Monday, October 13, 2008

big big sigh.

today is worse than yesterday. i cant get a grip on myself for anything. my husband called and i laid into him as ive never done before. i couldnt stop myself from telling him every single thing i couldnt stand about him and how he had crushed my dream of having a decent marriage. he took it all rather humbly and quietly. i was pleased actually because had he gotten indignant i would have really gone beserk!

ive not felt so depressed in a long long time. everything makes me anything from tearful to a downright bawling kid (disguised as an adult). i feel shaky all the time. i dont want anyone to even speak to me. i usually dont like to be home alone but today i couldnt wait til everyone got the HELL OUT.

i feel totally totally lost and i cant even find the correct path to get going. oh yeah i see them. i know the directions like the back of my hand. my feet just wont seem to go down the trail.

for years, ive always be the supportive one, the pep talk giver. miss "dont let it get you down". if i did get down, i bounced back up.

but i cant. i find comfort in Allah but i cannot pull myself out of the pits. ive too much on top of my head right now.

and back to work tomorrow. i dont know how thats going to work. but no matter how i feel i have to smile and be kind to the patients. maybe that will actually make me feel better.

i wish i knew what to do.


  1. heres what to do sis.

    always be patient in the time of hardship, and increase ur worship. which you have already done.

    i know, so easy to say, hard to do. but please be patient ok? it will all pass soon. 'after hardship there is ease, after hardship there is ease' keep saying that to yourself.

    maybe ur feeling that way cuz u let it off ur chest to ur "husband".

    trust me sis, it will get better with time.its hard i know, and i wish i knew what to do too. just try to do things that help calm your mind or make you laugh.

  2. Asalamlaykom,

    Questions to ask yourself, in order to find center/Allah:

    1. Are your hormones out of wack?
    2. Are you getting enough sleep?
    3. Are you watching haram shows? or listening to haram music?
    4. Are you eating healthy food?
    5. Are you praying on time?
    6. Are you spending time with good people?
    7. Are you using the internet too much?
    8. Are you reading Quran?
    9. Are your thoughts pure?
    10. Ranting doesn't help. Studies have shown that to be true. Just bring your injustices to Allah. Ask yourself the previous questions and see if you need to adjust anything in your life in order to see better.

    Wishing you the best!

  3. hormones probably, lack of sleep...yes but thats due to the feelings im having and not vice versa, i rarely watch tv and i dont listen to haram music, i dont care to eat at all at this moment and thats also due to my feelings and not vice versa, yes i pray on time but its that time of the month, i spend time with my children, yes i use the internet too much but thats not new and didnt cause any of this, yes i have been reading and listening to Qur'an, no my thoughts are not always pure but who has pure thoughts all the not wicked. and i hope that i dont appear to be ranting but just talking instead. i did have a rant with my husband but he actually deserves worse than that.

  4. you'll be in my duas. I know it's a rather cliche but when I'm feeling like this I always write "this too shall pass" on a piece of paper and place it on my mirror. It reminds me that life is hard but it will get better.

  5. kayak and pixie. ive said before i HAVE to keep that in mind. and pixie i think i will write it and put it on my mirror!!!