out for lunch

my husband and i were out eating lunch today. it was raining outside, still overcast. we ran inside the deli giggling like 2 kids and were met by warmth. oh it felt really good in there. the food smelled great!! the deli is huge and they have a large selection of hot soups and hot sandwiches. nothing cold there. we ordered and sat down. while my husband went to get our drinks, i was sitting at the table looking around. the warmth of the place had already gotten rid of the chill i had from the outdoors but then i noticed.....christmas carols. it seemed that the noises around me faded away. i went back in time. i didnt even realize that my husband had come back. he said what? what did i do? did i do something? i was a little puzzled by his questions. what do you mean, i asked. why are you about to cry? apparently my face had turned red, tears were at the surface.

you see, earlier this year i became a muslim. of course there is no christmas in islam. only my husband, our daughter together, and me...we are the only muslims in our family here in the u.s.a. my older 4 children and the rest of my extended family are all christians. i will still have a downscaled celebration for my older children and i would never deny an invitation from family for christmas get togethers. our christmas tree will be the "winter tree"

but hearing the christmas carols made me feel happy and childlike. even though i dont share the ideals of christianity anymore (but you must realize that there are a tremendous amount of similarities between christianity and islam), i still love the time of the year and the memories it invokes. i still love the decorated trees, all the beautiful twinkling lights, the beautiful music. the atmosphere, the smells, shopping. i did this for 44 years, why would it suddenly lose its appeal to me now.

i never did answer my husband. i was afraid that if i told him what was in my heart i would cry in front of all the soup slurping customers. i didnt want to tell him how i will miss christmas and all of its glory. i didnt want to tell him that i feared it was sinful for a muslim to be celebrating christmas. i told him i would talk to him later and i will.