irish eyes are weeping....

actually the world is most likely weeping at the loss of such a prolific writer as Frank McCourt who died today in NYC.

there are very few books that capture my devotion anymore, very few stories that ingrain themselves into my heart, very few lives that forever remain in my memory and reduce me to heartache for the sadness endured...then the victories to come.

and no one, other than Mr McCourt, did i ever call my "favorite" author.

from the very second that i opened the first book that i read from mr McCourt, i was forever a fan of this man that passed through so many trials and poverty beginning in brooklyn then back to Ireland until he finally reached his destiny as a teacher in America.

how many tears did i shed while reading his book, "Angelas Ashes" and so i did today when i read of his death....such a talent.

i had tucked in the back of my brain somewhere the hope to meet him one day...one day....one day is gone now but his words live on dont they?

though i dont drink..here's a pint to ya Mr McCourt!

oh my gosh i took the wrong bus didnt i??

huge huge mistake i made!! and you know what happens when you take the wrong bus? you get on the next bus and the next bus trying to get back to the correct spot!!!!

the life bus.

i realized today that some years ago i got on the wrong bus because i wasnt looking and ive since been trying to find the right one to find my way.

i was awakened a couple of months ago by several people pointing out how old i am. well of course i know how old i am....i know my age...but it just hit me today how OLD i am. ive spent most of my adult life chasing others dreams, making others happy and not making myself happy.

i had my own dreams and i put them up on a shelf so high that ive not reached them since...must have thrown that step ladder away.

now? now all of these freaking years have passed and im no further into my own dreams than i was back in my wonderful days in the university when i was still naive and unjaded!

i always put others first and let them have their dreams......and now half my life has passed and im stuck with my feet in the quicksand.

but ill be damned if ill continue being stuck...who knows what i have left of life? well, Allahu alim..but on earth, who knows? i may have 10 years, 30 years or 5 minutes.

im content being a muslim, but ive never been content living in usa.....ive had a dream of living in my great grandparents land since i was a small child with every intention of doing just that. and inshallah i can still live that dream out.

i just get ill thinking of all the years that have passed while i was running blindly behind that bus. i could CRY for that person.. just cry for her..but i wont. ill pick her up and walk forward with her.

forget that stupid bus!!!

i wanna go home.

i want to go home but the problem is i dont know where home is anymore. home is where the heart is? where is my heart? if i can find that, i think i can find home. i wish i could go to my mom's house, but there is no more mom's house. moms's house is the nursing home.

my children are moving away...kylee is where my heart is at the moment.....and part of it is with elji.

the problem is, i just cant find any familiarity anywhere. perhaps you may think im a needy person, and perhaps i AM a needy person but you know, thats really ok. takes all kinds to make the world go round, yeah?

maybe ill never find home here on earth...inshallah jannah can be my home one day.

open for business...i hope!

it has been a month since i closed the blog. im sorry that i just disappeared without warning but as i had some very nosey visitors, i felt it best just to shut it down for a while. if i disappear again you can best bet that the "noseys" have returned.

who are the noseys? oh just some people that have created a bit of havoc in my personal life in the past couple of months? i cant say for sure that it was them but i just didnt want them here!!

anyway....here i am in blazing glory.