im afraid

.........that she will put her in a nursing home without me knowing it.

what would i do.


you know why my sister said she wasnt doing well????? because my mother is diabetic and ate 3 sugary doughnuts that a visitor brought to her home.

because they were playing a card game and suddenly my mother couldnt remember how to play.

because my mothers visitor took her to play bingo and on the way home, my mother couldnt remember where they were or where they were going.

dementia. i think that all goes along with it.


have you ever?

have you ever entered a nursing home and seen the residents sitting by their windows waiting for anyone to visit?

have you ever entered a nursing home and seen the residents sitting in a wheelchair with their face perpetually down because noone sees them, noone looks at them, they are not real anymore?

i have and more.

mother, mother! mother! can i sit by you again and laugh like we used to? can you hold my children and cook for them? mother?

how much can a heart break

my sister called me tonight, yes the one who is caring for my mother. she told me that she was taking our mother to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can put her in a nursing home for rehab for about 30 days. rehab? rehab for what?! there is no rehab for dementia!! i said what exactly do you think rehab will do for her? she said that my mother is not doing well. and i told her didnt i tell you to send her to me?? she said yes you did, but she will exhaust you.

exhaust me?

exhaust me?

didnt we all exhaust her when she gave birth to us? didnt we exhaust her as she got up with us during the night, cared for us when we were sick, took us to the doctor, when our father died didnt we really exhaust her? 7 children. 7 children she had..has.

we owned a grocery store. my father, god rest his soul, died without a penny of life insurance. his brothers and sisters took our grocery store from us. we were well off financially before they took our source of income.

but not after he died. no. she struggled with her businesses. there were times we had nothing in the refrigerator. there were times that i had no clothes for school and had to rummage through my sisters old clothes to find something to wear. and no they didnt fit either.

wasnt she exhausted?

with all that we put her through growing up........did she ever turn her back one single time? no

my sister said that she talked with "the others" and they said "do what you have to do" what the hell? i said, who? who did you talk to that said do what you have to do? well not everybody, just one of them. oh really?

i will come to get her. take her to the doctor tomorrow and see what he says. i told her that mother will never be cared for properly in a nursing home. ive worked in them off and on for 20 years dont you think i know what goes on?

i am not turning my back on her. she is so ...........................pitiful.

she is so frail.

weak

cant remember how to cook eggs.

she just cant.

not anymore.

i love her.

i spoke to her after i talked to my sister.

she was laughing that laugh. my mothers laugh.

help me God. i dont know either.

maybe boring is preferable

so i really wasnt complaining about my marriage. on the contrary. but even if i longed for excitement, which i dont, i read some of my sisters blogs and come away with a sadness that is disquieting. i usually read the blogs and then sit motionless for a few minutes trying to reabsorb and assess what ive just read. i wish i knew what to do to help these sisters. i have always known that men are heartless, many of them anyway. but the husbands of these sisters.....how do they get to the point that they are at in life now? how do you step on your wife and dust your feet on her. how do you lose yourself in the moment, in the heat? what makes a man become so inconsiderate and irresponsible?

God help all of you because, Allahu alim, it could be me one day.


i wish all of you ladies knew that i read your blogs and ache for you...obligations, meandering muslim, blossoms of thought, my life as a muslim and a few more.

i stand accused

you know, ive been accused of a lot in my life. you dont like this, you dont like that, whats wrong with your brain. why do u keep ppl at arms length.

well yes some of what ppl say IS true. i dont like some things, i dont like some ppl, i DO keep some ppl at arms length......actually i keep some ppl at broomstick length!!

well i usually have my reasons. in general, i try to find the good in ppl. i often make the mistake of thinking that all ppl are decent and try to do the right thing. when i find out that they dont, i dont push them away. but when i see that they are dishonest, judgemental, unfaithful, lying....well thats when they get pushed away. thats perhaps when i dont like them.

it takes alot for me not to like a person. alot. and i can even take some abuse repeatedly as long as it is mild. make the excuses for the other person.

its because i know that we are not all the same, its because i know that we are not cut from the same cloth, its because i know that noone can think the same that i dont push ppl away quickly.

i appreciate ppls differences. i am different from you and you from me. but that doesnt make one better than the other.

ppl that irritate me the most are judgemental ppl. ones who look at you and see something different than what they have and decide that you arent quite up to par. no i dont mean material things. who cares about material things. i mean mentally, religiously, spiritually.

someone recently told me that they have to make excuses for me because i am not at the same point in religious faith that they are.

shes psychic i guess.

i dont think that any 2 ppl can be on the same level. because we are all different. we think differently. we see things differently. but that doesnt make one wrong and one right. and when a person thinks they can ever know what goes on in a persons heart or mind, then they actually drop themselves a notch. but thats for them to deal with. everyone has faults....everyone. but some ppl have a tendancy to forget their own and focus on others.

ppl that snap and get angry easily. well its not that i dont like them, its those that i usually put at arms length. become a little leary of ppl who snap out answers defensively.

so a person who is judgemental and snappy? that combination gets broomstick length. i dont care for fitnah. i dont like to argue and refuse to get my blood pressure elevated because of it. i pick and choose battles. somethings are not worth raising my voice over. sometimes there are things that are worth fighting for but the other person has become what??? judgemental and snappy so i just get quiet and say ok and go the other way.

doesnt mean i wont help them if they need it, of course i will. as a matter of fact, you will find me extending a hand to even the strangest of strangers. i am all for unity.

am i perfect? nahhh so majorly far from it. i have alot to work on in my own life. but if anyone feels pushed away? sorry. i dont mean to make anyone feel bad. but if i stepped away from you, i usually have a reason.

