random thoughts from a woman who can never grow up.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
this blog is my voice.
i'm not always miserable and whining. as ive said previously, i live a productive life and function well in society. at least i hope thats true. the things i say in here are things that i cant verbalize to anyone. i stopped talking a long time ago because much of what i confided eventually was used against me at some point and time to try and make me appear weak and usually by someone that i cared about.
boy i used to talk. ask me something or dont ask me something, i talked til the other person was probably crying inside loool. ive literally gone a few years and only talked about superficial things or non personal things with my friends and acquaintances.
so..i talk here. i say things here that i dont dare utter to anyone. i hope none of you mind.
i am one of those people who always needs someone around them. as many of you know, i grew up in a large family. i was the youngest with some of the older ones being 10 to 15 years older than me. so even when i was still a small child, many of them had already gotten married and moved away. i was so used to noise in the house. we had a huge home. absolutely huge. we had 8 bedrooms and there was someone in each of them. but as they emptied the silence in that huge home became deafening. my father died when i was 10 and the house grew even more silent.
after my fathers death, my mother spent a great deal of time away from the home working. she had never even worked a day since i had been alive. i spent a good deal of time in that huge house alone finding solace in music. singing and playing the piano were the only things that kept me alive. music was the only thing that filled the house with any type of noise. i always had alot of friends and laughed alot but i still always felt enshrined in silence.
i became afraid to be alone. not a pathological fear, but a real fear anyway. once in a while i like to be alone but that feeling doesnt roll around often.
my own family is now spread from state to state and its difficult to see them. we're just not close anymore anyway.
i find myself longing to belong to a huge family. more specific...a huge muslim family. one of those lovely families that have the parents, the children, their spouses and children, the grandparents, aunts, uncles all living around nearby...you know, that fantastic family infrastructure where they have beautiful holidays together and great bustling meals filled with love and laughter.
oh i know those families have problems too but oh how i would love to be in the middle of it all. i cant tell you how i feel so much the insider looking in....lol sometimes i remind myself of the girl in hans christian andersen's the little match girl. i watch families having a wonderful time and wish i were with them. im living vicariously through them i guess. i feel a certain joy watching them laughing and smiling....but that joy is always brief as i come back to reality. that feeling of longing and being the "outsider" makes me feel even worse. i hate that feeling.
sometimes i think to go back to egypt and live in the middle of my husbands vast and ancient family.....its not the same since his mom passed though.