Tuesday, December 23, 2008

ive crashed.

ive crashed, burned, folded, sunk.

im tearing up at the slightest thing. everything is depressing me and i fear that im falling into a pit that will envelope me.

my whole life has changed over the last year and nothing is right. i dont pity myself....i just keep trudging.

but i seem to live in silence. im wrapped up in a human that is jana. i hear her talking to people, i hear her laughing, i hear her talking to her children.

but thats the "outside" jana. she's an actress.

im the "inside" jana. the frail one, the one who is struggling.

im like the accountant huddled at his desk with one tiny light, struggling late in the night to get the numbers right and cant stop til its all resolved.

thing is, i cant seem to get it resolved and lately, i've not a soul to talk to about anything. i dont trust people with my most intimate details. Elji yeah, but he is away at his parents home and we dont talk as we usually do while he is there.

when the final draft of my islamic divorce arrive, it takes one signature to end that part of my life that was my marriage.

its the icing on the cake....the cherry on top for all that has happened in 2008.

and i suck. i feel like walking off the face of the earth.


  1. im sorry that u feel that way. :( after hardship comes ease.

  2. Jana I'm sorry things are shitty right now. You've had a tough year, maybe it's a good thing it's almost over.

    Be brave, things have a way of turning around.

  3. Dear,

    Every human goes through this pain at some point in life for This / or / That reason. Believe me.

    I wish to lead you to some reading that try to recollect every time I am Sad or for that matter even Happy:

    Quote - That which give you ultimate joy at one time is the same thing that gives equal pain at another point in time.

    So this inside 'Jana' is unaffected and insulated. Try to find the real her. One that is pained and hurt is just the external Jana. I hope u can understand.

    Here is a link if you are intersted in more!

  4. Oh Jana I feel your pain, I have found a wonderful life coach on the internet Rhonda Britten she wrote a book which was a best seller called fearless living,
    link to her blog wow is all I can say extract from her book are on the blog Finding Me blew me away as did her next entry. Please do take care of yourself and be kind and gentle to yourself, as painful as this journey of life has taken you, things can only improve from here onwards, may God bless you and your family