Tuesday, April 7, 2009

new lease on life....do i have to sign anything?

this week was hard yet good. without going into much detail, i went through more trying times that just seemed to get the best of me. im forever busy trying to sweep, dust and tidy my mind to rid myself of old problems but when something new plops down on top of the old....well, i just dont respond well. it seems that as soon as i think things are working out ok, something else occurs....ahhhh life, yeah?

but elji wont let those problems get the best of me. he seems to be my broom and dustpan these days and whereas in the past, i was miss independent and forever resisting any "help" from him, i just gave in this week and let it flow naturally. and flow naturally it did. im far from being the helpless, wilting southern belle but one can only take so much during such a really short period of time.

i realized that i was wound so tightly in my self protective cocoon that i could barely breathe. but instead of silk, my cocoon was made of chain maille. elji has tried to work around that armour for months now but i couldnt relax enough to...well relax !! no wonder my head was hurting all the time. the calmness that has surrounded me when i finally let elji tend to my needs is just the best feeling.

just that feeling of letting go, exhaling and the resulting peace has given me what feels like a new lease on life.

for the first time since my ex husband left, i went outside to my back porch to one of my favorite pasttimes that i used to write about here....leaving peanuts and sunflower seeds for the squirrels, birdseed for the birds and nectar for the hummingbirds. poor things...they probably felt like orphans. it took a day or so for them to realize there was food there but come they did! what a simple joy. simple yet wonderful and very fulfilling for me.

i thought i was doing ok but i realized that i was living like a hermit. isolated from real life. emotions and body so rigid i couldnt breathe. i was afraid to relax...afraid to let anyone too close.

im just happy for myself to be honest! just happy to know that im still inside somewhere!

1 comment:

  1. im glad to see you happy sis. -kayak