what can i say?!!

i decided to write a thread on one of the sites for women only. i explained how i have been having a hard time connecting with muslimahs around me and asked for duaa to, inshallah, make muslim friends nearby. 12 ppl viewed....only one responded. lol. i deleted it because i felt foolish after writing it.

isolated as a muslimah

well. i have to say that there are times i feel like i am floundering alone as a muslim sister. there is a good amount of sisters in my area although small compared to other areas in the usa. but most of them are foreigners. and that is not a problem to me but as hard as i have tried i just cant seem to find a real friendship. the sisters at the masjid have a tendancy to flock together in accordance to their home country. they speak their languages to each other. they will speak to me from time to time and they will sit with me but eventually they will find a sister from their home country to sit with. they all know each others children and really look to each other as a sister in islam. sometimes, we will have nights to bring food and the sisters will all bring dishes but noone thought to tell me about the potluck dinner. i think i am the only revert there. the rest of the sisters are born muslims.

i am a friendly outgoing person and i have never had any problems making friends my entire life. i have always been a welcoming person. if i see someone new i will go out of my way to make them feel comfortable and i mean anywhere....neighbor, work, even the masjid when i see a sister looking lost.

i have joined a few websites for muslim women and i try to join in but i swear i rarely get any response. i try to fit and its not that i DONT fit, its just that noone makes an effort to pull me into their conversation even when i post. i have a forum myself. women only. and we have had members over the years join but leave eventually and i finally realized that they too werent "pulled into the conversation". when members have gotten to know each other and give each other salams and cyber hugs the newest member feels so left out no matter how hard she tries. so i encouraged my members to always welcome the new ppl!!

i guess its the same at the masjid. perhaps the ladies dont realize that while they are all hugging and kissing and playing with each others kids, there is some lost soul like me wishing i was part of that group.

am i whining? i hope not, inshallah. i do feel left out. i wish more than anything that i had good muslim friends around me. but for now i have my non muslim friends. they love me dearly and think im cool lol.

so why is it that i dont fit in with the muslimahs? i do belong to one site where i fit it. i dont know whats different about that one. its coed. but i love the muslimah sites so much and wish i had the rapport in those as i do in other areas!! i wonder if its me at time. perhaps i give off a bad vibe i dont know.

ok we are alone again

she is home. her home. my home is very quiet and i miss her. God bless her and give her ease in her last years.

i will take my mother home tomorrow

in the morning, i will meet my sister halfway. ill miss her alot. she is my mother after all. she is not hard to deal with at home, its just out in public that she gets out of hand. let me say that i wouldnt take her home just now but she is dying to get back to her home, her apartment, and i cant hold her here just yet. i cant help but wonder if i will suffer her fate when i get older. allahu alim.
i wonder, too, what will become of her in the coming days. her deterioration is quick. her own mother was relatively sane til her last day.

i looked at my mothers face and her hands and remembered her holding my children when they were babies. i tried to remember her face when she was still a working woman, having all of her faculties. i tried to remember how she looked when she would tell a story and laugh so hard but a good story not the same thing over and over as she does now. i thought even harder and tried to pull from my memory the face that i would see entering my school when she would bring cupcakes for my birthday. the face that stood over countless flower arrangements at her flower shop until she got it just right. the face that focused on her video games. she loved atari and nintendo. i still can see it although its faded.

her parents are dead, all of her sisters and brothers have passed except for one who is in his 90's now and was just put into a nursing home. i watched her in her room here as she listened to her old songs and gospel songs and saw the tears in her eyes. she told me that she is lonely and misses her mother. inshallah she will be with her again.

i was not always a good daughter but i hope that she will never hold this against me. i hope that she will have peace and comfort until her last day.

if this can happen, i wouldnt want another thing for myself.

death of a co worker

my manager at work had told me she would call me last tuesday to let me know something. she never did call and i didnt want to hound her so i just let it be. yesterday, friday, my husband and i were out running errands when my cell phone rang. it was my manager apologizing for not calling me earlier in the week.

well i had been off all week because my mother was visiting. my manager told me that one of the nurses that i work with had not been feeling well at work. her name....cindy. 47 years old. cute as a button. little blonde lady. most pleasant and always encouraging the insecure, frightened, new grad nurses. she went into cardiac arrest (at work), they coded her (cpr) got her to coronary care where she remained on life support for a day then died.

i was driving and nearly swerved off the road. my skin became clammy and my mouth dried out completely. my head pounded. i heard but didnt hear.

one of my coworkers you say? cindy?? you say she...is..DEAD? but i just saw her, just worked with her, she is MY AGE. how sad, sick and disbelieving i felt.

