as usual, its 6am here and ive already been awake for a couple of hours. i grow weary of waking up during the night and feeling the sadness creep in. i try to talk myself out of it. sometimes i can, sometimes i cant. a couple of nights ago, my youngest daughter and i were going to sleep. she prayed for me. "Allah dont let mommy be so sad anymore and let her sleep all night tonight and not wake up til morning". ahhh, Allah loves the small children doesnt He? that night i did sleep til the next morning and had i not needed to get her up for school, i daresay i would have actually slept late!!
it has been one month since i returned from UK. one month since i hugged him goodbye, not knowing at the time that it was a permanent goodbye hug. had i known.......well.
this is just the worst ache ive known in my life. the emptiness and silence are overwhelming. i did something last night i shouldnt have...
every night when i would come home from work, he would call or txt to see if i was leaving yet. my drive home is nearly an hour and he would talk to me via cell throughout my trip home. he was the best company.
last night, as i drove away i felt so lonely for him and that phone call....i hit speed dial for his old cell number..yeah, the one that shows his picture. of course i knew its not a working number anymore. but i guess i was pretending like everything was ok and he would answer like he always did. i would have given anything if i had heard "salam J...how ya doin?". but as usual that silence beats like a loud drum in my ears....or is that my heart?
my wish this morning.
i wish someone had an old grandmother that i could borrow. one that i could go and curl up beside her and cry. lie in her arms. and she'll not tell me ill forget him one day. not tell me that if he had loved me this wouldnt have happened. not tell me Allah didnt like this situation for me. not tell me that the love wasnt real. not tell me to just get over it and get on with my life.
she would just let me be in her arms and soothe me. comfort me. offer me safety.
.............and let me sleep there.
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