i thought i knew pain

personal pain is really hard to deal with but when it comes to the pain of one of your children its nearly unbearable.

as you all know, only a year ago my home was bustling and thats how it always has been. bustling.

recap...husband left, mother left, sons moved out, daughter moved out but came back but spends most of her time at her brother's apartment. oldest son moved back home after 4 years but left again nearly 2 weeks ago to find his own way through life. quick math. my 6 year old and me. thats whats left at home out of a family of 8.

ive never been good at being alone and this time is no easier. i find myself aching for company in the house many times.

but last night was just a little different. im self-centered it seems. always thinking of my own agonies. astaghfirullah.

the little one kept calling me to come and watch her dance but i was "busy". i was busy busy busy and it was getting close to bed time.

occasionally, i would hear "mommy pleaseeee come watch me dance" which was always met with, "in a minute..im busy".

finally i came to her. she had dressed herself up. black pants, black shirt with silver glitter, her new black "mink" coat, black sunglasses and black shoes. she was sitting slumped on the couch, tired of waiting for her forever busy, preocuppied mother.

she was so happy. "youre here to watch me dance now?".

"yes i am."

she had lined the couch with dolls and stuffed animals. they were her audience.

i watched her with tears in my eyes because i realized that im it for her these days. if i dont pay attention no one will. i am her audience. this little girl was used to being the center of attention for alot of people and now she only had me and i was "busy"

i clapped for her and told her she was fantastic.

then we went to bed. i let her sleep with me now because i dont want her off by herself since there is no one else in the house.

i fell asleep only to awaken maybe 20 minutes later to the sound of her crying softly. she had her body pressed tightly against mine. i turned over and asked her whats wrong. she said she had a bad feeling and she was so lonely.

i held her closely in my arms and told her that i am here. she can go to sleep in my arms and she did. i wiped all of her tears away while she slept but mine flowed for this little girl.

i too often worried about my own lonliness without giving too much thought to hers.

im like her...i have a bad feeling. but for her. the pain that comes for a mother when her child is hurting.

God help me.