you and before you know it... ;)

    The both of you are wonderful people who love Allah in the end.

    Allah takes care of us through all of our trials. As one poster said above, you can divorce someone who has abandoned you. Frankly, I wouldn't even "request" from a sheikh, I'd demand.

    ReplyDelete
  16. jman, are you..........? someone i know well?

    ReplyDelete
  17. lol thanks for your support...means alot.

    ReplyDelete
  18. hey sis.. chatting with you on IF messages. you're in my duas. ok? Im going to try my best to help out Insha'allah.

    ReplyDelete
  19. thanks sis....you know i need it so badly...im a wuss

    ReplyDelete