Monday, May 4, 2009

my new life as an insomniac

its been 2 1/2 weeks since my return from the UK. since that time and after enduring stress from elji's family, ive not slept more than 3 hours per night and thats with the assistance of a "sleep aid" which is just benadryl and ive dropped down a couple of clothing sizes, my scrub pants literally hanging off my arse.

i dont know how i function properly throughout the day. somehow im able to focus on my work. work happens to be a blessing right now because at least im out of the house and my mind is not churning.

but even that becomes hard because not one single day would pass at work where i was without elji. he would txt me throughout my work day.."how ya doin' J?"."hows your health J?". "take it easy J", "i love you honey...dont work too hard, eat well." loving encouragement throughout the day. when i would take my lunch break, i would spend it with him. but now my cell phone is quiet. a rare txt msg comes through from someone. an occasional call.

i always wonder how he is doing, is he sad, suffering, worrying about me which is something he did daily. always had to check to make sure i was ok. i was never far from his mind. i wonder if he, too, wakes up in fear and reaching for his cell phone. but of course thats not there.

those are the times that i pray the hardest...i force myself to focus on something else so that the pain doesnt return and drown me.

i dont care about the not eating part, theres just no appetite. but i cant ever think to take my iron which is a must for me. and the worst is the insomnia. nearly every night, i can expect to be literally pulled out of a deep, benadryl induced sleep into a state of panic. elji. where is elji? where is elji? where is elji? i try to hear his voice in my mind. i play past conversations in my head...but most of all i just panic. i have to get out of bed and get out of that room. sometimes i wake up and forget that he is in pakistan. i reach for my cell phone to check for a txt msg or missed call. a voice mail. and then that realization, that remembrance, that horror of reality makes my stomach grind. makes me want to throw myself out of my window.

in the daytime, i can control it better....its the wee hours that kill.

in my wildest dreams, i never knew that this relationship could have such a twist. stuff of movies and exaggerated TV shows. had i known that i could be connected to such a situation , i doubt i would have signed up for it or i just wouldnt have let it advance to the "forever and ever" stage. but its too late now, and its the last thing i needed after my ex kicked up the drama in my life a notch.

only Allah knows how this will turn out...but, i always ask Him to at least let elji contact me eventually to let me now that he is ok and to say our goodbye, inshallah. that hurts to even say that...our goodbye. but if this chapter in my life is indeed closed..i want to at least be able to say i love you and goodbye. my biggest fear is that i will never hear any news of him again, my second biggest fear is that he will be forced to marry there, third is that he is suffering, that he will forget me.

but ive not given up hope. its only been a week since he told them (or someone told them for him). im trying to be patient..what other choice do i have?


  1. Sending lots of hugs through this comment. I'll pray for you... and ask Allah to have him call you so that you can rest a bit better... Does he read this blog?

  2. he always read this blog...but as of late there is not contact to the outside world that i know of...i can only assume if he cant use his phone that he cant use the net either...he would perhaps try to contact me and that just cant happen i suppose :(

  3. Well inshallah he can read it and see what you are going through... May Allah make it easy for you

  4. ive been faced with the reality of the siutation. im so tired from not sleeping and waking up wondering. i can barely see straight now and i have to drive that long drive to work this way....but the reality is, somehow he crashed, caved, let go of our dreams. even if its temporarily, he let it go and left me floudering and suffering in the worst way. ill go forward with life. ill not wait. was advised by a very smart pakistani friend that lives here and that ive known for a while..he said, he is history. he has given now i have to collect myself and try to move on into my own future, inshallah. Allahu alim what it will bring. anything should be better than this but please dont misunderstand me, i still say alhamdulillah

  5. I know you really love him. I think one more week and that's it sweetie. Because you don't want to go through this waiting game with him everytime he goes to visit his family. Your Pakistani friend is really insightful. Jana, the push of these families is unbelievable, as you know. My Turkish in-laws single-handedly destroyed everything for me and filed a divorce. I don't want you to suffer the same fate.

    Inshallah I am here. I've been depressed and also in bed a lot. Inshallah we both will leave our bed and go on. I love you until the end of time sweetie. If there is anything I can do I'm a phone call away. Love you endlessly.