Saturday, May 9, 2009

good days and bad,

it has been a bit more than 2 weeks since elji went to pakistan and its been two weeks ago today that i heard from him. that doesnt seem like a long period of time in the scheme of things but for me it has felt like an eternity. alot can happen in 2 weeks. im trying to piece my life back together...i look like a patchwork quilt right about now.

i still miss elji daily. i try not to think about him so much though. that doesnt help me at all. once in a while, i still find tears welling up in my eyes and i fight that too. i miss him the most before i go to sleep.

i wonder if he is married now. if that is the only way he would be able to leave pakistan. if that is what he did to make up to his parents for his huge blunder.

i wonder how he was so weak. i wonder how he allowed this to happen. i wonder if i was just a dream for him that he knew he couldnt have.

i wonder why i didnt know about the reality of pakistani culture.

i get pissed at myself for letting this happen. i get pissed at myself for loving him so hard. i get pissed at myself for letting his family eat me alive. i get pissed for losing him. i get pissed for agreeing to lie.

but do you know what really hurts???

the lack of manners, the lack of respect, the lack of courtesy, the lack of human compassion that his siblings possess as muslims. the picture they painted of me is less than desirable.

even if they objected to me, where was there respect for another muslim? no all muslims are not good but we are supposed to treat each other with utmost respect and courtesy. where was i in that lineup? perhaps that courtesy and respect is only extended to people who are not trying to marry a family member. people who know their place.

did they feel that their anger permitted them to strip me of my dignity? to expose me and backbite?

though elji always said "are you marrying me or my family?", the family would have destroyed us had we married so maybe all worked out for the best.

i dont love elji any less and forgive him for all of this....i guess i do. i say that because since the pain has reached its peak, the anger is setting in. i feel like the very least he could do is send me an email saying "i am sorry for what i allowed to happen in your life.". maybe its out of his control right now. but i just know that if the shoe were on the other foot, i would demand to be able to write him and tell him that i love him and im sorry for all that happened. that it was out of my control. forgive me." i would want him to have some peace. some closure. more than anything for him to know that i didnt want this to happen.

i had somone tell me that i shouldnt try to fill my emptiness with a man. you know, we are all different in the way we live life and in what we need. i do want a decent husband! im not 20 and have the rest of my life ahead of me. im 47 and we all know the older you get the harder it is. its my right as a human, a muslim, a woman to have a good and decent husband. as a muslim that is half our deen. when i met elji i wasnt even thinking to become involved with anyone..definately not looking for a husband.

elji would have been a fanstastic husband. what a blessing it was to have known him! he showed me how loving and concerned a man can be. he lifted me up so much. his family turned us into crash test dummies. but from this experience, i know i want this in my my life....a wonderful companion who really loves. who really gives. if thats filling a hole, then so be it....let me get my shovel and pack it in. inshallah i can find happiness again...permanent happiness.


  1. Sometimes I wish that culture could just be removed from Islam. Surgically removed and stored in a jar on the shelf, floating in that preservative stuff! Its very sad that his family acted like that. They will answer for it on the day of judgment. I'm also surprised that he has not contacted you at all. He is a grown man... can't he get some message out?

    Anyway, my prayers are with you. Inshallah you find someone else to make you happy.

  2. thats my thoughts....he cant even get a message to me to at least apologize for wasting my time this past year?? for crashing and caving in a matter of a couple of days? the great lenghts that his family went to to erase me from his life, well i dont doubt that they would do anything to keep him from contacting me...if you had any clue some of the things they said to me your mouth would hit the floor, crash through that, then hit the earth down below and i mean that sincerely!!!

  3. let me add this...what makes this the hardest for me is the fact that we were so happy. got along so well. had well laid plans for the future. wanted nothing more than a halal marriage. and we were stopped so abruptly. thats why i said its like a death. everything went from high to a head on collision in just a few days.
    my days are a bit better, but there are times that i feel like i will just scream because i would love to be able to pick up a phone and know he will answer it stands, i know nothing at all.

    i feel like my heart and life have just been stripped from me. i have to get out of my house often just to stop the thoughts. i have to pray extra extra hard to keep the ache from returning.

    thank you jamilah...inshallah ill find someone that is strong and wont crash and burn when the crunch comes. i dont want anymore crunches. no more battles. ive had such a hard time of it this past year that i just want things to be smooth somewhat.

  4. I did hope after this time you could have found some resolution, some idea of what had happened, some closure. I have to say notwithstanding the culture he could have done something. You know about Ayman and what he went through, not for me, we did not meet until 3 years afterwards. But he did what he believed in even though it cost him his family, money, friends, livehood and nationality. It can be done.

    I wish I had some comfort for you, well I did not marry Mahmoud until I was 48, I guess there is always hope

  5. Just don't let this bring you down... you can still find someone great, inshallah.

  6. Sweetie I've been a stranger the last couple of days, and I greatly apologize. Oh Jana Z. it sounds like you are coming out of the initial denial phase and entering the anger one. There will always be denial, anger, acceptance.

    You may find in this phase that you get angry with Elji and that is okay. You have every right to be, because no one and I mean no one can prevent him from sending off an email if he really wants to. Dialing a number. Sending a Twitter.

    My sadness for you is mostly that you weren't even looking. You weren't even looking. It reminds me of my dear Indian friend, a sweet niqaabi with her chemistry phd. She had acid thrown at her by husband #1 for leaving the marriage. She was happy. And then our old imam swooped in and wanted to make her his 3rd wife. She wasn't EVEN looking. She became the wife and he made her miserable. She ended up losing a lot of her savings, and he divorced her.

    I cry everyday for her and you too. You deserve someone who will stand up for you. At all costs. I can only imagine the terrible things his family said. Sister, you are my favorite blogger. Don't let them get you down. Inshallah this test will pass, and someday there will be another Elji. With more guts. Love you!