i needed help

i think i was using this blog as a journal of sorts....sometimes i wake up with feelings of panic that overwhelm me and in the past, elji always said for me to call him if i wake up in a panic and i usually did that, he would read a prayer, talk to me and i would soon go back to sleep as would he. since i dont have that outlet anymore, i come here and start to write.

ive always been an analyzer. i rarely take things at face value and thats just the way i am. i pick things apart and try to understand it in my own way...and this includes trying to understand myself.

i just moved to a new home and in some ways it feels as if i left elji behind at the other home which has caused some of my distress. i spent so much time with him in every room of that home that it i felt him there. but its a good thing at the same time because there is nothing in this new home to remind me of him. in the other home, i remember conversations and where i was sitting and what i was doing at the time. here its just us...the kids and me alhamdulillah.

i realize that i may never have real closure to this situation. but that would help even if it was all bad news that i receive. he's married, didnt love me...anything would help so that i could put this all to bed.

let me say, that i needed (and still need as its not over yet) a friend so badly during this period. someone that understands his culture but also understood that he did love me and tried to fight for me and understands me, my fears, sadness and loss too.

i just needed someone so badly to help me through this. my friends in "real" life dont understand any of this due to the difference in our lives (no exposure to muslims, no exposure to any eastern culture).

and that is one of the reasons that this all has affected me too.....not having had any exposure to the possible horrors of pakistani culture and the control that sometimes happens in those families. the emotional blackmail. ya Allah, that i never do that to any of my children no matter what.

the combination of pak culture, losing Elji suddenly when we were fighting for a future, never hearing another word from him have all contributed to my shaky mental health.

ive never been through anything this odd and twisted in my life i dont think. all so unexpected and sickening. its truly been a shock and a very rude awakening.

plus its the first time in my life that ive not had my mom to turn to...she always listened to everything and understood and comforted me no matter what i did or what i said.

i switch between the grinding sickness of wondering what happened to cause all of this, where he is, how he is, will i ever hear his voice again and missing him, then to anger because he allowed this by going to pk in the first place when i begged him not to, allowing this to happen and then DIDNT EVEN HAVE THE EFFING DECENCY TO CONTACT ME HIMSELF AFTER ALL THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER, THE TRIP TO UK, THE "LOVE". i start to wonder if all my time was wasted and what all of this was for if he gave up so easily.

lets not even mention all of the shyte that his family said about me. ya Allah i pray i never ever for the remainder of my days treat another person, muslim or nonmuslim the way i was treated.

one of my muslimah sisters put this on her facebook page and it speaks volumes about the people around us.

"I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers." -Kahlil Gibran

i pray so hard that i get over this soon and quickly. it is SO hard on me. i try to push it to the back of my mind..but just not knowing...just NOT knowing is what kills me more than anything. not knowing and missing horribly.

if..if...if there is anyone out there that understands me...please, im here. waiting to hear from you inshallah.