Monday, May 11, 2009

today was a wicked day

truly was a wicked day for every turn, even when i didnt mean to think of him i did anyway. everything and anything reduced me to tears and i HATE this.

i had fake conversations with him in my head...of things i would like to say if i ever get the chance to speak to him again. no im not losing it (yet) just helps to get some of the pressure off my chest.

i dont recollect ever loving anyone this way.

in an effort to take back control of my life, i changed my cell phone number. why? well it beats looking at the cell phone every couple of hours just to make sure "i didnt miss his call". and i dont want anyone in his family to EVER freaking call me again. not ever.......those conversations bordered on the insane.

second effort? im moving to another home this week...change of scenery, fresh atmosphere. this home not only was my home with my ex husband. the home we picked out together, but it is also a constant reminder of times with elji.

im sure thats a bit hard for those on the outside looking in to understand....elji and i lived a life together as best we and chat many many times daily. we talked while i cooked (i would send pics of what i cooked to him), talked while i washed dishes, while i watched tv, we watched videos on youtube together, news, even when we went to the bathroom lol. even sitting here at this computer now reminds me of each day that we sat and chatted using our webcam. we actually made our life this way. in the beginning it was just chat...we actually progressed over the months to get to this point. we did the best we could..alhamdulillah.

this is a big step for me. moving to a new environment with no reminders of anything! a big yard for my little one and inshallah a chance to move ahead.

i know these sound like extreme steps but the pain of losing him with the stress of dealing with an unknown and very different culture made this doubly hard.

we all deal with things differently, we all have to heal the best way we can.

i know ill still have days i want to just break apart and throw myself from the bridge but inshallah inshallah i can get over this and sleep throughout the night and wake up to a sunny day.

dont forget me friends!


  1. I love you Jana! You are a very brave woman! I will never forget you!

  2. Asalaam alaikum,

    Hang in there sweetie. Nobody can tell you how to get through this situation, only you can do that for yourself. People don't understand that in a situation like this there is no "closure". You don't have that sense of ending. InshaAllah until you get something like that it might remain very difficult for you for a while and that's ok. I hope all your efforts to relieve this pain are rewarded with your ease of mind.

  3. Don't forget to send those numbers to me, especially when you move and remember I said you could come here