i wish i could go home and rest my weary head on my moms shoulder in her living room.
i talked to her yesterday and she sounded wonderful.
for long term readers, you know she was losing her mind a bit due to senility and came to live with me over a year ago, but my sister was just itching to have her in a nursing home close to her. well thats where she is and has been for almost a year now. or maybe it has been a year.
i asked her if all of her children keep in touch with her and does my sister still come often and she said no..only one sister keeps in touch with her. my oldest sister june.
great! they couldnt rest til she was in the nursing home and now they dont check on her...how many times ive seen that same situation while i have worked in nursing homes.
i miss her. the old her that will never return. im grateful that she is still alive and that she sounds good.
sometimes i think to move back to my hometown and take a job so that i can be near her, or that she can come and live with me.
my whole life ive had her to depend on, to listen to me when im sad, down, angry, whatever. i could go to her house and take a rest from the world. just sit with her for a few days. sleep in her bed, eat her homecooked meals.
i feel angry though.
i feel angry at my ex husband for disappearing and then when i finally let it go, he is remorseful and asks constantly to forgive him and let him return. my family tells me to let him come back
i havent forgotten our circumstances though. i havent forgotten the twice sudden departures with all belongings packed while i was out of town working.
i havent forgotten everything that led to those departures. ive not forgotten the constant insults that i endured, thinking i was crap for a wife when the whole time he was crap...astaghfirullah.
i feel anger toward elji for knowing how i had suffered through events that no one should have to suffer and then leaving me to suffer worse.
i feel anger toward his family for making up lies about me to make me look like the bride of satan, for totally ruining my reputation for all those around.
i feel anger toward my children for not pulling their weight financially.
i feel anger toward me for still sitting in the same spot for years to take care of them, making no plans for myself just so they could be happy. in the meantime, i raised selfish children. theyre not totally selfish but they damned can be.
i want to pack my bags, grab my purse and keys and drive away. i want to go to my mum's house and listen to her jazzy music pouring from her old fashioned record player. i want to eat her food and dig through her fridge, i want to sleep in her cool bed with her big pillows, i want to take a shower in her bathroom that smells like dove soap. i want to sit beside her on her soft couch and hold her hand and listen to her talk.
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