i need to dig my way out

ive become covered in mire it seems over this past year. for the sake of my own mental health and overall well being i have to find a way to dig my way out of this pit.

elji was the brightest spot that i have ever known in my life. this situation is not even 3 weeks old and it is so very painful. the people who tell me to move on, get over it, dont talk about it anymore just have no clue. though i can get through my days better, i still have periods where missing him and wondering about him just use all of my energy and nearly break me. generally when i least expect it.

i still wake up after 2 or 3 hours of sleep in a sweat, a state of panic. my mind races wildly. and its not a gradual awakening. no. im literally jerked from a deep deep sleep as if someone were lifting me up by my shoulders and prying my eyelids open.

i know its the stress, the anxiety, the sadness, the missing , the fear of the unknown, the loss of love...the loss of elji.

the grieving is unbearable at times. i talk to Allah but i wish i had a person who listened that truly understood and didnt tell me to dismiss it. i wish i had my mom.

alas, the person who understood me more than anyone in this world and never dismissed anything i had to say was elji.

had i any inkling that all of this would have ended in such a way...i dont know...would i have stopped it sooner?

i dont know if he got married. i dont know anything. i think thats what causes the panic. the unknown. he left with the best intentions of trying to convince his parents and promising to return with good news and it turned into the biggest, most unbelievable nightmare.

i always wonder what happened that led up to his cell being turned off permanently, i wonder what happened before his parents called, what happened after they called, what happened that led up to his brother txting our "break up" to me, what happened afterwards, did he suffer, is he sad, is he ok, is he missing me as much as i miss him, is he wishing for me as much as i wish for him, do the memories of our time in england play in his head as they do mine, does he hear the sound of my voice as i hear his, do our past conversations play over and over for him, does he still see us walking to the fish and chip shop to sit in the park to eat and talk, does he still hear me singing the lullaby to him til he sleeps as i hear him reading prayes to me til i sleep? i still have his shirt and smell his scent though i try not to do this too often as it really hurts me but sadly enough he will no longer have my scent as his family destroyed this gift.

i wonder i wonder and i wonder.

i ask Allah in a thousand different ways to help me to move past all of this. to be prepared if i learn that he is married. of course theres nothing i can do about any of that, but it will be such a hard blow to think of him married to another.

we had some of the most wonderful plans and beautiful dreams. i honestly thought they would come to fruition and he did too.

pipe dreams. illusions.

my comfort is this.

"Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives and the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who, when misfortune strikes them, say: `Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him is our return. Those are the ones upon whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord and it is those who are rightly guided." [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 155]

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "When Allah desires good for someone, He tries him with hardships." [Sahîh al-Bukhârî

most important...

"....But you may dislike something which is good for you, and you may like something which is bad for you. GOD knows while you do not know." (al-baqarah 2:216)