as much as ive tried, i cant seem to find the brightness in any day. i hate what life has dealt me at this point. i try not to resent, i try to accept what Allah has given me and forge ahead but its damned hard. im not sure whats going to happen at this point but i do know that my gut stays in a constant roll and im sick of it.
another thing? what happened to friends that just simply offered their hand when you needed one to hold? what happened to shoulders when you needed one to cry on? what happened to "im here for you no matter what." why do friends feel the need to tell what youve done wrong, how youve done wrong, when you did wrong and how they would just love to shake some sense into you. sure some will say they do it cause they care but why not just listen when i need that?? because im confiding doesnt mean i always am seeking advice. just an ear at times.
we've all gone through things in our lives that others may not understand, may not sympathize with, may not have done it that way themselves....but when did we all become so hard and remote that we cant even just be a friend and listen. since when do we all have to have the same decisions, live life the same way, all feel the same feelings and when did we all start not understanding just because another doesnt think or feel the same way. when did we decide that when a person isnt resilient and doesnt bounce back quickly that they are weak and a lesser person. that that person is no longer the person you thought they were.
i am me. i am the me i have always been. i have not changed..but i HAVE been through a situation that no person alive should have to go through. but i did and at this point im still going through it.
i have been judged, spit on and slandered by an entire family, judged and shaken by friends. all in the matter of ONE MONTH.
i am not having an easy time at all. whose fault? why does it have to be anyones fault. why cant it just be the circumstances of the time. just be whats going on in my life. why does their have to be fault.
someone wrote me and said you talk about elji as if he were your hero... a reader from this blog as a matter of fact. said that i had lived my entire life without him and had him for only one year of that life..get over it.
yeah well you know what? he was my hero. and i dont regret a single moment that i spent with him. yes he and i made some major mistakes and i have no doubt that we're paying for those mistakes now. but i dont regret meeting him. i dont regret loving him. i dont regret anything except ever telling his family the way we did.
i honestly dont know what will become of elji and me...i dont know yet....Allahu alim.
i have had maybe 2 or 3 ppl who just listened and gave me a hug when i needed it. and i love them dearly. that didnt say jana youre insane, nuts, you should get over it, you should be shaken, youre an idiot...etc etc etc.
between the putdowns from his family and the putdowns from my friends...ive just had enough.
am i angry? yes a bit. at the whole situation. at the entire thing.
i wake up each day praying that something will get better...that something will give.....that i can stop my head from whirling. that through all of this either elji or me will gain some strength from Allah. i pray and i pray and i pray.
i just want my life back. i want my life back.
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