i was happier singing

i always sang..for as long as i can remember. i loved music and no matter what kind of problems i was having, music took me to another level. i loved to sing and i loved to sing loudly. when i went to college, i thought i wanted to be an actress. i really like acting alot and was pretty good at it. but then i decided to switch my major to music performance. oh man that was the best time of my life. i was surrounded by some of the most talented ppl that i have ever known. singers, instrumentalists, music coaches. most of us got along pretty good, but there was always the random showboat that wanted to compete. we used to get together at the apartment that i shared with marian scavelli (we both played the piano but she didnt sing) and sing our hearts out. sighhhhh. i miss the heck out of those voices and that talent.

i belonged to a professional singing group and we actually toured during our school quarters. i also belonged to a childrens performance group called the pied pipers. we were so silly. after i graduated, i took a job as the parish choir director (i had to be the secretary too lol). i also had the childrens choir. now that was a chore as i have very little patience with children. i also was the lead singer of a band called airhart. we would perform for audiences of 100 or sometimes 5. we didnt care. we just wanted to perform.

at some point soon after i graduated, my sister in law , who was nearly 15 years older than me, asked me to attend some nursing classes with her. she hadnt studied in years and wanted someone to help her in school. i said sure. she was my favorite sis in law so i couldnt refuse. we took the class. i made an A+ and didnt have to study very much. she had a b and studied all the time to get that grade. we took another class. i made A+ and was on the deans list. she still didnt do as well as i did. i tried to help her the best i could, but the older you get the harder it is to learn. i can say that from experience since i am older now.

she eventually got irritated with me cause i was making better grades and dropped out. i stayed in and graduated as a nurse. well actually i went to nursing school in 2 parts because i had my first child and stayed out for a year and a half.

so im a nurse today. this summer will be 20 years as a nurse for me. she works as a secretary at the university. i never wanted to be a nurse. and i still dont want to be a nurse. the work itself is fulfilling simply because of what we do for people. the miracles and achievements i see. but there is also the other side. the desperation when a patient cant be cured or saved. sudden loss and grief.

but i still dont want to be a nurse. i dont sing anymore. i went on to have 4 more children and there was not time for singing except in my home. all of my children love music. my 16 year old daughter wants to sing. pathetically i dont even encourage this. i tell her to study something more solid then if she can sing on the side great. if it leads to fame great.

even if i could never sing publicly again, i still dont want to be a nurse. i wish i could do something different. i wish i had something more cheerful to do. i am not sure what that is. and i am getting old now. but i dont think its too late. i look at ppl who are in their 5o's and 60's and still doing great in their jobs.

i dont know how to do anything else.