today is worse than yesterday. i cant get a grip on myself for anything. my husband called and i laid into him as ive never done before. i couldnt stop myself from telling him every single thing i couldnt stand about him and how he had crushed my dream of having a decent marriage. he took it all rather humbly and quietly. i was pleased actually because had he gotten indignant i would have really gone beserk!
ive not felt so depressed in a long long time. everything makes me anything from tearful to a downright bawling kid (disguised as an adult). i feel shaky all the time. i dont want anyone to even speak to me. i usually dont like to be home alone but today i couldnt wait til everyone got the HELL OUT.
i feel totally totally lost and i cant even find the correct path to get going. oh yeah i see them. i know the directions like the back of my hand. my feet just wont seem to go down the trail.
for years, ive always be the supportive one, the pep talk giver. miss "dont let it get you down". if i did get down, i bounced back up.
but i cant. i find comfort in Allah but i cannot pull myself out of the pits. ive too much on top of my head right now.
and back to work tomorrow. i dont know how thats going to work. but no matter how i feel i have to smile and be kind to the patients. maybe that will actually make me feel better.
i wish i knew what to do.
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