surrounded by ignorance

i am the only muslim working on my nursing unit. im ok with that!! but i found myself in a different situation about a week ago. i was eating lunch with my co workers and they started a campaign against muslims. it really started out as the same old tired rhetoric about barrack obama being a "closet" muslim. i added that obama couldnt be a muslim and attend church for TWENTY YEARS!!! the reply to that? well he knew he wanted to be president one day. TWENTY YEARS AGO??? wow thats some planning in advance.

anyway, i let them talk and enjoy their silly conversation until a young fellow starting spouting off about muslims in general and how they want to take over and and and and.........we've heard that story before.

i felt my face start to burn and im so sure it was super red. i calmly told him that i am a muslim and the things that he was saying were not true at all. he said that we want to put our faith before state. and i said anyone should put their faith before anything! God first.

he said well yeah thats true but muslims want to impose shariaa and violence and blah blah, terrorism, jihad, etc etc blah blah........i said youve been working with me for some time now.....do you think i am a terrorist? do you think i sit at home at night and plan on taking all of you out? i told him that dr's saleem and ahmed were at the desk right before i left the floor. go and ask them if they are plotting terrorism against the non muslim patients that they are taking care of now and trying to keep alive.

more ignorance.............one of the nurses said, but dr saleem is from pakistan! did i laugh in their face? i wanted to but i said pakistan IS a muslim country and dr saleem IS muslim.

where exactly does one have to be from to be a muslim i wondered.

the conversation went on and on and on. i found myself surrounded by a group of ppl who felt that it was ok to discuss islam like they were talking about something disgusting and stinking. i can remember times when someone, perhaps, wanted to discuss....lets say... 7th day adventists, well they wouldnt dare say anything bad about it if there were an adventist in their presence. but muslims? wow, we are definately the shaitans on earth according to many.

i ended my part with we worship the same and only God. and when you speak against "my" God..you are also condemning your own God.

later in the day, a couple of nurses offered an apology of sorts. one in particular wanted to make sure that i wasnt offended. i was and i wasnt though.

this conversation, if you can call it that, has stuck in my mind over the days though. i dont really want to get stuck in the middle of a lot of yelling ppl like that again. but alhamdulillah i didnt wither and keep my mouth shut, afraid to let anyone know that im a muslim. but its hard to make yourself heard when youre the only speaking for and the other 10 are ranting against.

isolated as a muslimah

well. i have to say that there are times i feel like i am floundering alone as a muslim sister. there is a good amount of sisters in my area although small compared to other areas in the usa. but most of them are foreigners. and that is not a problem to me but as hard as i have tried i just cant seem to find a real friendship. the sisters at the masjid have a tendancy to flock together in accordance to their home country. they speak their languages to each other. they will speak to me from time to time and they will sit with me but eventually they will find a sister from their home country to sit with. they all know each others children and really look to each other as a sister in islam. sometimes, we will have nights to bring food and the sisters will all bring dishes but noone thought to tell me about the potluck dinner. i think i am the only revert there. the rest of the sisters are born muslims.

i am a friendly outgoing person and i have never had any problems making friends my entire life. i have always been a welcoming person. if i see someone new i will go out of my way to make them feel comfortable and i mean anywhere....neighbor, work, even the masjid when i see a sister looking lost.

i have joined a few websites for muslim women and i try to join in but i swear i rarely get any response. i try to fit and its not that i DONT fit, its just that noone makes an effort to pull me into their conversation even when i post. i have a forum myself. women only. and we have had members over the years join but leave eventually and i finally realized that they too werent "pulled into the conversation". when members have gotten to know each other and give each other salams and cyber hugs the newest member feels so left out no matter how hard she tries. so i encouraged my members to always welcome the new ppl!!

i guess its the same at the masjid. perhaps the ladies dont realize that while they are all hugging and kissing and playing with each others kids, there is some lost soul like me wishing i was part of that group.

am i whining? i hope not, inshallah. i do feel left out. i wish more than anything that i had good muslim friends around me. but for now i have my non muslim friends. they love me dearly and think im cool lol.

so why is it that i dont fit in with the muslimahs? i do belong to one site where i fit it. i dont know whats different about that one. its coed. but i love the muslimah sites so much and wish i had the rapport in those as i do in other areas!! i wonder if its me at time. perhaps i give off a bad vibe i dont know.

talking to the air

i havent been around. not to my own blog anyway. ive been reading about the lives of others. i have read blogs that have made my heart heavy. heavy because i understand them. well not completely but about 80%.
i have been reading blogs mainly about women involved in polygamous marriages. many of them not really choosing this life but forced into it by their dear husbands.

i have studied islam for several years and finally said shahada this past may. let me say that i fought islam for a long time. it made sense to me and at the same time it didnt. i couldnt let go of my christian ideals, even though i wasnt the most religious person in the world. some of the things in the Qu'ran just COULD NOT BE.

perhaps over the past year and a half, i began to think like a muslim without even realizing that i was thinking like a muslim lol.

then one day, i realized that i believed. but one of the things that i had a problem with is the 4 wives. polygamy. i understood why it was allowed, at the time! but i see no point in it this day and age. oh yeah there are some women who want it and i say more power to you. but a man taking another wive at the expense of the sanity of his first wife is unfathomable to me.

not to mention the children from the first marriage. how the hell do you go from full time dad to, "well son ill see you on YOUR day".

my husband used to tell me that i couldnt pick and choose what i want to accept in islam and i realize that. but i am not one that can handle another woman in my husbands life. that part, i told him, is MY right.

i had kinda settled down about the polygamy thing until i started reading the blogs. the suffering of some of these women is....is....i dont even know what word is good enough.

but what i do know, this kind of situation is not good in the eyes of Allah. He did not mean for a man to break the hearts of his wives by taking other wives. that was not the intention. and we know intention means everything.

my husband always says he has no desire for another wife. but how many times has a man said this and went right on to pick another wife.

all i can say is, for the women who are happy and stable in a polygamous marriage...alhamdulillah. mabruk. im happy that youre happy and that you found a decent man who knew how to make it work.

to the ladies whose posts ive been reading. here is a collective heartfelt hats off to all of you. because i feel your suffering.

inshallah you will have the best rewards in jannah.