a new place!

good morning people of the world!

ive started a tiny private area for bloggers.

for more information youll have to head over to my other blog

http://solomuslimah.blogspot.com/

to get the info!!!

thanks and have a wonderful day....or at least try.

warm welcome to september

many of you have known me for a few years and know well that i love the autumn months!! best season of the year. no its not officially autumn yet, but it is september and its good enough for me. it has actually been cool in the mornings for the past few days, enough to have to put a light jacket on my youngest daughter as i ship her off to school.!!

soon ill bring my autumn colored decorations out and make my home just festive!!! you would be surprised to know how those colors and familiar things make me exceedingly happy.

ahhh welcome september!! what memories you bring to me.

.....God willing, happy new memories will form to be remembered later!!

welcome swine flu!! oops i mean H1N1

so i went to nursing office to pick up my check. how nice! they were waiting outside to greet me with check in hand.

i walked up the stairs and they stood waiting.

we have to tell you that youve been exposed to the swine flu at work.

what? who? where?

we cant answer that, just know that someone at work (could be a patient or employee) was diagnosed with H1N1 and i was there at the same time.

they handed the check to my daughter (yep not even to me) and i left puzzled. well not puzzled but thinking hard as where..who....when....no answers.

if i have symptoms, i must report to health department.

i just pray it never gets that far as the CDC (centers for disease control in atlanta) predicts a huge surge in infected people and deaths this year.

well i look at it this way, i get exposed to everything anyway by being a nurse but we are also exposed to everything anyway standing in line at walmart! you just dont know.

but it does make me a bit nervous. cant lie.

my mum..and no shoulder to rest my head.

i wish i could go home and rest my weary head on my moms shoulder in her living room.

i talked to her yesterday and she sounded wonderful.

for long term readers, you know she was losing her mind a bit due to senility and came to live with me over a year ago, but my sister was just itching to have her in a nursing home close to her. well thats where she is and has been for almost a year now. or maybe it has been a year.

i asked her if all of her children keep in touch with her and does my sister still come often and she said no..only one sister keeps in touch with her. my oldest sister june.

great! they couldnt rest til she was in the nursing home and now they dont check on her...how many times ive seen that same situation while i have worked in nursing homes.

anywho

i miss her. the old her that will never return. im grateful that she is still alive and that she sounds good.

sometimes i think to move back to my hometown and take a job so that i can be near her, or that she can come and live with me.

my whole life ive had her to depend on, to listen to me when im sad, down, angry, whatever. i could go to her house and take a rest from the world. just sit with her for a few days. sleep in her bed, eat her homecooked meals.

i feel angry though.

i feel angry at my ex husband for disappearing and then when i finally let it go, he is remorseful and asks constantly to forgive him and let him return. my family tells me to let him come back

i havent forgotten our circumstances though. i havent forgotten the twice sudden departures with all belongings packed while i was out of town working.

i havent forgotten everything that led to those departures. ive not forgotten the constant insults that i endured, thinking i was crap for a wife when the whole time he was crap...astaghfirullah.

i feel anger toward elji for knowing how i had suffered through events that no one should have to suffer and then leaving me to suffer worse.

i feel anger toward his family for making up lies about me to make me look like the bride of satan, for totally ruining my reputation for all those around.

i feel anger toward my children for not pulling their weight financially.

i feel anger toward me for still sitting in the same spot for years to take care of them, making no plans for myself just so they could be happy. in the meantime, i raised selfish children. theyre not totally selfish but they damned can be.

i want to pack my bags, grab my purse and keys and drive away. i want to go to my mum's house and listen to her jazzy music pouring from her old fashioned record player. i want to eat her food and dig through her fridge, i want to sleep in her cool bed with her big pillows, i want to take a shower in her bathroom that smells like dove soap. i want to sit beside her on her soft couch and hold her hand and listen to her talk.

i want...

what do people possibly want?

you know, i really hate making immature viewpoint private. there is really nothing exciting in here at all yet i have visitors from time to time that come to find "evidence" im sure. Elji's hometown is relatively small so to have the "coincidental" visitor from that place - well, lets just say i'd prefer they keep their nose out of my blog.

thats the beauty of feedjit...you see who's entering your blog.

i wont keep this place private forever. i dont like it that way. my thoughts on that subject is if youre going to have a blog on the world wide web then you should expect a certain amount of unwanted company. just that particular company is company i would prefer never darken any door of mine.

when i go private, many readers dont know how to get in touch with me and a couple do know how to get in touch with me and write me thinking ive blocked them specifically. i dont like hurt feelings at all.

but what do the unwanted intruders want? information? proof? dirt? secrets? or just to figure out who i am perhaps.

how much easier it would have been had they taken the time to talk to me personally instead of lying and ruining my reputation.

anyway thanks for your patience and loyalty.

irish eyes are weeping....

actually the world is most likely weeping at the loss of such a prolific writer as Frank McCourt who died today in NYC.

there are very few books that capture my devotion anymore, very few stories that ingrain themselves into my heart, very few lives that forever remain in my memory and reduce me to heartache for the sadness endured...then the victories to come.

and no one, other than Mr McCourt, did i ever call my "favorite" author.

from the very second that i opened the first book that i read from mr McCourt, i was forever a fan of this man that passed through so many trials and poverty beginning in brooklyn then back to Ireland until he finally reached his destiny as a teacher in America.

how many tears did i shed while reading his book, "Angelas Ashes" and so i did today when i read of his death....such a talent.

i had tucked in the back of my brain somewhere the hope to meet him one day...one day....one day is gone now but his words live on dont they?

though i dont drink..here's a pint to ya Mr McCourt!

oh my gosh i took the wrong bus didnt i??

huge huge mistake i made!! and you know what happens when you take the wrong bus? you get on the next bus and the next bus trying to get back to the correct spot!!!!

the life bus.

i realized today that some years ago i got on the wrong bus because i wasnt looking and ive since been trying to find the right one to find my way.

i was awakened a couple of months ago by several people pointing out how old i am. well of course i know how old i am....i know my age...but it just hit me today how OLD i am. ive spent most of my adult life chasing others dreams, making others happy and not making myself happy.

i had my own dreams and i put them up on a shelf so high that ive not reached them since...must have thrown that step ladder away.

now? now all of these freaking years have passed and im no further into my own dreams than i was back in my wonderful days in the university when i was still naive and unjaded!

i always put others first and let them have their dreams......and now half my life has passed and im stuck with my feet in the quicksand.

but ill be damned if ill continue being stuck...who knows what i have left of life? well, Allahu alim..but on earth, who knows? i may have 10 years, 30 years or 5 minutes.

im content being a muslim, but ive never been content living in usa.....ive had a dream of living in my great grandparents land since i was a small child with every intention of doing just that. and inshallah i can still live that dream out.

i just get ill thinking of all the years that have passed while i was running blindly behind that bus. i could CRY for that person.. just cry for her..but i wont. ill pick her up and walk forward with her.

forget that stupid bus!!!

i wanna go home.

i want to go home but the problem is i dont know where home is anymore. home is where the heart is? where is my heart? if i can find that, i think i can find home. i wish i could go to my mom's house, but there is no more mom's house. moms's house is the nursing home.

my children are moving away...kylee is where my heart is at the moment.....and part of it is with elji.

the problem is, i just cant find any familiarity anywhere. perhaps you may think im a needy person, and perhaps i AM a needy person but you know, thats really ok. takes all kinds to make the world go round, yeah?

maybe ill never find home here on earth...inshallah jannah can be my home one day.