Sunday, May 24, 2009

ive yet to see a sunny day

as much as ive tried, i cant seem to find the brightness in any day. i hate what life has dealt me at this point. i try not to resent, i try to accept what Allah has given me and forge ahead but its damned hard. im not sure whats going to happen at this point but i do know that my gut stays in a constant roll and im sick of it.

another thing? what happened to friends that just simply offered their hand when you needed one to hold? what happened to shoulders when you needed one to cry on? what happened to "im here for you no matter what." why do friends feel the need to tell what youve done wrong, how youve done wrong, when you did wrong and how they would just love to shake some sense into you. sure some will say they do it cause they care but why not just listen when i need that?? because im confiding doesnt mean i always am seeking advice. just an ear at times.

we've all gone through things in our lives that others may not understand, may not sympathize with, may not have done it that way themselves....but when did we all become so hard and remote that we cant even just be a friend and listen. since when do we all have to have the same decisions, live life the same way, all feel the same feelings and when did we all start not understanding just because another doesnt think or feel the same way. when did we decide that when a person isnt resilient and doesnt bounce back quickly that they are weak and a lesser person. that that person is no longer the person you thought they were.

i am me. i am the me i have always been. i have not changed..but i HAVE been through a situation that no person alive should have to go through. but i did and at this point im still going through it.

i have been judged, spit on and slandered by an entire family, judged and shaken by friends. all in the matter of ONE MONTH.

i am not having an easy time at all. whose fault? why does it have to be anyones fault. why cant it just be the circumstances of the time. just be whats going on in my life. why does their have to be fault.

someone wrote me and said you talk about elji as if he were your hero... a reader from this blog as a matter of fact. said that i had lived my entire life without him and had him for only one year of that life..get over it.

yeah well you know what? he was my hero. and i dont regret a single moment that i spent with him. yes he and i made some major mistakes and i have no doubt that we're paying for those mistakes now. but i dont regret meeting him. i dont regret loving him. i dont regret anything except ever telling his family the way we did.

i honestly dont know what will become of elji and me...i dont know yet....Allahu alim.

i have had maybe 2 or 3 ppl who just listened and gave me a hug when i needed it. and i love them dearly. that didnt say jana youre insane, nuts, you should get over it, you should be shaken, youre an idiot...etc etc etc.

between the putdowns from his family and the putdowns from my friends...ive just had enough.

am i angry? yes a bit. at the whole situation. at the entire thing.

i wake up each day praying that something will get better...that something will give.....that i can stop my head from whirling. that through all of this either elji or me will gain some strength from Allah. i pray and i pray and i pray.

i just want my life back. i want my life back.


  1. Jana
    I'm sorry to hear that people are treating you like that right now. Its as if they have never had heart break in their lives. The person that said he was only in your life for a year so get over it... we can have people in our lives for 20 + years that don't make the same impact as someone can in just a day.. so to me that was just stupid to say.

    I do know how you feel. You are shattered. Your heart actually hurts, and it goes all the way to your hands when you really think about him. You close your eyes and just long for it to be better again. For him to be there, and for nothing to be wrong.

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain. If I could take it away I would. I do wish that there was a way that he could come back to you. While its Islamicaly correct to obey your parents, you only have to do so when they in turn are also being islamicaly correct. I would hope that he could see that the culture of what his parents are demanding is not Islamic at all. And if he were going to turn a blind eye to something why not this? Why not stand up for you, and for what he wants, rather than cave to their insane demands? Is his family rejecting you because you are not Pakistani? Because you are a revert? Because you are older than he is? Did they have some fantasy in their mind of some cousin marrying him? Its all so frustrating. I'm sure I didn't need to tell you that.

    Anyway, I imagine that was no help at all.. just me rambling. May Allah make this easy for you, and give you back a beautiful sunny day.

  2. older yes, not pak yes...there are many reasons but i think the being older and the fact of how we met are the biggest problems.

    actually J, that did help alot...for someone just to say i know how you feel...i know how you feel. you actually made me cry just saying i know how you feel and you wish things could go back to the way they were.

    you know, for the longest ive wanted to belong to a muslim family...a family that really loves Allah. i wanted to know his dad and be part of his family. the thought of actually having an entire family to spend islamic holidays with was so wonderful. like a dream come true. and even though i knew that many of his family members wouldnt like me, i was still in heaven just knowing i would be with him for holidays and jumaah and iftars and and and.....i was so happy. so happy. not only did they take elji from me, they took that dream of belonging to a family of muslims. of having a family to go to for the holidays....and their i looked forward to having his dad as a father in law. the gentle, loving crying writing this now because it was such a dream.

    i used to actually have dreams of learning from his father. elji loves his father so much and i heard such beautiful stories about him and even read warm things about him on the internet. he is well known in his area and all that encountered him..muslim and non muslim loved him. i felt so blessed thinking that this man would be my father in law.

    i go between horrific pain to anger with elji for giving in to their demands. their anger. their everything....i want to say how did you ever say you loved me. how did you ever say you would never leave me no matter what. how did you say that i will never spend another ramadan or eid alone...that youll be with me did you just give me away and think i would be ok.

    jamilah..thank you so much for you words. thank you. jazakallah khair..

  3. I hate to sound so cynical where we read thet part you said "I wake up everyday" why yes, yes you do and need to start finding the sunshine in just that fact. If you've ever stumbled upon my blog you might be thinking...uh hypocritical much and perhaps I am but, we all have our slumps. Life has perhaps dealt you the cards but you're still holding a hand. It's up to you to determine the path by which to take in your life. It's also up to you make the best possible hand given the cards, remember how many more cards there are in a deck. I haven't been reading for long and so don't know who Elji is but I DO hope it gets easier. Maybe you could start smaller, a brighter layout or a new pair of shoes and work up the bigger issues. It wouldn't be a BIG issue without smaller details. Break it down and then you won't need a hero because the villian will be so small you can step on it.

  4. Oh sweetie, I hear you! Sometimes, on my blog I only want to hear the good stuff and leave the bad behind, but not everyone will let me.

    I SO agree about why do we all have to have the same life. Habibty, misery loves company and along the way on this journey you will see a few who wish it for you. They seek to ensure that you are more miserable than they are. They are certainly getting something out of it which is feeling better about themselves.

    And you know what? I LOVE that he was your hero.

    Perhaps this commenter has never known true love and at the very least is not a convert who knows the loneliness. That some of us can't turn to our dads or male relatives. Period.

    I love the new layout sweetie. You always surprise me with these.

    Yes, it is not your fault this happened. Some may seek to blame you, but don't allow it dear. Mashallah for moderating comments. Don't allow any anons, until you sort this out-who this is. Hope that Feedjit provides answers. Go private sweetie if you need to, I don't want you worrying about this on top of everything else.

    Love you, always here dear. I have been so busy, but will come by everyday and check on you from now on.

  5. lisa i will write you an email ok sister?? i love you so much too..dont we have a hard time? lol. we need to write a collective book together one day inshallah.