how much can a heart break

my sister called me tonight, yes the one who is caring for my mother. she told me that she was taking our mother to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can put her in a nursing home for rehab for about 30 days. rehab? rehab for what?! there is no rehab for dementia!! i said what exactly do you think rehab will do for her? she said that my mother is not doing well. and i told her didnt i tell you to send her to me?? she said yes you did, but she will exhaust you.

exhaust me?

exhaust me?

didnt we all exhaust her when she gave birth to us? didnt we exhaust her as she got up with us during the night, cared for us when we were sick, took us to the doctor, when our father died didnt we really exhaust her? 7 children. 7 children she had..has.

we owned a grocery store. my father, god rest his soul, died without a penny of life insurance. his brothers and sisters took our grocery store from us. we were well off financially before they took our source of income.

but not after he died. no. she struggled with her businesses. there were times we had nothing in the refrigerator. there were times that i had no clothes for school and had to rummage through my sisters old clothes to find something to wear. and no they didnt fit either.

wasnt she exhausted?

with all that we put her through growing up........did she ever turn her back one single time? no

my sister said that she talked with "the others" and they said "do what you have to do" what the hell? i said, who? who did you talk to that said do what you have to do? well not everybody, just one of them. oh really?

i will come to get her. take her to the doctor tomorrow and see what he says. i told her that mother will never be cared for properly in a nursing home. ive worked in them off and on for 20 years dont you think i know what goes on?

i am not turning my back on her. she is so ...........................pitiful.

she is so frail.

weak

cant remember how to cook eggs.

she just cant.

not anymore.

i love her.

i spoke to her after i talked to my sister.

she was laughing that laugh. my mothers laugh.

help me God. i dont know either.

drivers license revoked

no no not mine, my mothers. after my mother went home, i told my sister that she absolutely couldnt drive anymore. so my sister took the keys to her truck. my mother was LIVID. she has cursed my sister, thrown tantrums like a child. i talked to my mother on the phone and said its best that she not drive anymore. its just not safe. she's so angry though. and i can understand. i really do understand. i try to imagine how i would feel if someone started taking my independence away from me. i have the good fortune to have studied geriatrics and have worked on and off as a geriatric nurse so i understand well how shes thinking and what behaviour to expect. my sister on the other hand does not. she argues with her like they are both children. my sister is the only one there to take care of her. so she goes daily to make sure her meds are correct and that she has everything that she needs. my sister cried the other day because my mothers angry words are cutting her to the quick. i tried my best to comfort her but had to remind her too, that our mother is old and we cant treat her badly. just let her say what she has to say and go on with it. i feel bad that my sister is the only one dealing with it daily.

well, my mother went out a few months ago and bought a 400 dollar three wheel bicycle to ride around the neighborhood. about a week ago, my sister got a call. my mother, in her most stubborn determination, got on that bicycle and rode to the locksmiths office to get them to make a key for her truck. she had planned to make her great escape! she confessed that she was going to pack that truck to the rim and come either to my home or my oldest brothers home in tennessee. GOddddddddddddddddd! she was totally exhaused to the point of collapse. that was the phone call my sister got. my exhausted mother was stranded at that office on that damned bicycle and couldnt get home. so my poor sister, who lives more than 10 miles from my mother, came to rescue her. and she took the bicycle to her house. so now my mother is TWICE as mad at her and really verbally abusive. i told my mother today to stop being mean to my sister. that she had to remember all the good things that my sister does for her. i told her that shes really hurting her feelings. i told my mother too that i know how she feels. that shes losing her independence and her life and i know its hard. i told her that my sister is there for all of us, to help our mother.

the drivers license. well my sister called my mothers doctor and he wrote the state to have them revoke the license due to dementia. my mother? she got the letter yesterday. your license is permanently revoked and you are no longer permitted to operate a vehicle on any road due to DEMENTIA. my poor poor mother. how does getting a shitty letter like THAT make you feel?? her mind is slipping badly but she still comprehends everything. she still processes. i felt so so so sad for her. that beautiful lady who worked so hard to maintain our life after my father died. my mom, who spent her life making beautiful flower arrangements, who won medals and ribbons in the senior olympics, won flower arrangement competitions year after year after year. when her friends were sick? she was the FIRST one at their door. she never let anyone down.

oh my heart is aching and breaking and twisting. and everytime i write about her i cry dammit.

i will take my mother home tomorrow

in the morning, i will meet my sister halfway. ill miss her alot. she is my mother after all. she is not hard to deal with at home, its just out in public that she gets out of hand. let me say that i wouldnt take her home just now but she is dying to get back to her home, her apartment, and i cant hold her here just yet. i cant help but wonder if i will suffer her fate when i get older. allahu alim.
i wonder, too, what will become of her in the coming days. her deterioration is quick. her own mother was relatively sane til her last day.

