Sunday, March 16, 2008

and life goes on

ok. my mother served "her time" in the nursing home and was released this past thursday. but not without alot of drama prior to her release date. the sister who lives near her declared that she had gone to a judge to become my mother's legal guardian and that she was going to leave my mother in the nursing home because she was better there. her health was better and she was happy. she said that she was going over my head and that there was nothing i could do about it.

sure! she has nurses taking care of her....but sister did you forget that im a nurse.....for 20 years now? and not only a nurse, but my mothers daughter too?? who loves her mother dearly and doesnt want her living in a place where she doesnt want to be and has strangers taking care of her?

oh boy, my sister............the devil was in her. she called me saint jana, that i thought i was so perfect and a nurse and a doctor and a psychiatrist and who knows what else. she nearly got high insulting me. she went on to say that she didnt want our mother living in her home and that she had had enough of her. i reminded her for the hundredth time that our mother didnt have to live with her, she could live with me.

i tried to keep my cool but i had had enough of this whole situation. i couldnt figure out for the life of me why my sister preferred her in a nursing home as opposed to being in the home of one of her children. i told her that just because she was the only one of us actually living in our hometown didnt give her the ultimate right to decide what was best for our mother. i had a few more choice words to say but i was talking to a person who was temporarily insane!

im the youngest of 7. out of the 7, only 2 of us would accept her into our home. my sister had convinced the other 5 that our mother was a lunatic, totally confused and could never be well outside of a facility.

also turns out that she was lying in a sense. when she said that she went to a judge she did. BUT the judge asked her isnt there anyone that wanted to take care of my mother in their home. my sister admitted to her that she had 2 sisters who wanted her. the judge told my sister that this is the preference! not a nursing home. if there is any family willing to care for her then so be it.

my mother has been in our hometown since she married. had never lived anywhere else even when my father died. so, somewhere in the middle of all the flying insults from my sister, turned out that my sister wanted her to stay in our hometown so that she could visit my mother because she loves her (she does) but she didnt want our mother to actually live in her home because she gets on her nerves.

understood. but this is what you want, sister, not what our mother wants. why on earth would you want her living there to suit your needs. another thing? my mother was living in the lockdown unit too. whiles she was there, i would call her every other day. i could hear the whoops and yells of the truly advanced alzheimers cases around her. the nurses said that if my mother stayed there permanently, then and only then would they do a psychological eval and let her live in the "regular" section of the nursing home.

anyway, i told my sis that im coming to get her! she said oh really?? really? well you better be here to get her on friday or else she'll be standing on the street alone waiting for a ride.

ok i will.

friday........2 days ago. the other sister and i both arrived in our hometown. the other sister and i had already talked several times by phone. the angry sister had already called this sister and convinced her that she had no clue how to take care of an elderly human being. but it didnt matter.

i packed what my mother needed. got her medicines. my doctor accepted my mother as a patient. my sister (the one that wants her also) rented a storage room. put the largest things there.

my mother was mad as hell. why are you packing my things? I AM NOT LEAVING MY HOME. i sat down with her and told her point blank. "you have 2 choices mother. go home with either me or june (sister), or you will have to go back to the nursing home. our other sister will give your apartment away". it was hard and i did cry because i didnt want her to go home with me and be angry with me because she thought i was taking her from her home. last thing my sister asked me was to bring her back if my mother wanted. she said that the nurses told her that she has 30 days to return without any glitches from medicare. my sister said that the nursing and therapy staff loved her. yes thats good, ill consider it. i asked my mother then if she wanted to go back and she said not on your life!!!!!!

the end result of all of this? she is here now. she is in her bed drinking coffee and watching game shows.

im nervous. i dont know how this will turn out. but i would rather her be here than go back to the nursing home. there may come a day that she has to go. but its not today.


  1. i think you did the right thing!!! I hope this new road for your mum and you is clear of trouble and she can adjust to live with you (and you with her) without much problems.

  2. thank you. and she has been great today. we sat and talked for a long time. i really wanted her to understand why she was here and not at her home. she called all of her friends back home and my sisters called to check on her. she is going to bed now. last thing she said was, "hey, i made it through the day without getting homesick!" lol. i know she will have those days....but inshallah all will be well.

  3. it's hard for them to leave their homes but she could no longer care for herself.. you did the right thing jana. hopefully your sister (june) can take her for the occasional visit so that you get a break every now and then.

    i know it already has been hard on you from your previous posts where you've noted her deterioration. that's not likely to improve. spend your time with her talking of her past.. take notes or record conversations while she still has clarity of days gone by.. her youth, when she met your father, etc. these are stories that you will want to remember and times that she will probably enjoy reminising about and telling to you and your children. please be sure to remember to take care of jana as well during her time with you.

    i'm glad that she and your hubby like each other so much.. that makes it a whole lot easier on you.

    wishing you all the best my friend. contact me if you ever need to compare notes, need encouragement or just want to vent.. you know i'll understand seeing as i'm in the same boat here looking after my 89 yr old mother.

  4. youre the best karen!! you know that. but you know? she is actually better. when she was so majorly confused it was as i suspected and she had a bladder infection plus pneumonia. she still cant remember when she took her pills or not and needs help cooking. but im letting her do as much as possible for herself. i just run ahead of her and set heavy pans out and such lol. shes doing great alhamdulillah!!

  5. Jana, a thousand hugs from me to you!!! I am so proud of you! I admire you so much for doing such a noble deed and taking your mother in. When times get tough--and there will be tough times--remind yourself that you are doing right by your mother. Remind yourself that you are doing a very noble thing. Lots of hugs to you!