i will take my mother home tomorrow

in the morning, i will meet my sister halfway. ill miss her alot. she is my mother after all. she is not hard to deal with at home, its just out in public that she gets out of hand. let me say that i wouldnt take her home just now but she is dying to get back to her home, her apartment, and i cant hold her here just yet. i cant help but wonder if i will suffer her fate when i get older. allahu alim.
i wonder, too, what will become of her in the coming days. her deterioration is quick. her own mother was relatively sane til her last day.

i looked at my mothers face and her hands and remembered her holding my children when they were babies. i tried to remember her face when she was still a working woman, having all of her faculties. i tried to remember how she looked when she would tell a story and laugh so hard but a good story not the same thing over and over as she does now. i thought even harder and tried to pull from my memory the face that i would see entering my school when she would bring cupcakes for my birthday. the face that stood over countless flower arrangements at her flower shop until she got it just right. the face that focused on her video games. she loved atari and nintendo. i still can see it although its faded.

her parents are dead, all of her sisters and brothers have passed except for one who is in his 90's now and was just put into a nursing home. i watched her in her room here as she listened to her old songs and gospel songs and saw the tears in her eyes. she told me that she is lonely and misses her mother. inshallah she will be with her again.

i was not always a good daughter but i hope that she will never hold this against me. i hope that she will have peace and comfort until her last day.

if this can happen, i wouldnt want another thing for myself.

going to get my mother

my mother. she will be 84 in may. she had me when she was nearly 40 years old. yeah im the youngest of 7.

saturday ill go to my hometown to pick her up.

my father died when i was 10. i remember him sure but its my mother that i remember for everything.

she worked hard to keep me going. my other brothers and sisters had moved on. alot older than me. had married and had real careers when i was a kid.

my mother sent me to college. she came to me no matter what. even when i was mean to her or was impatient with her. i was her youngest and i took her for granted sometimes because i was a spoiled crappy kid.

she never remarried. she worked until just a few years ago at her flower shop. i wish you could see some of the things she made. shes damned awesome. i used to get mad at her for making me work in her flower shop during the busy holidays. but she needed help and i didnt realize at the time that i was talented.

i took a job as a teenager and even fresh out of college, and i didnt contribute a penny to her. i let her keep working while i had fun, bought new clothes and drove her car.

i married an abusive man. had children. when i called she came.

i wished i never married. i wished, then, that i stayed home with my mother.

i regretted not taking care of her after i started working but by then it was too late. i was divorced. a single mother. and, even on a nurses salary, could barely keep our heads above water.

she was so healthy. never had any problems. until a few years ago. high blood pressure. a minor stroke, small tia's. diabetes.

now?

she cant remember what she told you 5 mins ago. she cant remember what day it is. no she doesnt have alzheimers. she is old and the stroke and tia's have affected her thinking. she is frail and thin. she is old.

but when she laughs, i can see my mother. its the same laugh that i heard all of my laugh.

a shadow of my mother will be here in a few days.

i love her so much. God help her.