Sunday, January 11, 2009

why, why, why, why?

why cant my ex husband just leave me alone? WHY?

he cant seem to accept that its finished and over. he doesnt call as often...alhamdulillah for that. but when he does call i have to end up hanging up the phone.

he is newly diagnosed with hypertension (high blood pressure) which im sorry for. his mother had a two of strokes and died a couple of years afterwards.

after i told him the islamic divorce was final and that i needed an address to mail him a copy, i didnt hear from him for 3 days. when he called me after these 3 days, he told me that he had been hospitalized for his blood pressure. he insinuated that my news of divorce did this to him.

he broke one of his teeth down to the gum and needs oral surgery and developed a sty.

all of this after the news of the divorce.

i remind him that he brought this divorce on himself. he realizes that, but he is lost i guess.

he cant find a job.

feels he has no one.

the last straw today for me is hearing him say that God is forgiving, why cant i be? i said yes God is forgiving and give me some time and i will be too. just a bit too fresh right now.

it took me a minute, but the realization finally struck....wait! you want me to be forgiving and what? take you back?

yes, take him back. thats what all of this phone call was about. to forgive him and take him back. his life is so bad and nothing is going right for him.

well my life's not exactly a bed of roses. im still trying to recover from the financial disaster you've left me. im on the verge of losing my home any day now. im still receiving your bills and having to answer the phone calls from your creditors. we go without an awful lot because of the condition you left us in.

but i didnt say any of that...its been said before the divorce. i dont want to keep re-hashing it.

but i did say to him that there will be no going back. i dont feel love for him. i care about him and his welfare. i dont wish him any ill will and thats the truth.

i reminded him again that we are islamically divorced and i would never return to him anyway. i also reminded him that i will obtain a civil divorce to complete the entire process....more money spent from my pocket unfortunately.

this is when he started yelling, ranting, raving...he has nothing here. he doesnt care. he cares about nothing. he doesnt care if he has a job, has a place to live.

i told him to please calm down. i dont want to continue to live through this stress. i was feeling so good after signing the papers. i dont want to have to keep listening to this crap. i told him to go to the mosque. talk to someone there that can help him find a job, find a more permanent place to live or just to help him go back to egypt.

he shouted that he is NOT going to beg for help. so i told him to return to the woman that he left me for then. perhaps she will be willing to help him. he started shouting more...he never wants to see her again.

i couldnt say anything over his shouts. i just hung up.

when do i get permanent closure from this marriage? he makes my nerves get so bad. im sorry for his situation honestly, but i just want to move on.

8 comments:

  1. Asalamu Alaikum Jana

    Sounds like no fun at all. After my sister divorced she had issues with her ex like this too. Now she just lets the kids talk to him and does not deal with it.

    If you really need a break change your phone number and wait a couple of weeks to give him the new number.

    You are in my Duas.

    ReplyDelete
  2. asalaam alaikum Jana,

    I know it's easy to get sucked into the conversation that he wants to have. Easier said than done but if the conversation doesn't have to do with "business" that you have together or your child, then you simply don't have to listen to him.

    He's not your husband anymore and you don't need to listen to him go on about his life. He needs to take care of that himself. Hang up and go on with your day. You have enough stress, don't add his onto it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. thanks for writing ladies. no jamilah its not fun at all. he makes me so stressed honestly. just the pressure.

    miss a...i remind him constantly that he is NOT my husband anymore. he wants to renew nikkah. and i said hell no no no never. you know, he is making me have chest pain i swear. he is already txting me to hell and back this morning to let him try again. saying he cant live without me and our daughter.

    ya Allah.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aslamu alakum sister
    i am sorry you are going through all this stress and pain, heart ache and hardship. SubhanAllah Allah test us all in different ways, now the D is final he is no longer mahram to you and a clean break from him is what is good. He becomes like any other non mahram guy and there for sins can be incured. He is grieving his loss sounds like he is hurt, sounds to me like you still have some emotions there to but it does take time getting over D esp if you loved each other in the first place. Take it one day at a time , one problem at a time and move on slowly , dua will be your best aid and i will remeber you in mine to .

    ReplyDelete
  5. thank you so much for your kind words and for remembering me in your own dua. due is definatly my best aid.
    i asked him yesterday if the divorce papers that are signed by me, the imam and two witnesses mean nothing to him at all. he said yes it does. i reminded him of the same thing that you just said...HE IS NON MAHRAM NOW!! it seems that he forgets that.

    ReplyDelete
  6. thank you so much for your kind words and for remembering me in your own dua. due is definatly my best aid.
    i asked him yesterday if the divorce papers that are signed by me, the imam and two witnesses mean nothing to him at all. he said yes it does. i reminded him of the same thing that you just said...HE IS NON MAHRAM NOW!! it seems that he forgets that.

    ReplyDelete
  7. He sounds like an idiot. It's probably best to just ignore his calls for a while (caller ID rocks) if he's treating you this way. You deserve to be treated better! He only cares about himself, not you.

    As for the legal divorce, you might call up legal aid. They may either help you with the papers, or there may be a group thing that helps you fill out the papers.

    Some states also have a form where you say you're indigent and it waives the filing fee. I've had to do that.

    Hugs!

    Anisah

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jana what a jerk, he made his bed, now let the beaut lie in it, he cannot have his cake and eat it, don't let his crocidile tears fool you for one second, becoa if u take him back, history has an uncanny way of repeating itself.
    You deserve so much better than that, u deserve a man who is caring, kind, compassionate, and a good sense of what honesty and dignity represents, afraid he does not fit the profile. You are over him, don't let him play mind games with you.
    He is selfish to the core, he left you and his child with no money, as far as I am concerned he is just not worth the heartache he caused you.
    Sorry so harsh, but you deserve better
    BTW sent you email in cozy

    ReplyDelete