Wednesday, March 18, 2009

depression is not my friend.

i think it took a while for me to finally realize that i am completely depressed. i have fought this feeling of total and complete blah for a while and was actually somewhat succesful at keeping it at bay. it just seemed to overtake me within the past month.

depression packs a punch.

i was depressed but was still able to function somewhat normally but as of late, i just struggle to get out of the bed, wash my dishes, cook a decent meal if i cook at all, take a shower, go to work, pray.

memories of anything and everything that ever went wrong in my life seem to be weaseling their way around my brain constantly bringing on a sudden onslaught of tears at the worst possible times.

i dont eat properly. i looked around my computer and there were several types of snacks sitting there. ive gained weight. i found myself recently doing something ive NEVER done before. i rarely watch tv or get back into my bed in the daytime anyway, but a few times this past week you could have found me both sitting in my bed, eating junk and watching tv. and to top that off? i ate ice cream directly out of the container!!! perhaps none of that sounds drastic but those are things i just never ever do. i dont take my medication properly because im supposed to take it 3 times daily with meals. 3 meals a day?? HA. im lucky if i remember to have a decent meal. So? if i happen to remember my medication, i take it.

i cant make a decision worth a damn. i used to be able to juggle 20 problems in my head at one time and get them all sorted out eventually. now i cant seem to handle even one at a time. i just cant think!

housework? what was that?....i had laundry piling up, toys strewn about, empty glasses sitting here and there. my own room had become a disaster zone. nursing uniforms carelessly tossed to the side upon coming home from work instead in the usual hamper in my bathroom.

work. i didnt even want to lift my head in the morning to go and would have gladly never gone back and accepted some form of government assistance.

i can hear my ex husband now saying derisively, "in islam, there is no such thing as depression. no mental problems"

yeah ok. what the HELL ever to that. how come you have PSYCHIATRISTS practicing in egypt then??

a couple of days ago while lying in my bed feeling miserable as usual, it occurred to me that im actually totally depressed and that it was up to me to change it no matter how hard. i had been lying sloppily in my bed all morning talking to Elji on the phone. he knew i was having a hard time and had been praying so hard for me. Allah always listens to Elji, i swear. after we hung up, i had this urge to get out of this funk. even though i still felt heavy, i made myself get up and go straight to the shower and then proceed to spruce myself up. i did not get back into my bed that day.

thats was also the same day that kylee was sad and lonely. im sure my own sense of despair was rubbing off on her.

i sucked!

i cleaned all the snacks away from the computer desk and put them back in their proper places in the kitchen.

ive scrubbed one of my bathrooms from top to bottom with bleach. actually cooked a decent meal. put away all of kylees toys and even vacuumed!!

even though i feel the depression creeping around and trying to worm its way back in, i refuse..i refuse...i refuse.

i want me back, inshallah. even if me is a 40 something chubette!


  1. it happens always!
    there are many times when I leave everything, like you like studies, hobbies, eating, grooming...but I never perceived it as a depressive signal. Instead I leave everything and go out and spend time watching ppl and life and relax myself with yoga...and boom...I am back in the track.

    so, nothing to worry, ok, life doesn't always go at the same pace....right?

  2. I wonder when your husband became a Dr? he sounds like an idiot!

    I've been through a lot of depression for years, lots of ups and downs. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I'm on medication for it, and that helps me a lot.

    I hope you feel better soon!

  3. just remember it is an illness and you need medication you can not snap out of it

  4. Aw, hon. I'm thinking of you. I was very happy to read the end of the blog. Love ya, Kris

  5. Yay! Jana I sent you an invite. I'm praying for you to be happy dear one. I know you will be. I love you dearly!

  6. Aslamu alakum jana did you ever try rukiyyah for your depression? It may help also hijamah (blod cupping) and increase you dikr and adkar too. try to get out in the sun more often if only for a walk, in the meantime you are in my duas sister may Allah give you perfect heeling ameen.