i am not me

not anymore....somehow, somewhere in all of this tragedy, i woke up to find that ive changed drastically.

i dont feel humorous and light anymore. i dont know how to take on the world as i used to.

ive lost trust in others. even those with the best intentions.

ive become irritable and impatient.

and i feel like i dont care.

my immature viewpoint

ok so.

hmmm

ive decided that for an old broad, im immature (you didnt think i named this blog that for the heck of it did you?).

im still very sad about elji but with the help from Allah ive been able to make it through my days a bit better.

im good sometimes, sometimes i panic and wish more than anything for him.

best thing is, even though i dont sleep well still, im not yanked awake anymore by that mysterious pair of hands at 2am...hmmm could that be the super mega dose of benadryl i take each night? yeah maybe.

i still pray we can get our chance...

but im preparing myself to go on with life in case we dont.

wow, i really thought we were gonna make it...see how immature i am? how silly?

old gal/young guy. american/brit. irish american background/pakistani background. born muslim/revert. divorcee/never been married....ya Allah..looooool. my immature brain.

funny thing is...elji actually liked it cause my mind was young....he requested i stay like that even when we grow old together...ouch that memory hurts a bit but inshallah.

at least i dont cry all the time anymore...i think i dont have anymore tears.

lets lighten it up a bit.....

what was i like in university?? well, lol, i was crushing big time on these guys!!! all lovely brits by the way...unfortunately i cant get the code for the real video for the second one.

ive yet to see a sunny day

as much as ive tried, i cant seem to find the brightness in any day. i hate what life has dealt me at this point. i try not to resent, i try to accept what Allah has given me and forge ahead but its damned hard. im not sure whats going to happen at this point but i do know that my gut stays in a constant roll and im sick of it.

another thing? what happened to friends that just simply offered their hand when you needed one to hold? what happened to shoulders when you needed one to cry on? what happened to "im here for you no matter what." why do friends feel the need to tell what youve done wrong, how youve done wrong, when you did wrong and how they would just love to shake some sense into you. sure some will say they do it cause they care but why not just listen when i need that?? because im confiding doesnt mean i always am seeking advice. just an ear at times.

we've all gone through things in our lives that others may not understand, may not sympathize with, may not have done it that way themselves....but when did we all become so hard and remote that we cant even just be a friend and listen. since when do we all have to have the same decisions, live life the same way, all feel the same feelings and when did we all start not understanding just because another doesnt think or feel the same way. when did we decide that when a person isnt resilient and doesnt bounce back quickly that they are weak and a lesser person. that that person is no longer the person you thought they were.

i am me. i am the me i have always been. i have not changed..but i HAVE been through a situation that no person alive should have to go through. but i did and at this point im still going through it.

i have been judged, spit on and slandered by an entire family, judged and shaken by friends. all in the matter of ONE MONTH.

i am not having an easy time at all. whose fault? why does it have to be anyones fault. why cant it just be the circumstances of the time. just be whats going on in my life. why does their have to be fault.

someone wrote me and said you talk about elji as if he were your hero... a reader from this blog as a matter of fact. said that i had lived my entire life without him and had him for only one year of that life..get over it.

yeah well you know what? he was my hero. and i dont regret a single moment that i spent with him. yes he and i made some major mistakes and i have no doubt that we're paying for those mistakes now. but i dont regret meeting him. i dont regret loving him. i dont regret anything except ever telling his family the way we did.

i honestly dont know what will become of elji and me...i dont know yet....Allahu alim.

i have had maybe 2 or 3 ppl who just listened and gave me a hug when i needed it. and i love them dearly. that didnt say jana youre insane, nuts, you should get over it, you should be shaken, youre an idiot...etc etc etc.

between the putdowns from his family and the putdowns from my friends...ive just had enough.

am i angry? yes a bit. at the whole situation. at the entire thing.

i wake up each day praying that something will get better...that something will give.....that i can stop my head from whirling. that through all of this either elji or me will gain some strength from Allah. i pray and i pray and i pray.

i just want my life back. i want my life back.

i did talk to him

...i did. he is home. he is ok at best but as sad as i am. we are no more for the sake of his parents. at least now i know.

i wont be blogging for a while because this is too private, raw and emotional

salam for now

listening to recitation

...of the Qur'an gives me comfort more than anything. same time makes me feel an ache. reminds me of the prayers being read for me.

im trying to get my life on track. trying to forget. trying to forge on with my life.

it is NOT easy.

i cant believe how far ive fallen.

emotionally that is.

i still shake inside.

but on the outside im cool as a cucumber.

at least i can do that.

i know one day ill be ok inshallah.

but i wont likely forget.

i had no idea our memories would be only that so quickly..memories. i thought we would have a lifetime of memories. i still thank Allah for what i do have.

highlands especially...that was going to be where we were going for our honeymoon. scotland. the highlands.

you know, i really hope that his family didnt convince him that im a bad person. i think that would hurt me more than anything to be honest. even more than his deserting me. even more than finding out he is married......to find out that he believed i was a bad person and not worth having would kill. inshallah he didnt.

i received this in an email yesterday....must remind myself of it often.

“Be passionate about life and family, be forgiving to misdeeds, be understanding of circumstance, and be dignified in your judgments. Love yourself and your life; don't regret what you have done, don't wish for different things, just be happy in what you are and where the journey of life will take you."

work is good medicine

ive discovered that the days i have to work are actually better for me. i work hard and barely have time to think about too much else.

alhamdulillah that i have a busy job!

im ok, i actually slept all night last night (benadry still, but i slept).

i still find myself wondering what happened , what happened and what happened. no its not all i think about, but that thought creeps through every so often.

we were well on our way to marrying, to making a future together. suddenly im at a loss. such a loss.

could i have been so wrong about all of this?

all i can ask for is just to know where he is, if he is ok and what happened to separate the inseparable.

the raw ache

i feel like i have been left with a raw heart. just aches so badly dont know what to do.

time heals all........oh when can i have my time?