Friday, November 21, 2008

while others are moving on.......

im reading new posts from my fellow bloggers and it seems that most are doing rather nicely and im happy for them...truly. even poor angry in oman over there having to deal with her non handwashing co-workers loool!

but me? oh nooo. i havent had a day of total calmess since the day that my husband left. there's been a constant up and day that will just stew the brain. the ups and downs come from him no most of the time and the other ups and downs come from my own emotions.

tell me, has a year actually increased? arent there still just 365 days in a year? god, this one seems to be eternal.

a brief synopsis of my own events of 2008.

life was decent jan, feb and march. status quo.

march. my mom came to live with us . that was good though stressful.

april 1. my husband packs his ENTIRE belongings and leaves while i am at work an
hour away leaving me spiraling wildly.

i spend the entire month trying to keep my mother happy and healthy and to
keep my sister from putting her into a nursing home.

may. im still in a fog trying to figure out whats happening with my husband and
me. he buys a ticket to come home. he really does because i actually take
care of the procurement. he's to be home for my daughters big days...she's
having a father/daughter luncheon at school and her graduation from pre-k.
i spend the day of his arrival getting prepared. i pay for a beautiful
room at a nice hotel in atlanta and wont be home for 2 days. i bought new
clothing and really prepped myself for his return. i was two minutes from
walking out of the house to go to atlanta (the airport is there) i gave
him one last ring on his cell....he said "ive missed my flight". if there
was ever a moment in my life where all action stopped, including my own
vital signs, that was it. i suddenly was outside of life looking in.
i think that day was worse than the day he actually left. he missed my
daughters father/daughter luncheon and graduation.
i sent my mother to her hometown for a visit...the crap started all over
again from my sister about sending her to the nursing home. i went to
get my mom and brought her home.

now mind you, my brothers and sisters are calling me freaking daily to make sure she's ok. YES YES YES she is fine. but in reality she wasnt happy. she wanted to go to her home and plotted daily trying to get back to her home. i wish that i could have taken her home but it was impossible. sigh.

june my mother starts growing irrational. she strikes out at my 5 year old and
threatens to throw coffee on me. i sent her to my brother for two weeks
in tennessee. while there, she learns that her "fellow" back home has
broken his foot and needs help. there was no stopping her after that. my
brother took her to her hometown because she was determined to be there.
while there, my sister takes the opportunity to put her in the nursing
home. i cant fight it anymore. i decide also to start putting an end to
my marriage...its not good for me and i aske for talaq (islamic divorce). i
start talking to the imam who instructs me to "work it out with my husband"
oh whatever..what the hell.

july im losing hours at work because its summer, theyre building new surgical
towers and have hired more nurses to cover those towers when they open so
theyre really overstaffed and everyone is scrambling to get hours. im be-
coming financially unstable.
my husband and i had some ermm explicit photos that he stored in his email.
the woman that i suspected was or is his s.o. and possibly his wife also,
hacked into his email and took those photos. i discovered it because she
actually sent them to her own email but neglected to delete that from the
sent files. i nearly lose my mind.
i actually went to seattle to see my husband. i had a thought in my mind to
do bodily harm to him. but i dont. i just let him know that i want a di-
vorce and intend to get one. he says he is coming home and i am his wife.
i meet someone wonderful by the name of Elji. i had forgotten there was
actually light in the world but he provided it.

aug my 18 year old moves out. that made me sad really. i wasnt expecting it. he
gets an apartment with friends but he has two jobs so he can handle it. my
husband is still insisting to come home. tells our daughter that he will be
there before she starts school so that he can take her. at the time i was
thinking that he could come home for her. i would do it for her. but au-
gust comes and goes. she starts school. no husband. he calls and says he
will be here definately before ramadan. who cares anymore please? who
really cares?

sept ramadan husband. im totally not surprised. he told my daughter
not to put up the ramadan lanterns til he gets there..he would do it. we
waited a couple of days, she and i did it ourselves. i spent nearly every
single day of ramadan (not physically) with elji. we would meet online
or by phone for sehri and iftaar (morning and evening meal). he is such a
giving person. truly giving.
my husbands still calling and saying he will be here before Eid..and im
totally ignoring this bit by now. W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R!! heard that song and
dance before.
but elji also left for home before eid and then for pakistan after eid. the
silence was overwhelming.

