how much can a heart break

my sister called me tonight, yes the one who is caring for my mother. she told me that she was taking our mother to the doctor tomorrow to see if he can put her in a nursing home for rehab for about 30 days. rehab? rehab for what?! there is no rehab for dementia!! i said what exactly do you think rehab will do for her? she said that my mother is not doing well. and i told her didnt i tell you to send her to me?? she said yes you did, but she will exhaust you.

exhaust me?

exhaust me?

didnt we all exhaust her when she gave birth to us? didnt we exhaust her as she got up with us during the night, cared for us when we were sick, took us to the doctor, when our father died didnt we really exhaust her? 7 children. 7 children she had..has.

we owned a grocery store. my father, god rest his soul, died without a penny of life insurance. his brothers and sisters took our grocery store from us. we were well off financially before they took our source of income.

but not after he died. no. she struggled with her businesses. there were times we had nothing in the refrigerator. there were times that i had no clothes for school and had to rummage through my sisters old clothes to find something to wear. and no they didnt fit either.

wasnt she exhausted?

with all that we put her through growing up........did she ever turn her back one single time? no

my sister said that she talked with "the others" and they said "do what you have to do" what the hell? i said, who? who did you talk to that said do what you have to do? well not everybody, just one of them. oh really?

i will come to get her. take her to the doctor tomorrow and see what he says. i told her that mother will never be cared for properly in a nursing home. ive worked in them off and on for 20 years dont you think i know what goes on?

i am not turning my back on her. she is so ...........................pitiful.

she is so frail.

weak

cant remember how to cook eggs.

she just cant.

not anymore.

i love her.

i spoke to her after i talked to my sister.

she was laughing that laugh. my mothers laugh.

help me God. i dont know either.

drivers license revoked

no no not mine, my mothers. after my mother went home, i told my sister that she absolutely couldnt drive anymore. so my sister took the keys to her truck. my mother was LIVID. she has cursed my sister, thrown tantrums like a child. i talked to my mother on the phone and said its best that she not drive anymore. its just not safe. she's so angry though. and i can understand. i really do understand. i try to imagine how i would feel if someone started taking my independence away from me. i have the good fortune to have studied geriatrics and have worked on and off as a geriatric nurse so i understand well how shes thinking and what behaviour to expect. my sister on the other hand does not. she argues with her like they are both children. my sister is the only one there to take care of her. so she goes daily to make sure her meds are correct and that she has everything that she needs. my sister cried the other day because my mothers angry words are cutting her to the quick. i tried my best to comfort her but had to remind her too, that our mother is old and we cant treat her badly. just let her say what she has to say and go on with it. i feel bad that my sister is the only one dealing with it daily.

well, my mother went out a few months ago and bought a 400 dollar three wheel bicycle to ride around the neighborhood. about a week ago, my sister got a call. my mother, in her most stubborn determination, got on that bicycle and rode to the locksmiths office to get them to make a key for her truck. she had planned to make her great escape! she confessed that she was going to pack that truck to the rim and come either to my home or my oldest brothers home in tennessee. GOddddddddddddddddd! she was totally exhaused to the point of collapse. that was the phone call my sister got. my exhausted mother was stranded at that office on that damned bicycle and couldnt get home. so my poor sister, who lives more than 10 miles from my mother, came to rescue her. and she took the bicycle to her house. so now my mother is TWICE as mad at her and really verbally abusive. i told my mother today to stop being mean to my sister. that she had to remember all the good things that my sister does for her. i told her that shes really hurting her feelings. i told my mother too that i know how she feels. that shes losing her independence and her life and i know its hard. i told her that my sister is there for all of us, to help our mother.

the drivers license. well my sister called my mothers doctor and he wrote the state to have them revoke the license due to dementia. my mother? she got the letter yesterday. your license is permanently revoked and you are no longer permitted to operate a vehicle on any road due to DEMENTIA. my poor poor mother. how does getting a shitty letter like THAT make you feel?? her mind is slipping badly but she still comprehends everything. she still processes. i felt so so so sad for her. that beautiful lady who worked so hard to maintain our life after my father died. my mom, who spent her life making beautiful flower arrangements, who won medals and ribbons in the senior olympics, won flower arrangement competitions year after year after year. when her friends were sick? she was the FIRST one at their door. she never let anyone down.

oh my heart is aching and breaking and twisting. and everytime i write about her i cry dammit.