Sunday, August 9, 2009

my mum..and no shoulder to rest my head.

i wish i could go home and rest my weary head on my moms shoulder in her living room.

i talked to her yesterday and she sounded wonderful.

for long term readers, you know she was losing her mind a bit due to senility and came to live with me over a year ago, but my sister was just itching to have her in a nursing home close to her. well thats where she is and has been for almost a year now. or maybe it has been a year.

i asked her if all of her children keep in touch with her and does my sister still come often and she said no..only one sister keeps in touch with her. my oldest sister june.

great! they couldnt rest til she was in the nursing home and now they dont check on many times ive seen that same situation while i have worked in nursing homes.


i miss her. the old her that will never return. im grateful that she is still alive and that she sounds good.

sometimes i think to move back to my hometown and take a job so that i can be near her, or that she can come and live with me.

my whole life ive had her to depend on, to listen to me when im sad, down, angry, whatever. i could go to her house and take a rest from the world. just sit with her for a few days. sleep in her bed, eat her homecooked meals.

i feel angry though.

i feel angry at my ex husband for disappearing and then when i finally let it go, he is remorseful and asks constantly to forgive him and let him return. my family tells me to let him come back

i havent forgotten our circumstances though. i havent forgotten the twice sudden departures with all belongings packed while i was out of town working.

i havent forgotten everything that led to those departures. ive not forgotten the constant insults that i endured, thinking i was crap for a wife when the whole time he was crap...astaghfirullah.

i feel anger toward elji for knowing how i had suffered through events that no one should have to suffer and then leaving me to suffer worse.

i feel anger toward his family for making up lies about me to make me look like the bride of satan, for totally ruining my reputation for all those around.

i feel anger toward my children for not pulling their weight financially.

i feel anger toward me for still sitting in the same spot for years to take care of them, making no plans for myself just so they could be happy. in the meantime, i raised selfish children. theyre not totally selfish but they damned can be.

i want to pack my bags, grab my purse and keys and drive away. i want to go to my mum's house and listen to her jazzy music pouring from her old fashioned record player. i want to eat her food and dig through her fridge, i want to sleep in her cool bed with her big pillows, i want to take a shower in her bathroom that smells like dove soap. i want to sit beside her on her soft couch and hold her hand and listen to her talk.

i want...


  1. salam sweetie, hope you are okay, there is nothing like being close to your mum to make all your troubles go away, mum's food is always the best and so comforting, I miss everything about being in my mums house. I can totally understand how you feel, guess what I am at my mums now, and i feel so free. I have taken my hijaab off and my hair is breathing again.

  2. are you queen???? gosh i know that you do feel free!! anywhere away from you knew where will make you feel free im sure.
    but youre right, nothing like mums.. i just wish my mum still was herself and in her home..i miss her so much. i did talk to her and was so happy to hear her voice..i will take a trip soon to visit her inshallah.

    have fun and relax all you can at your mums!

  3. Salaamu Alaikum Jana,
    *ehugs* I hate the hardships that you are going through, since they are so personal and are the kind that can really tear a person down. Try your best to hold your head and spirits high. I know how you feel, i miss my mother like crazy. I only get to see her once a year or so and it hurts so bad. We depend on our mommy's no matter how old we or they are.

  4. thanks AM...ill take all the ehugs i can get..much appreciated!

  5. hun i hold you to what you said inshallah, when you come to uk i want to meet you, im not looking for a life time commitment of friendships, just as we are, the relationship that we have.... to me that is beautiful, i dont want you to feel that if you meet me then you have to email me everyday or chat, no i like it this way....just being there for one another.

  6. eHugs hun. I AM SO SORRY. I wish I could just hug you and kick your children's butt and your ex too. Actually I am not a violent person when it comes to my beef but it seems that when I get angry when injustice is done on other people I get all rallied up ready to kick ass that hasn't done anything to me and is oblivious to my fury.

    Kick your head up Ramadan is ALMOST ALMOST upon us and with Ramadan comes awesomeness, forgiveness, last 10 days and laylatul qadr! Don't waste your time on these losers your perfect spouse is waiting for you in JANNNAH! so focus on getting there and that goes for me too.

    @ Queen, you are cheating on me already? AND with similar lines!! I thought I was special *tear*

    @ Jana sorry for making a scene.

  7. Sorry Tuttie, i met Jana before you, and i love her too, those arent lines that is just the way that i speak to people I really like!
    lol! Sorry jana to use ur space like this!