last time one of my coworkers died, i was actually her nurse...she was my patient. she was in her 30's, had a young teenaged daughter and her husband was a nurse too. she had crushed her foot, was diabetic and the surgeon had come in to debride (clean out surgically by clipping away dead tissue) her wound. a little while after this, she threw a blood clot, a dvt. there is just no saving a person when this happens. when we called code blue, her husband was just arriving to work on another floor but he knew her room number and knew it was her.

we worked long and frantically but we didnt save her. i cant write anymore without becoming emotional because its still fresh. even after 5 years. it was the hardest single thing ive experienced at work.

the death of a coworker. a nurse. another healthcare professional. savers of lives...dying.

im only happy that when cindy died, i was at home. i dont think i could have stood it.

why do diets make you want to eat the fridge?

so here i am. ive started a new diet. when i really put my mind to it i can lose weight. its not my favorite thing to do by any means because food is like an old friend to me. it doesnt kick you in the teeth when youre down. if youre lonely, its there for you. if youre sad, mad, happy, stupid. no matter what the emotion, its there to hold your hand!!!

think thats weird? maybe but thats how food is to a lifelong fatty!! yep thats me LLF. well the dealio is..ive gained 40 pounds in 2 years. the food at work (the hospital) is super fattening. they serve fried anything with loads of gravy. everything thats doesnt have gravy has cheese. then they add desert at the end. bread. sweet tea. thick fattening soups. nothing healthy at all.

then to make matters worse, i travel an hour each way so many times i whip through a drive through to grab either breakfast, supper or both!!

dear God. what a pig!!

anywho, i realized that all of my clothes were tight. fat roll hanging over the top of jeans. i cant stand it.

so i decided that i would really make a new years resolution and lose weight. i dont usually bother with resolutions cause they arent usually kept anyway. but its now or never. im getting older and dont want to be an old fat woman.

oh ill never be skinny. but i dont want rolls hanging over my waistbands. i dont want to round a corner and ppl see my stomach before they see my face!!

so ive been dieting. i eat healthy. snacking is my downfall so i have low fat, low sugar, low carb snacks.

so what is it about dieting that makes you want to eat everything you see and more? psychological i know! im trying to ignore that little voice in my head saying go ahead. get that burger.

gotta get rid of the fat roll. thats my new motto!! gonna get a bumpersticker with that on it!!!

siggghhhhhhhh

well i have to say that it hasnt been as hard as i thought it would be. she still has good sense for the most part. i can leave her alone for a little while if i need to run errands but i never stay away too long. my sister is the only one of my mothers 7 children that lives in our hometown with my mother. she goes to my mothers house daily to make sure her meds are set out, that food is not spoiled in the refrigerator, clothes are washed, etc. my poor sis is tired so im trying to get my mother to stay as long as she will but i know soon she will be homesick for her apartment and ill have to take her. but at least my sis is getting a small vacation.

we took her our to lunch today and she kept telling the waiters jokes. telling jokes. that in itself is ok but she would yell at them from across the restaurant to come back so that she could tell another. i kept reminding her that they were busy. and they were trying to be patient , but, well.........

then, we found a pencil on the window sill. my husband said he would keep it since he likes to sketch with pencils. my mother told him to hand her the pencil and she would keep it in her purse for him and give it to him when we get home. he handed it to her. she put it in her purse. then she looked at me and said "THERE!" and she SHOT ME A BIRD!!!!!!!!! i was stunned and shocked. my mother, in her right mind, would have been mortified at doing such a thing. i have NEVER seen her do that before. i just sighhhhhheeeedddd. what else could i do.

her mind comes and goes. its not as bad as i thought. but i dont see how she can go on living alone. she cant remember which pills she has taken or how many. this is the most dangerous part. no no i take that back. the most dangerous part is the fact that she still has a truck and the damned keys to it and drives all over the place!!! its time for her to stop driving. she wanted to take my car to the dept store but i made up some pitiful excuse about the car not working properly! she would get hit immediately here where i live not to mention that she would get lost trying to find her way around.

but she is my mom and i try to over look the confusion and off color jokes to the general public. i know they get uneasy though.

example of joke she told waiter. she asked another waiter to give her a bag. she called the waiter over (again) and said." put your hand in this bag". he did. when he put his hand in the bag she hand the bag tightly around his wrist. he tried to pull his hand out of the bag but each time he did she held on a little tighter. he said, "what are you doing?" PUNCHLINE...........i knew that if i ever got you in the sack you wouldnt know what to do". my husband laughed, i turned red, my 18 year old son nearly died of embarrasment ( he works there lol).

