Sunday, December 21, 2008

is that the light at the end of the tunnel....or just a really shiny roadblock?

is not easy.
well, its easier when the party youre divorcing is across the country and you dont have to be around them.

divorce in islam.
is not easy.
no matter where the party youre divorcing is located.

so, yes ill have a civil divorce too but its necessary for me to have an islamic divorce also since we married under sharia law. sharia are the laws that muslims abide by that were derived from the Qur'an and teachings of the prophet, Mohamed, pbuh. so...we married under sharia law, we will divorce under sharia law.

it sounds simple. go to the imam (religious leader of the mosque), present your case, the papers drafted, divorce granted.

not so simple....most imams are male oriented (lol not to mention they are ALL males). i was often told to "work on your marriage"even though there was no marriage left to work on. i would give the details of the downfall and still be told that God doesnt like divorce and to seek counseling.

ok one would say just go to a court of law and get a divorce and forget the imam. well..i cant do that. i have to free myself both ways. i take the laws of islam seriously as does my husband. if i dont divorce him islamically then he can still come back into our home anytime he feels like it and re stake his claim to me. and thats the last thing i want to happen. not after all the crap he's done to me.

anyway, the imam im working with now has listened to my plea and is drafting the divorce papers for me. ill actually be receiving an anulment since my husband totally disregarded our marriage contract and abandoned me for another (though he denies it to this day).

my husband himself. he knew for a while that i was seeking divorce though he didnt know that i was having a hard time finding an imam to take my case seriously.

let me explain something as briefly as i can. there are 3 types of divorce in islam.
1. talaq...which is divorce that is intiated by the man only.

2. khula...which is divorce initiated by the woman but still needs to be agreed upon by the man.

3. faskh....which is an anulment initiated by the woman on grounds of abuse, abandonment, unislamic behaviour, infidelity, etc etc.

my husband never would offer me talaq though i asked for it many times. khula? he would still have to agree at the end of the day and he still would never do that. i had no idea about faskh. i think very few women know about faskh. in the male dominated world of islam, they dont WANT us to know about faskh. they dont want us to know that if our marriage is complete crap that we CAN walk away without having to wait for the husband to agree.

anyway, once my husband realized , yesterday, that i had discovered faskh, he nearly fell apart. he knew i could have my divorce. til that moment, he was sure he could stroll back in at whim. he cried, he begged, he said he misses me and our daughter. please be patient and kind with him. please..please..please.

i reminded him that he wasnt patient or kind with me when i cried when he left me and that i never wanted to share a life with him again after all of this misery.

he spoke to our daughter and started asking her if she wanted to live with him. that it was snowing and that they could build a snowman and that he was alone and had no one to play in the snow with him, etc etc etc,. now i would never discourage the relationship between those two. of course i wouldnt. i dont even talk badly about him to my daughter. but i didnt appreciate the guilt trip he was putting on her because then she was sad and said she needed to go live with her father because he is alone now.

he said he was trying so hard to get home. get home? after 9 months, NOW youre trying because you know i want to divorce? no , he knew i wanted a divorce but now he realized that i knew about faskh. that it was within my hands to obtain it without him being involved.

his cell phone battery died, but i spent the better part of the day thinking and feeling guilty. i started to question i being hasty? am i doing the right thing? am i doing all of this for the right reasons? am i making him miserable and alone?

his roadblock made of guilt trips seemed to be working. it slowed me down.

i spent the better part of the deep night talking to elji about all of this. he is so understanding and patient. he could have gotten irritated and felt threatened because i let my husband make me feel guilty. but no. he never gets irritated with me. i dont even think i deserve that patience sometimes. i irritate myself.

i dont like to make anyone feel bad. this is just part of my fiber. but i have to remind myself of all my husband has done since we married and probably before we married also. he created this entire situation by himself.

i just need strength. no one else can do this for me. Allah and me.

but prayers are accepted anytime!!


  1. Don't let him make you feel guilty. He made his decision when he left. I hope that the divorce we'll be an easy process and he doesn't give you too much trouble.
    People don't realize what they have until it's gone and I'm sure he's realizing that now.

  2. asalaam alaikum

    you are in my dua.

    and I remember those guilty feelings all too well. another sister I know is going through divorce and has those too. They are all too common, but when it's all done and over, the relief will feel better than you could ever imagine.

  3. thanks to the two of you. he is making me feel live I'VE done something wrong by divorcing him. and you know what? suddenly he is pricing tickets back home...thats my fear. he will show up here. thats the last thing i want

  4. oh man, DONT BELIEVE A WORD OF IT!! he is such a freak, i swear. look at what HE'S done. hes a freak for saying that.

    u have done NOTHING wrong. ok? Please believe that.


    im here for u, a pm, email, call..erm and a state away. well i jsut Pmed u.

    i think this is a crucial time for someone to be there for u. i think with too much on ur head, the thoughts could be confusing too.

    and ofcourse ur in my duas too.