Sunday, October 12, 2008

what has happened to jana?

this week alone has been just that for me. i can suffer through many kinds of emotions, i can feel down and depressed and im usually pretty good at being able to hold on to the rope. able to keep my head above water. but this time i feel like i have anchors tied to my ankles.

i had already found a way to save myself after elji left for pk. that in itself was hard enough knowing what the outcome of that could have been. i always turn to Allah but this time i covered myself in Him. i was able to find some resolution for that situation. though i missed and still do miss elji, i tried to keep my wits about me and not lose sight of reality.

also, i was praying hard for so many things and i actually saw a couple of them granted this week. which was totally awesome because i found myself totally consumed with prayer. tearful, feverish prayer.i used to be afraid to ask Allah for personal things, for fear of being selfish. but Elji is the one who taught me how to pray more effectively and to not be afraid to ask for things for myself. it was hard to do but i did it. i dont mean silly, foolish things. no not ever that.

then the worst...that time of the month. and i had to stop praying. i dont know about others but i feel left out and left behind when i cant pray the five prayers.

then the absent husband. the absent husband that is actively driving me insane. calling more and more. if i dont answer my cell phone, he calls each and every one of my children's cell phones, the land phone until someone answers. "where is your mom??!!" and God forbid no one answers at all. then i get the voice messages. the messages with the shouting egyptian demanding to know where i am.

the shouting egyptian. thats not new. ive grown used to that over the past year or so. the shouting egyptian telling me to bang my head against the wall. the shouting egyptian telling me that IF i was a good wife, i would stand still until he tells me to move. ya allah. i guess i wasnt a good wife. seems i never was.

now he is trying to buy me back. he sent me a new diamond ring. he kept telling me to pick one out and i kept asking him why i would do that since i didnt want to stay married plus i was content with my little solitaire. so now i have it. and its on my finger. and its gorgeous. but i dont think i can keep it. everytime i look at it i feel a little disgusted for it even being there. this is a picture of it. not sure what ill do with that. now he is telling me to get a new cell phone. i have a blackjack that i have no problem with but he wants me to get the newest and the best. i dont want the newest and the best. but as i said he wants to buy me and own me. to own me. he sent a text message to me telling me that i am HIS wife. and i will never be anyone else's. THAT used to be true. i was so completely faithful and adored him. i adored him so much that i was blind as hell. i was blind to what was headed my way. i knew but i didnt want to know. i was content being mrs w.m.a.a.z. now i get irritated just hearing his voice at times.

then yesterday and today. a blast from the past. before i knew my husband, well i was in a situation that ended miserably. lol story of my life wow!! im seeing a pattern here. the second person from that misery contacted me after all this time. which invoked horribly painful memories that i had buried so so very deep. this person wanted to apologize. which was nice. but that apology would have been a bit more helpful all those years ago. but it seems that this person has not been able to live or grow since that time of misery. theyve lived a quiet and sad life because of the our situation and in some ways, i have only moved on superficially. burying a problem is not the same as getting over a problem and today was just total raw emotion like i havent, even felt with my husband. it nearly brought me down completely today. i talked to this person for 4 long, painful hours. i wish i could share that story, but a very very few in this world know this story for a couple of reasons. i dont want to talk about it and it causes too much pain to even discuss it. my husband knows it. as a matter of fact, it was this problem and trauma that brought my husband and me together. he wanted to make things better for me . oh loool. yes yes yes he did a fantastic freaking job.

actually he did for a long time. but that was because i was still blind to my husbands lies and shortcomings.

i feel like everytime i get above the water for air, i dip again. something keeps pulling me under. oh please dont think that i am giving up. im just weak and tired from struggling to keep afloat. i feel snappy and mean around people including my family. im not doing my housework properly. i dont care if i go to work but i do of course. when does my peace arrive?


