can i tear up some paper or kick the door?

that is frustration at its finest!! you know, my job suffered over the past months due to the recession (yes nurses suffered too) so i took a new job in my town so that i wouldnt have to travel anymore and it was steady work.

ive been there nearly 3 months now and i feel like screaming for the hills. the job itself is not different than most that ive had. nursing work is nursing work. but the people i work with make me want to just get a check at the beginning of the month.

i should just say thank you God for giving me this job but the drama at work just isnt conducive to a peaceful work life.

the hours are so fantastic. monday through friday. 7-3 shift. weekends off. but the weekends grow shorter and shorter due to the dread i feel when i see monday approaching.

trying to think what to do to be honest. do i keept the wonderful hours but dreadful working conditions or go back to more unsteady work but peace of mind?

what does one do when they see a blank canvas?

life changes. we take all the turns and they lead to good and bad places. i dont know if any of you have a restless mind like i have. a restless heart. i dont know if im ever satisfied or if i can ever be in the future.

i live the day to day. work, home, family..just like a normal person. but my mind never rests. ive never stopped longing for the extra things. no not material things. things that satisfy my soul.

i find them temporarily and then i get restless again.

i love God. i fear God. i want to do the right thing. but i grow tired. sometimes i just want to stop striving and just sit down and do nothing but i know thats not an option.

many people so they wouldnt change their life for anything because then they wouldnt be the person they are today. brave answer with many kudos to you but thats not always the smartest answer is it?

i would change quite a few things because some of those things that i wish i could change...well they made me a sour person in some aspects. a more impatient person. a needier person.

i WOULD change those parts of my life that just didnt have to be.

im getting old. i dont know where my life will go. thats the blank canvas. yes im jana. yes im a nurse. yes im a mother...yes im a...a what? what else is there to me? a blank person living by rote.

i miss my mom so much. yes shes still alive but i miss her home. and her fried cornbread. and even her disgusting buttermilk which i wouldnt touch for a million dollars.

this post is pointless i suppose. i havent posted in a long time. there has to be something better in this life.