but we will make it through this!!! she doesnt have much longer on this earth and at least she is here even though her mind is not the best. my husbands mother passed away a few months ago so he reminds me that i still have her and to love her dearly!!

shes here now

i drove about 9 hours today. 4.5 hours there and the same on the way back.

she is much more frail and weak than the last time i saw her. pale. house was messy. she has never been organized but it was really messy now.

she couldnt remember where her clothes were. wasnt sure what drawer her panties were in.

but we got her clothes, her meds and her packed and we drove home. she told me the same stories over and over again in the car, but its ok. i know she cant help it.

shes been to atlanta a million times, but was never sure exactly where we were. when we got home, she didnt remember having ever been to our home before (we moved a couple of years ago but she has been here). and could not make it up the stairs to our home without my son scooping her up.

when a parent loses his mental capabilities, its a loss much akin to death. the person you knew all of your life is gone forever.

Allah help me to help her. to be patient. forgive me for my inadequacies.

going to get my mother

my mother. she will be 84 in may. she had me when she was nearly 40 years old. yeah im the youngest of 7.

saturday ill go to my hometown to pick her up.

my father died when i was 10. i remember him sure but its my mother that i remember for everything.

she worked hard to keep me going. my other brothers and sisters had moved on. alot older than me. had married and had real careers when i was a kid.

my mother sent me to college. she came to me no matter what. even when i was mean to her or was impatient with her. i was her youngest and i took her for granted sometimes because i was a spoiled crappy kid.

she never remarried. she worked until just a few years ago at her flower shop. i wish you could see some of the things she made. shes damned awesome. i used to get mad at her for making me work in her flower shop during the busy holidays. but she needed help and i didnt realize at the time that i was talented.

i took a job as a teenager and even fresh out of college, and i didnt contribute a penny to her. i let her keep working while i had fun, bought new clothes and drove her car.

i married an abusive man. had children. when i called she came.

i wished i never married. i wished, then, that i stayed home with my mother.

i regretted not taking care of her after i started working but by then it was too late. i was divorced. a single mother. and, even on a nurses salary, could barely keep our heads above water.

she was so healthy. never had any problems. until a few years ago. high blood pressure. a minor stroke, small tia's. diabetes.

now?

she cant remember what she told you 5 mins ago. she cant remember what day it is. no she doesnt have alzheimers. she is old and the stroke and tia's have affected her thinking. she is frail and thin. she is old.

but when she laughs, i can see my mother. its the same laugh that i heard all of my laugh.

a shadow of my mother will be here in a few days.

i love her so much. God help her.

talking to the air

i havent been around. not to my own blog anyway. ive been reading about the lives of others. i have read blogs that have made my heart heavy. heavy because i understand them. well not completely but about 80%.
i have been reading blogs mainly about women involved in polygamous marriages. many of them not really choosing this life but forced into it by their dear husbands.

i have studied islam for several years and finally said shahada this past may. let me say that i fought islam for a long time. it made sense to me and at the same time it didnt. i couldnt let go of my christian ideals, even though i wasnt the most religious person in the world. some of the things in the Qu'ran just COULD NOT BE.

perhaps over the past year and a half, i began to think like a muslim without even realizing that i was thinking like a muslim lol.

then one day, i realized that i believed. but one of the things that i had a problem with is the 4 wives. polygamy. i understood why it was allowed, at the time! but i see no point in it this day and age. oh yeah there are some women who want it and i say more power to you. but a man taking another wive at the expense of the sanity of his first wife is unfathomable to me.

not to mention the children from the first marriage. how the hell do you go from full time dad to, "well son ill see you on YOUR day".

my husband used to tell me that i couldnt pick and choose what i want to accept in islam and i realize that. but i am not one that can handle another woman in my husbands life. that part, i told him, is MY right.

i had kinda settled down about the polygamy thing until i started reading the blogs. the suffering of some of these women is....is....i dont even know what word is good enough.

but what i do know, this kind of situation is not good in the eyes of Allah. He did not mean for a man to break the hearts of his wives by taking other wives. that was not the intention. and we know intention means everything.

my husband always says he has no desire for another wife. but how many times has a man said this and went right on to pick another wife.

all i can say is, for the women who are happy and stable in a polygamous marriage...alhamdulillah. mabruk. im happy that youre happy and that you found a decent man who knew how to make it work.

to the ladies whose posts ive been reading. here is a collective heartfelt hats off to all of you. because i feel your suffering.

inshallah you will have the best rewards in jannah.