my husband and i

we are probably the worlds most boring couple. we rarely go out except to have a meal. once in a blue moon a movie. we stay cooped up in our bedroom watching cnn, fox news, discovery, history channel, national geographic. we cook together or one of us cooks for the other. we make a big pot of coffee and bring the other his or her morning, noon, afternoon, night cup. i dont drink hot tea too much so i brew a cup for him. we discuss each other, our jobs, our marriage, the family, ALOT of politics and news. sometimes we turn the tv off....he reads his books that are beside his side of the bed and i read a book from my side. generally its an islamic book, but our tastes differ radically. we go online...me on my desktop, he on his laptop. sometimes sitting side by side. sometimes we both watch things on the same screen.....things that we both enjoy. barack obama speeches for one!! we love him. we pray together, he is my imam. i stand behind him.

oh yeah we argue too, not as much as we did when we first started living together (after our marriage i mean). we have both learned to let things ride alhamduliilah.

so see, we dont have a fabulous life. well yes we do. we have a very decent life. we suffered alot in the beginning, we've been through some tortuous events but it has made us a better couple.

subhanallah.

am i crazy?

thats what she asked me. my mother.....when she called me just now. she said that they took her car and her bicycle. i said gently...i know mother i know she said oh who told you? did i? yes mother you did.

she said am i crazy? pam (my sister) treats me like im crazy. no, no mother youre not crazy. youve gotten older and youve had the stroke and that makes ppl get very forgetful sometimes but they dont realize that theyve become that way. youre just really forgetful now but not crazy. i asked her again to be patient with pam, shes doing her best.

could i feel any sadder for my mother? not at this moment, no.

she said that she wanted to come back here. i told her she can. just let me know when and ill get you.

before she hung up she said...thank you. thank you for telling me im not crazy.

drivers license revoked

no no not mine, my mothers. after my mother went home, i told my sister that she absolutely couldnt drive anymore. so my sister took the keys to her truck. my mother was LIVID. she has cursed my sister, thrown tantrums like a child. i talked to my mother on the phone and said its best that she not drive anymore. its just not safe. she's so angry though. and i can understand. i really do understand. i try to imagine how i would feel if someone started taking my independence away from me. i have the good fortune to have studied geriatrics and have worked on and off as a geriatric nurse so i understand well how shes thinking and what behaviour to expect. my sister on the other hand does not. she argues with her like they are both children. my sister is the only one there to take care of her. so she goes daily to make sure her meds are correct and that she has everything that she needs. my sister cried the other day because my mothers angry words are cutting her to the quick. i tried my best to comfort her but had to remind her too, that our mother is old and we cant treat her badly. just let her say what she has to say and go on with it. i feel bad that my sister is the only one dealing with it daily.

well, my mother went out a few months ago and bought a 400 dollar three wheel bicycle to ride around the neighborhood. about a week ago, my sister got a call. my mother, in her most stubborn determination, got on that bicycle and rode to the locksmiths office to get them to make a key for her truck. she had planned to make her great escape! she confessed that she was going to pack that truck to the rim and come either to my home or my oldest brothers home in tennessee. GOddddddddddddddddd! she was totally exhaused to the point of collapse. that was the phone call my sister got. my exhausted mother was stranded at that office on that damned bicycle and couldnt get home. so my poor sister, who lives more than 10 miles from my mother, came to rescue her. and she took the bicycle to her house. so now my mother is TWICE as mad at her and really verbally abusive. i told my mother today to stop being mean to my sister. that she had to remember all the good things that my sister does for her. i told her that shes really hurting her feelings. i told my mother too that i know how she feels. that shes losing her independence and her life and i know its hard. i told her that my sister is there for all of us, to help our mother.

the drivers license. well my sister called my mothers doctor and he wrote the state to have them revoke the license due to dementia. my mother? she got the letter yesterday. your license is permanently revoked and you are no longer permitted to operate a vehicle on any road due to DEMENTIA. my poor poor mother. how does getting a shitty letter like THAT make you feel?? her mind is slipping badly but she still comprehends everything. she still processes. i felt so so so sad for her. that beautiful lady who worked so hard to maintain our life after my father died. my mom, who spent her life making beautiful flower arrangements, who won medals and ribbons in the senior olympics, won flower arrangement competitions year after year after year. when her friends were sick? she was the FIRST one at their door. she never let anyone down.

oh my heart is aching and breaking and twisting. and everytime i write about her i cry dammit.

satan likes pork?

i havent had a bite of pork, well intentionally, in a long long time. even before i reverted to islam. i say intentionally because sometimes weve started to eat to discover that pork bits or flavoring or something had been added. or things like eating marshmallows with gelatin. that type of thing.

anyway, i never ate much pork anyway throughout my life. but my major downfall was bacon. i didnt do hams, pork chops and all that stuff but bacon? i could eat it at every meal!

but i put it behind me for the sake of God.


until thursday.........for the first time in a long long time, i actually looked at the bacon and CRAVED it!! i was at work and went through the breakfast line. i looked at the bacon and it looked so desirable!! i thought oh what the heck get some.............but i didnt. i fought the urge and was actually shocked at my thought!! then at lunch time, there were some veggies flavored with ham. again!! i thought wow that looks good just get some. but again i did not get it.

boy that satan must reallllyyyyy like pork to be pushing me to eat it too!!! it wasnt even me just desiring it, i actually didnt feel like i cared...that it was ok to have some.

well i left the pork for shaitan that day. audhu billahi minash shaitan nirajeem. hope he enjoyed it. greasy mouth and all.