Saturday, May 16, 2009

3 a.m.

........lifted by shoulders by unknown force again. pulled awake against my will. there was a message in my head.

"he did leave you behind. he left you and decided to act as if you dont exist".

that same thing happened this past weekend when i was forced awake. that time the message was.

"he got married."

i would never treat anyone this way. unmercifully. i always think other people would be as just and am disappointed when i see the worst in people.



  1. I don't think you should judge him, you have no idea what happened, leave that to God who knows exactly what happened, what was possible and what was not and what was in his heart and what was in yours. God alone knows whether he deserves punishment or compassion.

  2. i have spent the last 3 weeks giving him all the benefit of the doubt that i can give a 3 weeks he cant find one single way to let me know he is alive? this man swore not to leave me no matter what....ive held to this thread of hope. that when he returned to uk he would contact me. i dont know if he has returned or not....i feel such hurt and anger that i dont know what to do with myself....the words his brother said continuously ring in my ear....elji doesnt want a union with you anymore and he is very relieved that you are no longer in his life...that this is all over.

    i cant helpt it jane...i prayed so hard that i exhausted myself that i could hear even a word from him.

    ive told myself that he cant contact me while in pk cause if caught, well...

    then ive told myself if he really was concerned, he would do anything because he always suffered if he wasnt sure if i was ok or not...and this was in ordinary situations.

    then i remind myself that he always insisted that he will not let me go no matter

    then i go back to the words again of the brother saying elji is in the comfort of his loving family...he doesnt need you.

    its a vicious cycle..this has totally ripped me apart. a day doesnt pass that i dont cry. and i try so hard not to but it just wells up so quickly..i pray harder than ive ever prayed in my life.

    i just wish i had resolution no matter what the outcome is.

  3. you know im sitting here thinking about what you said..i dont judge him really. i know how hard it was for him to hide this relationship from his family. it took a toll..and it was hard for him to go to them but he gained such strength..i was so proud of him. im still proud of him.

    ive held this inside so one around me even has a clue that anything is going on in my head and heart.

    i always wonder if he is suffering the way i do. if he is miserable without me the way i am him. he married to another. did he give in to that. will i ever see him again.

    whatever is in store, im prepared.

    i think

  4. I've been thinking some of these things too, but didn't want to say it. If I were you I'd be really mad... but that is part of my personality.

    Whatever it is that is keeping him... culture, force... I don't know. Its not an excuse to treat you like this.

  5. Sweetie, it is completely normal for you to wonder and also be angry. Anger is a normal stage, so by all means you have a right to question where he is and who he is with.

    During my similar period when ex abrubtly filed for divorce from me without warning, while I was on a plane home from Turkey, I wanted to die. Oh gosh, I didn't care if I fell off a building or if I sat on the same toilet seat as my manager that I knew might have HIV. He was gay and always sick, always coughing.

    It took awhile to feel better, at least a month to come out of that pain alone. I don't blame you one bit for this period. Sweetie, what helped me get through it is dare I say it....sleeping pills. I had insomnia questioning the what-if's. You are still welcome to call me....Love you SO dearly!