season's greetings!!

hope all of you out there have wonderful holidays no matter what youre celebrating!

can i tear up some paper or kick the door?

that is frustration at its finest!! you know, my job suffered over the past months due to the recession (yes nurses suffered too) so i took a new job in my town so that i wouldnt have to travel anymore and it was steady work.

ive been there nearly 3 months now and i feel like screaming for the hills. the job itself is not different than most that ive had. nursing work is nursing work. but the people i work with make me want to just get a check at the beginning of the month.

i should just say thank you God for giving me this job but the drama at work just isnt conducive to a peaceful work life.

the hours are so fantastic. monday through friday. 7-3 shift. weekends off. but the weekends grow shorter and shorter due to the dread i feel when i see monday approaching.

trying to think what to do to be honest. do i keept the wonderful hours but dreadful working conditions or go back to more unsteady work but peace of mind?

what does one do when they see a blank canvas?

life changes. we take all the turns and they lead to good and bad places. i dont know if any of you have a restless mind like i have. a restless heart. i dont know if im ever satisfied or if i can ever be in the future.

i live the day to day. work, home, family..just like a normal person. but my mind never rests. ive never stopped longing for the extra things. no not material things. things that satisfy my soul.

i find them temporarily and then i get restless again.

i love God. i fear God. i want to do the right thing. but i grow tired. sometimes i just want to stop striving and just sit down and do nothing but i know thats not an option.

many people so they wouldnt change their life for anything because then they wouldnt be the person they are today. brave answer with many kudos to you but thats not always the smartest answer is it?

i would change quite a few things because some of those things that i wish i could change...well they made me a sour person in some aspects. a more impatient person. a needier person.

i WOULD change those parts of my life that just didnt have to be.

im getting old. i dont know where my life will go. thats the blank canvas. yes im jana. yes im a nurse. yes im a mother...yes im a...a what? what else is there to me? a blank person living by rote.

i miss my mom so much. yes shes still alive but i miss her home. and her fried cornbread. and even her disgusting buttermilk which i wouldnt touch for a million dollars.

this post is pointless i suppose. i havent posted in a long time. there has to be something better in this life.

a new place!

good morning people of the world!

ive started a tiny private area for bloggers.

for more information youll have to head over to my other blog

http://solomuslimah.blogspot.com/

to get the info!!!

thanks and have a wonderful day....or at least try.

warm welcome to september

many of you have known me for a few years and know well that i love the autumn months!! best season of the year. no its not officially autumn yet, but it is september and its good enough for me. it has actually been cool in the mornings for the past few days, enough to have to put a light jacket on my youngest daughter as i ship her off to school.!!

soon ill bring my autumn colored decorations out and make my home just festive!!! you would be surprised to know how those colors and familiar things make me exceedingly happy.

ahhh welcome september!! what memories you bring to me.

.....God willing, happy new memories will form to be remembered later!!

welcome swine flu!! oops i mean H1N1

so i went to nursing office to pick up my check. how nice! they were waiting outside to greet me with check in hand.

i walked up the stairs and they stood waiting.

we have to tell you that youve been exposed to the swine flu at work.

what? who? where?

we cant answer that, just know that someone at work (could be a patient or employee) was diagnosed with H1N1 and i was there at the same time.

they handed the check to my daughter (yep not even to me) and i left puzzled. well not puzzled but thinking hard as where..who....when....no answers.

if i have symptoms, i must report to health department.

i just pray it never gets that far as the CDC (centers for disease control in atlanta) predicts a huge surge in infected people and deaths this year.

well i look at it this way, i get exposed to everything anyway by being a nurse but we are also exposed to everything anyway standing in line at walmart! you just dont know.

but it does make me a bit nervous. cant lie.

my mum..and no shoulder to rest my head.

i wish i could go home and rest my weary head on my moms shoulder in her living room.

i talked to her yesterday and she sounded wonderful.

for long term readers, you know she was losing her mind a bit due to senility and came to live with me over a year ago, but my sister was just itching to have her in a nursing home close to her. well thats where she is and has been for almost a year now. or maybe it has been a year.

i asked her if all of her children keep in touch with her and does my sister still come often and she said no..only one sister keeps in touch with her. my oldest sister june.

great! they couldnt rest til she was in the nursing home and now they dont check on her...how many times ive seen that same situation while i have worked in nursing homes.

anywho

i miss her. the old her that will never return. im grateful that she is still alive and that she sounds good.

sometimes i think to move back to my hometown and take a job so that i can be near her, or that she can come and live with me.

my whole life ive had her to depend on, to listen to me when im sad, down, angry, whatever. i could go to her house and take a rest from the world. just sit with her for a few days. sleep in her bed, eat her homecooked meals.

i feel angry though.

i feel angry at my ex husband for disappearing and then when i finally let it go, he is remorseful and asks constantly to forgive him and let him return. my family tells me to let him come back

i havent forgotten our circumstances though. i havent forgotten the twice sudden departures with all belongings packed while i was out of town working.

i havent forgotten everything that led to those departures. ive not forgotten the constant insults that i endured, thinking i was crap for a wife when the whole time he was crap...astaghfirullah.

i feel anger toward elji for knowing how i had suffered through events that no one should have to suffer and then leaving me to suffer worse.

i feel anger toward his family for making up lies about me to make me look like the bride of satan, for totally ruining my reputation for all those around.

i feel anger toward my children for not pulling their weight financially.

i feel anger toward me for still sitting in the same spot for years to take care of them, making no plans for myself just so they could be happy. in the meantime, i raised selfish children. theyre not totally selfish but they damned can be.

i want to pack my bags, grab my purse and keys and drive away. i want to go to my mum's house and listen to her jazzy music pouring from her old fashioned record player. i want to eat her food and dig through her fridge, i want to sleep in her cool bed with her big pillows, i want to take a shower in her bathroom that smells like dove soap. i want to sit beside her on her soft couch and hold her hand and listen to her talk.

i want...

what do people possibly want?

you know, i really hate making immature viewpoint private. there is really nothing exciting in here at all yet i have visitors from time to time that come to find "evidence" im sure. Elji's hometown is relatively small so to have the "coincidental" visitor from that place - well, lets just say i'd prefer they keep their nose out of my blog.

thats the beauty of feedjit...you see who's entering your blog.

i wont keep this place private forever. i dont like it that way. my thoughts on that subject is if youre going to have a blog on the world wide web then you should expect a certain amount of unwanted company. just that particular company is company i would prefer never darken any door of mine.

when i go private, many readers dont know how to get in touch with me and a couple do know how to get in touch with me and write me thinking ive blocked them specifically. i dont like hurt feelings at all.

but what do the unwanted intruders want? information? proof? dirt? secrets? or just to figure out who i am perhaps.

how much easier it would have been had they taken the time to talk to me personally instead of lying and ruining my reputation.

anyway thanks for your patience and loyalty.