Tuesday, May 5, 2009

talking and thinking

i dont know why comments disappear here!! i hate that. lisa i posted 3 of yours and one showed up...i cant let myself think about it too much because i just crumble into a pile of blubbering jello. the times that i forget that he's not going to be on the other end of the phone is just countless...Allah has given me strength. real strength. i can make it through the day and i can talk about it without crying so hard...but there are so many reminders of him, i just fall apart at times...you know, we just met in UK 3 weeks ago. those memories are so precious to me. and i should still be celebrating that wonderful time instead of mourning the loss of this light in my life...with elji, i simply found a human being that thought the way i thought, whose ideas about life and religion matched mine, a person who taught me how to become even closer to Allah, someone who cared about me truly, we thought the same things were funny, loved cooking shows, liked to eat good food but most of all we just loved. loved each other and respected each other.

i ended up being accused of using him and grooming him for his money...i have no clue about any finances. i didnt care if we lived under a tree. he didnt care if we lived under a tree either but he wanted me taken care of. i wish you knew how many times he said "J, im going to take care of you but at the same time...im going to teach you how to take care of yourself because one day i may be gone before you."

we had so many plans and they were solid plans...not fairytale and unrealistic.

his last email to me was glorious. speaking of how much he respects me and how we have truly merged into one person.

if Allah would just allow the chance, what a happy life i would have..but its all in His hands. Allahs hands.

i can still hear him call me at the airport when he spotted me and the look on his face when i turned around and how we sat at the bus stop holding hands.

i pray to Allah that those memories never fade away. that they will become less important one day no matter what happens to me..

Allah gave him to me for a reason even if for a short time.

had i known that our time would have been cut short so unexpectedly, i would have cherished those moments..especially our time in england...even more, if thats possible.

part of me is angry with him for not being stronger but the other part is grateful for that man who tried to take the bull by the horns and fight for me. he was up against the steel wall of pakistani culture though.

i write all of this with eyes brimming with tears, aching for the love that filled my life so full.

ya Allah help me...please.

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