oh wait, im not catholic anymore am i? no confessions to be given yeah?
i know i never speak much about myself. my most private and personal life, but i want to. now i want to. im not sure if its want or need. maybe need. yeah, either way...its not going to be pretty.
my husband, the one that i absolutely loved so very much, the one that we fought tooth and nail with immigration to get his visa from egypt to the u.s.a, packed every thing he owned on april 1st. while i was at work. he called and gave some lame excuses, he was going to go for a while, a few days. needed some time to think. now i work one hour from our home. i was panicking big time. i didnt understand. i called my mother, who was still living with us, and she said he was packing ALL of the suitcases. oh God i was so confused, worried and nervous. i couldnt concentrate on my work at all. the day progressed and we talked several times. he finally decided to wait for me and we would talk. i was able to calm down a bit then. but i still didnt understand anything. i was nearing the end of my shift when he called again. cursing at the top of his lungs. he had gotten angry with my teenaged son about something and decided that he was definately leaving!!!! i was so weak by this time, i just didnt have any fight in me anymore. i was on the phone with my mother. i could hear him in the background saying that his taxi was there, tell our daughter and my mother goodbye and the door close behind him. though i was in a super busy hospital, i was suddenly shrouded in total silence and completely alone. but i never told anyone that he was gone. my children , my mother and one of my sisters knew. but not one friend, not one co worker ever knew the difference. i kept it all to myself....until now.
deja vu.....
he had done the same thing two years earlier. packed his things and both times it was everything, and left while i was at work. but the first time, he didnt even tell me. i found out when i got home and our room was eerily empty. i was totally devastated. i was pregnant. i had no clue he was even thinking to leave. i couldnt eat, sleep, drink - the whole cliched thing. everything a depressed pregnant woman could be? i was. work was a nightmare. everyone there knew he left and i cried alot. i didnt want the baby anymore. i didnt hear from him for nearly 2 weeks.
he came to visit in december of that year. we went to the doctors office so that he could hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. he was really happy. it was dec 20th, 2005. i was excited as my long time doc turned on the ultrasound. my husband and i were excited and giddy. but i realized quickly that my doc's face had turned serious. i sat up quickly and shook my head, looking pleadingly at the doc. eyes locked together. my husband was still laughing and talking. he didnt realize yet that our baby was dead. i nearly fainted. my husband took stock of the situation and jumped up and grabbed me. i slumped against him crying and asking Allah why. the thoughts of my not wanting the baby flew through my head like wildfire. i had invited this. i invited death.... and he came.
it was christmas holidays and no one was scheduling any surgeries for that week. so i had to carry him for another week. they took him the monday following the christmas weekend.
my husband left the week after the new year holiday and didnt return again until june of that year. and this time? he has been gone for nearly 7 months. he bought a ticket to come home in may, but as i was leaving to go to the airport, he called to say he had "missed" his flight. i was absolutely crushed.
but this second time, i was more angry at his actions. i wasnt a crying pleading mess like i was the first time. i grew tired of his lies and excuses. he promised to be home for our daughters graduation from pre-k, 4th of july, summer vacation, first day of school, first day of ramadan. i gave up after that. i have heard all i want to hear and no longer believe much of anything he has to say. broken promise after broken promise. i have asked for talaq (islamic divorce) several times but he refuses. he honestly thinks he can stay gone and come back as he pleases. ive talked to a couple of imams who just tell me to try to work it out...yeah ok.
but now? he is realizing that i am fed up with him and his behaviour. he is sad and not doing well. oh well. his problem now.
by the time mid summer had gotten here, i had started to heal. i was laughing and feeling good again. actually i did pretty good before that since no one even suspected anything was wrong. i had a couple of bad days here and there but in general i held up pretty good.
then i set myself up for a fall. a big fall. a big dramatic fall thats straight from some weird movie.
i became close friends with someone. a guy. oh did we laugh alot. he made me forget that i had any problems. he has a wonderfully cynical, sarcastic sense of humor. there are very few people in this world that make me laugh. but he is definitely one of them. i soon found out that he was more than funny, he was sensitve and caring......listened to everything i said. listened and heard. and responded. he lifted me up. helped me to see the world in a better way. made life seem beautiful. and what did he want in return? nothing. he wanted to see me happy. he wanted me to be able to stand up and hold my head high. and he wanted me to understand Allah and all things about Islam.
he's a good muslim. he's smart. he's pakistani. and he's to marry another eventually.... and i am in love with him. yes i am. and he loves me too.
neither of us meant to do it. it wasn't forced, it was very natural and happened when neither of us were paying attention.
he loves like there is no tomorrow. so kind and considerate. always wants to make sure im ok. never asks for anything in return.
but of course he knows im still married and i know that one day he will go off to marry another. his parents will ensure this. i would never be the welcomed american bride. we have no secrets.
he is my best friend and more.
but we can never be. even if i was free from my husband, he is not. this may not seem like much of a problem to any of the readers here, but it is very hurtful. its painful to be married to a man who cares nothing for me yet wont let me go and to love a man who does love me but is obligated to marry a fellow pak to please his parents and family.
ive never found such peace with another human. ive never experienced such gentleness. he is the light that ive written about. our situation is the treachery that ive found in that light.
ive not been involved in anything like this before and its not always pleasant. sometimes i wish i had not gotten to know him. but at the same time i thank Allah for allowing me to know how a real man loves. what life can be like with someone that is genuinely loving and giving. he has taught me so much and i wish i could even give back a small percentage of what he's given me. but what i really wish is to have a little more time with him before he does go.
haram? plz no lectures. no speeches about zina. i know all of this and more........if i had my way, if he had his way.....we would marry. even if the rest of the world thought we were insane.........elji i would never leave you.