i looked at my mothers face and her hands and remembered her holding my children when they were babies. i tried to remember her face when she was still a working woman, having all of her faculties. i tried to remember how she looked when she would tell a story and laugh so hard but a good story not the same thing over and over as she does now. i thought even harder and tried to pull from my memory the face that i would see entering my school when she would bring cupcakes for my birthday. the face that stood over countless flower arrangements at her flower shop until she got it just right. the face that focused on her video games. she loved atari and nintendo. i still can see it although its faded.

her parents are dead, all of her sisters and brothers have passed except for one who is in his 90's now and was just put into a nursing home. i watched her in her room here as she listened to her old songs and gospel songs and saw the tears in her eyes. she told me that she is lonely and misses her mother. inshallah she will be with her again.

i was not always a good daughter but i hope that she will never hold this against me. i hope that she will have peace and comfort until her last day.

if this can happen, i wouldnt want another thing for myself.

siggghhhhhhhh

well i have to say that it hasnt been as hard as i thought it would be. she still has good sense for the most part. i can leave her alone for a little while if i need to run errands but i never stay away too long. my sister is the only one of my mothers 7 children that lives in our hometown with my mother. she goes to my mothers house daily to make sure her meds are set out, that food is not spoiled in the refrigerator, clothes are washed, etc. my poor sis is tired so im trying to get my mother to stay as long as she will but i know soon she will be homesick for her apartment and ill have to take her. but at least my sis is getting a small vacation.

we took her our to lunch today and she kept telling the waiters jokes. telling jokes. that in itself is ok but she would yell at them from across the restaurant to come back so that she could tell another. i kept reminding her that they were busy. and they were trying to be patient , but, well.........

then, we found a pencil on the window sill. my husband said he would keep it since he likes to sketch with pencils. my mother told him to hand her the pencil and she would keep it in her purse for him and give it to him when we get home. he handed it to her. she put it in her purse. then she looked at me and said "THERE!" and she SHOT ME A BIRD!!!!!!!!! i was stunned and shocked. my mother, in her right mind, would have been mortified at doing such a thing. i have NEVER seen her do that before. i just sighhhhhheeeedddd. what else could i do.

her mind comes and goes. its not as bad as i thought. but i dont see how she can go on living alone. she cant remember which pills she has taken or how many. this is the most dangerous part. no no i take that back. the most dangerous part is the fact that she still has a truck and the damned keys to it and drives all over the place!!! its time for her to stop driving. she wanted to take my car to the dept store but i made up some pitiful excuse about the car not working properly! she would get hit immediately here where i live not to mention that she would get lost trying to find her way around.

but she is my mom and i try to over look the confusion and off color jokes to the general public. i know they get uneasy though.

example of joke she told waiter. she asked another waiter to give her a bag. she called the waiter over (again) and said." put your hand in this bag". he did. when he put his hand in the bag she hand the bag tightly around his wrist. he tried to pull his hand out of the bag but each time he did she held on a little tighter. he said, "what are you doing?" PUNCHLINE...........i knew that if i ever got you in the sack you wouldnt know what to do". my husband laughed, i turned red, my 18 year old son nearly died of embarrasment ( he works there lol).

but we will make it through this!!! she doesnt have much longer on this earth and at least she is here even though her mind is not the best. my husbands mother passed away a few months ago so he reminds me that i still have her and to love her dearly!!

going to get my mother

my mother. she will be 84 in may. she had me when she was nearly 40 years old. yeah im the youngest of 7.

saturday ill go to my hometown to pick her up.

my father died when i was 10. i remember him sure but its my mother that i remember for everything.

she worked hard to keep me going. my other brothers and sisters had moved on. alot older than me. had married and had real careers when i was a kid.

my mother sent me to college. she came to me no matter what. even when i was mean to her or was impatient with her. i was her youngest and i took her for granted sometimes because i was a spoiled crappy kid.

she never remarried. she worked until just a few years ago at her flower shop. i wish you could see some of the things she made. shes damned awesome. i used to get mad at her for making me work in her flower shop during the busy holidays. but she needed help and i didnt realize at the time that i was talented.

i took a job as a teenager and even fresh out of college, and i didnt contribute a penny to her. i let her keep working while i had fun, bought new clothes and drove her car.

i married an abusive man. had children. when i called she came.

i wished i never married. i wished, then, that i stayed home with my mother.

i regretted not taking care of her after i started working but by then it was too late. i was divorced. a single mother. and, even on a nurses salary, could barely keep our heads above water.

she was so healthy. never had any problems. until a few years ago. high blood pressure. a minor stroke, small tia's. diabetes.

now?

she cant remember what she told you 5 mins ago. she cant remember what day it is. no she doesnt have alzheimers. she is old and the stroke and tia's have affected her thinking. she is frail and thin. she is old.

but when she laughs, i can see my mother. its the same laugh that i heard all of my laugh.

a shadow of my mother will be here in a few days.

i love her so much. God help her.