  1. lol your hopefully-to-be-ex is a jerk.

    he sounds so emotional. he seems like he PMSes more than a PMSing woman.

    insha'allah i hope everything goes easy for you. try not to take that guy seriously. hes just a jerk.

    he's obviously the worst husband. dont listen to him. its always the wives that seem to take the crap from the crappy husbands.

    whatever you do, dont fall for his umm 'shoutings' and 'diamond rings' :S seems weird lol.. that he shouts and sends you expensive stuff.

    but that is AWESOME that your duas were accepted. masha'allah!!! :D

    stay strong sis, you always are.

  2. "as a matter of fact, it was this problem and trauma that brought my husband and me together. he wanted to make things better for me"----wasn't it a traumatic experience that brought you and eli together also? I see a pattern here. A pattern of dependency. I am like this myself, even though I pray hard when I am hurt I still turn to others to comfort me. I think for a future reference if you experience trauma you should firt work on yourself because honestly you can not love another(in a good positive way) if you do not first love yourself.

  3. theres an ayah in the Quran that says "after every hardship, there is ease". thats a promise from Allah. and Allah is always with those who are patient. i forgot to add that. keep your head up sis. things will get better. :)

  4. kayak, i know this ayah well. i just wish i had the presence of mind to remember it all the time. i think thatll be my remind myself of the ease that is to come inshallah. youre always always there for me no matter what sis.

    umabdur-rahman, you are right. i am dependent. i always have been but to much lesser degree these past few years. i do depend on elji and he knows that too. you know, we didnt meet at the beginning of my separation from my husband. my husband and i had actually been apart for a few months and i was already used to being this way. but he sensed that something wasnt right with me.

    one thing ive tried to do is to rely on Allah more than any human. i strive for this daily. hard to give up old habits.

    ive cried more this past month than i have in years. since that "painful situation" that i mentioned already.

    i have burst a vessel in my eye twice from being a whining cry baby.

  5. Hang in there Jana
    Allah will not let you down.
    He hears and sees all.

    Hang in there sis, For ALLAH hears your prayers and can see your tears...Never stop asking ALLAH for what you want, for he alone can grant it ---- it is never selfish to turn to ALLAH for we are his servants.

    Truely after hardship comes ease:)
    Your sister in Islam -Amina

  6. then yesterday and today. a blast from the past.

    Here is what's helped in my case...

    1. (most important) ask this person never to call you again.

    2. Whenever you think about this person, cut it off immediately.

    3. Go to a psychiatrist or neurologist and beg a valium prescription. Take 3 times whatever he prescribes, but don't refill the bottle.

    4. Stay the hell away from films like Dr. Zhivago, Bridges of Madison County, etc. Sadly: This will have to be a lifelong ban.

    5. Repeat the mantra: "I'm better off" countless times.

    6. When all else fails, listen to Skinny Puppy's _Rabies_ album. The music was meant to be played loud so turn it up.


  7. ahhh yish you made me smile! thanks. i needed that.

    most important qs? do i get to keep the ring? lol


    I AM.

  8. Dear Jana,

    I'd keep the ring if I were you.

    I think Ramadhan opens us up to a lot of introspection and self-analysis. The same can be said of Rosh Hashanah (which is why you chant Kol Nidre on Yom Kippur and forgive yourself at the end of it).

    IN any event, I think it can be good to face down the skeletons in one's closet once in a while, even though it's often unbearably painful. You're on the path to a healthier life. Qur'an suggests that there's peace at the end of the road. Jung did too.

    "Not out but through!"

  9. oh im keeping it. i deserve it for the general crap!!

    oh yish. lol. religious advice from the self professed atheist?

  10. Not religious advice specifically. These rituals proceed along psychoanalytical lines. They're a time to reflect, and perhaps to recline on God/Allah's couch and take some criticism for past events.

    And in the end (at least in the Jewish tradition) one is accepted despite the fact s/he's not perfect. No one's perfect. It is the process which is meaningful, rather than the result.

    Just my view... Thanks again for your honesty. I think many would do well (myself included) to take a lesson from you.