oct month of horrors for me. i dont even remember what came first for me. so
many things happened that i was much like the swirling waters when the toi-
let is flushed.
my oldest daughter turned 17..a few days later she skipped her first class
in school so i called her cell phone to ask her about it. she got irritated
of course. hours passed and she wasnt home. i called her cell and said its
getting late and dark, dinners ready. come home. i soon got a txt msg say-
that she wasnt returning. she would not be back. wth? seems she had found
out that, at the age of 17, she could legally leave home without my per-
mission. and she did. and quit school. and has not returned. it was com-
pletely sad for me. my home grew so quiet. i had to scuffle to figure out
how to get my 5 year old to and from school since she would go with my old-
est daughter when i was working. it was now just pj, kylee and me.
then someone that played a huge part of my life contacted me and really sent
me into a tailspin. i was already in a weakend state from elji being gone,
my daughter leaving and my husband driving me insane daily.
then elji returned and informed me that we should separate a bit. just not
be so close. i didnt understand at the time why he did that. i do now
though. i understand why.
you ever heard a glass crack? and you look at it to see if its just cracked
but then a huge chunk falls off?? lool that was me. the cracked glass with
chunk falling off.
my husband would call me daily. if i didnt answer one phone, he would call
EVERY phone til i answered something. GOD! go on with your effing life
please!!!!!!!!!!! now im begging you to leave me alone. i didnt mince words
with him. i told him i was definately going to divorce him. to go on and do
whatever it is he wanted...i guess what he wanted now was me. how lucky am
financial situation worsened. not only are there lack of hours for us, the
economy is horrible and people are just not coming to the hospital the way
they ALWAYS have. im struggling and telling my NON WORKING husband i need
help. its not coming. he cant event take care of himself he says.
at some point, elji finds out that his dad wants him to choose a wife soon.
can it get worse? he has to go home to his parents and make a decision. ya

i hated october.

nov. my husband is falling apart. he wants to come home. he's sad because he re-
alizes that i dont love him anymore. i held on for him for so long but i
gave up. elji and i are losing our minds. he finally goes home for the week-
end to talk to his parents, but instead of coming back with the news of who
he has decided upon, he actually put his foot down and said that he needed
time out. that he wasnt ready to select anyone and to please give him a
break for a year or so. he wanted more time with me. this was the only sun-
shine that i had seen since september. i will say again, please do not say
anything about my situation with elji. im not looking for advice regarding
this. he is the only thing that kept me afloat most of the time.
my financial situation has worsened to the point i will have to take a new
job or find a second job.
my husband is more determined than ever to come back here though i tell him
repeatedly that its over.
i dont sleep well. i always feel like the front door will swing open and he
will be standing there. he is NOT a monster at all. i just dont want him
back in my life. and i have a feeling that his old school egyptian ways
will be evident. he will think i HAVE to give him his "rights" in the bed-
room.....god. the thought of him returning makes me want to jump from the
balcony. drama drama drama.

hey thats 2008!!! i guess the years prior to that were just too easy for me, it was time for some trials and tribulation!!!!

im not crying..not complaining. i just want 2009 to be a bit better....anyone got any prayers for me?

elji...when you read this, thank you for all you do. thank you.Photobucket


  1. The prayers never stop my friend. I only want the best for you, insha Allah it will come again. A huge virtual hug from me my friend, wish I could do more...Kristin

  2. subhanallah. man you are the strongest person ive ever met. this makes me think twice about complaining again. my mouth dropped open while reading this. i've been making dua for you sis, and a couple other very strong sisters. damn.. im lost for words. i just think u should divorce that mum ****ing son of a *****. Excuse me *cough*

    Allah tests those who He loves, and He loves you a lot. Keep strong, and Allah is always there for those who are patient. After hardship there is ease. Its a promise in the Quran from Allah.

  3. i'm really sorry. I couldn't take it. I thought you were just concocting some stuff which is not true. It is too much for me since I know I will easily collapse if I were to be subjected to that cruelty. Ya Rab!

    Sister, has the daughter returned now? Pliz talk to her nicely and pamper her, she is in a sensitive age, furthermore, she may be angry at her dad and thus you which makes her leave with anger without her explaining anything. They observe a lot @ a time like this. My prayers are with you. I must say you very strong masha' Allah.

    "He is the One that sends down rain (even) after (men) have given up all hope, and scatters His Mercy (far and wide). And He is the Protector, Worthy of all Praise." (Al-Quran: 42: 28)

  4. salam sister
    no..absolutely none of it is made up...all true unfortunately. its truly been a year of misfortunes for me. but with the help of Allah ive survived.

    my daughter has slowly started coming back around the house. it was awkward at first but now we're ok. ive really missed her though

  5. My Allah shower you with his blessings for the coming year and all those that come after that.