Sunday, January 31, 2010

division of secular life vs spiritual life

...ive gathered, now, that dividing secular life and spiritual life is rather hard to do.

i used to write most of my musings here but i seem to write more in the other place...when i do write.

there is not a whole lot going on in life in general these days and as ive thought more about it, its really my own fault.

i have a full time job in my home town which is much better for me than the traveling i was doing and being cancelled from my shifts, many times not even finding this out until i had driven an hour and entered the nurses station!!

the job is not the best but it pays the bills and i try to keep this in mind! alhamdulillah

i dont hear that much from my 7 year old's father...was daily. asking forgiveness and can he return. i mulled that idea over many times but knowing his history and qur'anic ruling regarding divorce, i nixed it.

i told him that i will remarry one day and he always became incensed, demanding i dont dare mention remarriage.....erm dude, we are divorced and you packed and left remember.

thats been nearly 2 years ago, by the way, that he packed and left.

i think that is one of the main reasons there is not much going on in my life..i buried all of that and was determined to get on with life.

i did bury it...get on with life? kinda.

i think it haunted me and it has started to nag at me as of late. wondering what all of the effort was for. trips back and forth to egypt. time of my life. immigration. homeland security. how many thousands of dollars for airfare. one child and a miscarriage later, i find myself alone.

was there wife number 2? yes? no? am not sure, but i feel certain i was a vicitim of hidden polygyny. Allahu alim.

and i think this thought is what has started to awaken me at nights....the oh so subtle signs that i should have paid more attention to. oh well, being a good old american southern girl who grew up in one husband/one wife families....i didnt know to look for those signs. how ignorant i was going into this marriage.

i know much better now.

my children are basically grown and the eldest has moved to another state but the others are at home.

my second oldest son has just entered local college in a dental hygiene program and wishes to be a dentist eventually, God willing!

3rd son cant quite decide though his main goal is the NBA. God willing on that too.

my oldest daughter has started taking necessary steps to become an XR tech!! God willing.

and then there's me and my 7 year old. she is an excellent student at school and a struggling student at the mosque 3 days a week. i admire her tenacity though. she pulls out my biggest Qur'an each night in bed that has transliteration and practives each surah she is learning at school... she tries so hard.

and me? struggling to stay afloat with these kids. hope to remarry and live semi happily ever after one day!


  1. i wish and pray that all you wish and struggle for will come true one day and they will, just be patient and optimistic :)

  2. AOA,

    I pray that Allah SWT grants all your wishes and your dua's.

    I just wrote you a comment, but got lost so am not sure if it went thru. or not. I will try to see if i can re-write it again without missing anything lol

    Your Ex sounds like a very weak person. I don't understand what kind of a man he is, forget about what kind of a muslim man. How could a father not long for his child and not love his child to be around her while she is growing up. What the hell is wrong with him? how could he just pack up and leave without a notice. Did he eventually tell you why he left? When you hurt someone (in his case you and your daughter), you will never be happy and content with your life cause the hurt that you have cause will always haunt you.

    I can understand your frustration. All that you have done for him and at the end this is how he repaid you. But you have to understand, that at the end you came out a winner because you have an amazing wonderful daughter as a result. Inshallah one day you will find a good decent person to share your life with.

    Oh, here is a site for your daughter to learn her Surah's from. It is really neat, you can pick the Surah of your choice, reciter of your choice and translator of your choice.

  3. Salaamu alaikum!
    I know this is a late comment, but since this blog is private I don't have automatic updates.

    You have gone through so much in your life. A lot of it sad. :( I really hope you are able to find a new husband who will treat you right!! Have you started looking for a husband? I know, you're probably way too busy.
    And you are going to think I am crazy for this, but how about trying some Islamic Muslim Matrimonial website? ( is free for women). You have to be very careful, but at the same time I think you can know if a person is serious or not, and if you find a husband who inshallah practices his deen he won't do what your ex did. Man, I really REALLY hope and pray you find a new spouse.

    But Mashallah, you have so many children! You are a really good mommy awwwwwwww.