it has been a bit more than 2 weeks since elji went to pakistan and its been two weeks ago today that i heard from him. that doesnt seem like a long period of time in the scheme of things but for me it has felt like an eternity. alot can happen in 2 weeks. im trying to piece my life back together...i look like a patchwork quilt right about now.
i still miss elji daily. i try not to think about him so much though. that doesnt help me at all. once in a while, i still find tears welling up in my eyes and i fight that too. i miss him the most before i go to sleep.
i wonder if he is married now. if that is the only way he would be able to leave pakistan. if that is what he did to make up to his parents for his huge blunder.
i wonder how he was so weak. i wonder how he allowed this to happen. i wonder if i was just a dream for him that he knew he couldnt have.
i wonder why i didnt know about the reality of pakistani culture.
i get pissed at myself for letting this happen. i get pissed at myself for loving him so hard. i get pissed at myself for letting his family eat me alive. i get pissed for losing him. i get pissed for agreeing to lie.
but do you know what really hurts???
the lack of manners, the lack of respect, the lack of courtesy, the lack of human compassion that his siblings possess as muslims. the picture they painted of me is less than desirable.
even if they objected to me, where was there respect for another muslim? no all muslims are not good but we are supposed to treat each other with utmost respect and courtesy. where was i in that lineup? perhaps that courtesy and respect is only extended to people who are not trying to marry a family member. people who know their place.
did they feel that their anger permitted them to strip me of my dignity? to expose me and backbite?
though elji always said "are you marrying me or my family?", the family would have destroyed us had we married so maybe all worked out for the best.
i dont love elji any less and forgive him for all of this....i guess i do. i say that because since the pain has reached its peak, the anger is setting in. i feel like the very least he could do is send me an email saying "i am sorry for what i allowed to happen in your life.". maybe its out of his control right now. but i just know that if the shoe were on the other foot, i would demand to be able to write him and tell him that i love him and im sorry for all that happened. that it was out of my control. forgive me." i would want him to have some peace. some closure. more than anything for him to know that i didnt want this to happen.
i had somone tell me that i shouldnt try to fill my emptiness with a man. you know, we are all different in the way we live life and in what we need. i do want a decent husband! im not 20 and have the rest of my life ahead of me. im 47 and we all know the older you get the harder it is. its my right as a human, a muslim, a woman to have a good and decent husband. as a muslim that is half our deen. when i met elji i wasnt even thinking to become involved with anyone..definately not looking for a husband.
elji would have been a fanstastic husband. what a blessing it was to have known him! he showed me how loving and concerned a man can be. he lifted me up so much. his family turned us into crash test dummies. but from this experience, i know i want this in my my life....a wonderful companion who really loves. who really gives. if thats filling a hole, then so be it....let me get my shovel and pack it in. inshallah i can find happiness again...permanent happiness.
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