welcome swine flu!! oops i mean H1N1

so i went to nursing office to pick up my check. how nice! they were waiting outside to greet me with check in hand.

i walked up the stairs and they stood waiting.

we have to tell you that youve been exposed to the swine flu at work.

what? who? where?

we cant answer that, just know that someone at work (could be a patient or employee) was diagnosed with H1N1 and i was there at the same time.

they handed the check to my daughter (yep not even to me) and i left puzzled. well not puzzled but thinking hard as where..who....when....no answers.

if i have symptoms, i must report to health department.

i just pray it never gets that far as the CDC (centers for disease control in atlanta) predicts a huge surge in infected people and deaths this year.

well i look at it this way, i get exposed to everything anyway by being a nurse but we are also exposed to everything anyway standing in line at walmart! you just dont know.

but it does make me a bit nervous. cant lie.

my mum..and no shoulder to rest my head.

i wish i could go home and rest my weary head on my moms shoulder in her living room.

i talked to her yesterday and she sounded wonderful.

for long term readers, you know she was losing her mind a bit due to senility and came to live with me over a year ago, but my sister was just itching to have her in a nursing home close to her. well thats where she is and has been for almost a year now. or maybe it has been a year.

i asked her if all of her children keep in touch with her and does my sister still come often and she said no..only one sister keeps in touch with her. my oldest sister june.

great! they couldnt rest til she was in the nursing home and now they dont check on her...how many times ive seen that same situation while i have worked in nursing homes.

anywho

i miss her. the old her that will never return. im grateful that she is still alive and that she sounds good.

sometimes i think to move back to my hometown and take a job so that i can be near her, or that she can come and live with me.

my whole life ive had her to depend on, to listen to me when im sad, down, angry, whatever. i could go to her house and take a rest from the world. just sit with her for a few days. sleep in her bed, eat her homecooked meals.

i feel angry though.

i feel angry at my ex husband for disappearing and then when i finally let it go, he is remorseful and asks constantly to forgive him and let him return. my family tells me to let him come back

i havent forgotten our circumstances though. i havent forgotten the twice sudden departures with all belongings packed while i was out of town working.

i havent forgotten everything that led to those departures. ive not forgotten the constant insults that i endured, thinking i was crap for a wife when the whole time he was crap...astaghfirullah.

i feel anger toward elji for knowing how i had suffered through events that no one should have to suffer and then leaving me to suffer worse.

i feel anger toward his family for making up lies about me to make me look like the bride of satan, for totally ruining my reputation for all those around.

i feel anger toward my children for not pulling their weight financially.

i feel anger toward me for still sitting in the same spot for years to take care of them, making no plans for myself just so they could be happy. in the meantime, i raised selfish children. theyre not totally selfish but they damned can be.

i want to pack my bags, grab my purse and keys and drive away. i want to go to my mum's house and listen to her jazzy music pouring from her old fashioned record player. i want to eat her food and dig through her fridge, i want to sleep in her cool bed with her big pillows, i want to take a shower in her bathroom that smells like dove soap. i want to sit beside her on her soft couch and hold her hand and listen to her talk.

i want...

what do people possibly want?

you know, i really hate making immature viewpoint private. there is really nothing exciting in here at all yet i have visitors from time to time that come to find "evidence" im sure. Elji's hometown is relatively small so to have the "coincidental" visitor from that place - well, lets just say i'd prefer they keep their nose out of my blog.

thats the beauty of feedjit...you see who's entering your blog.

i wont keep this place private forever. i dont like it that way. my thoughts on that subject is if youre going to have a blog on the world wide web then you should expect a certain amount of unwanted company. just that particular company is company i would prefer never darken any door of mine.

when i go private, many readers dont know how to get in touch with me and a couple do know how to get in touch with me and write me thinking ive blocked them specifically. i dont like hurt feelings at all.

but what do the unwanted intruders want? information? proof? dirt? secrets? or just to figure out who i am perhaps.

how much easier it would have been had they taken the time to talk to me personally instead of lying and ruining my reputation.

anyway thanks for your patience and loyalty.