the mind...my weird mind.

i was reading someone else's blog a little while ago. one of her readers commented that her mother had passed and somewhere in the subliminal passages of my mind, i was thinking that i knew how she felt. i sympathized.

wait..what?

WTF? somewhere in the depths of my brain, something has made me feel that my mother is dead. ive addressed the situation with my mother in earlier posts but she is in a nursing home since july, i think.

ive talked to her once and that once was hard for me to do. she sounded so tiny yet was coherent. said she liked it there. had friends there.

i guess ive been a nurse too long. i know the workings of nursing homes. i know things that outsiders dont and will never know. so it was easier for my siblings to accept such a bullshit living situation for our mother.

but i know. i know how life is there. i know what goes on when administration leaves, what goes on when the family members go home for the day, i know....yes i do.

when i was going through my depression recently, i was in worse shape because i could always call my mother and talk to her. i didnt want anything from her except to listen. but i was thinking now i dont even have her. i didnt realize at the time that i was feeling as if she were dead.

that was not an conscious decision that i made. somehow it grew by itself.

i dont even talk to my siblings anymore.

ive suffered several losses over the past few months, some that ive not even addressed here and wont address here as its not up for public discussion at all...not now anyway.

i guess im stronger than i ever knew because somehow ive managed to keep myself from disappearing completely.