To lament or not to lament

i dont think that anyone truly desires to lament. i personally believe that the act of lamenting is a desperate feeling. a feeling so haunting that it can crush your spirit.

lamenting is akin to death, init?

i do lament...i lament that light that i knew. i lament that joy and excitement that i knew. i lament the bond that was shared. i lament knowing and having. i lament the loss of protection and love.

i do, indeed, lament.

but this is not something that ive chosen. things and people come and go. nothing stays the same but there are some losses that create such a void, such sorrowfulness and melancholy that its like part of your flesh, part of your soul. even when you try to wash it away or wrap it up and stack it neatly in some inner corner, it sticks.  it dims for a while but then it shows up so unexpectedly. a song, a quote, a joke, a laugh, a color....anything can bring it back from its dormancy.

it can grip you with such pain and force that you dont know how to overcome it sometimes.

this is one of my favorite songs but it creates that feeling with such intensity.....i understand these words so well.

though im sure the pain will lessen, this is one feeling i will take to the end with me......Elji

im living half of a life

i miss having a husband. im still married but im not at the same time. legally im married to my husband of ten years but i havent lived with him since 2008. one day, ill divorce him...it is costly.

in the meantime, ive grown older and lonely.  i watch other couples having a great time and wish i could rejoin the ranks. i feel like im out of the club..on the outside looking in.

i try not to let it bother me but it does. especially around any holiday time when family's are preparing for the big days. or when i wish i had someone with which to share a cup of coffee.

sometimes, i just wish that my husband had left me alone, had not pursued me but thats not how it happened and i got married to the wrong person.  when we were together, i didnt know that he was the wrong person. amazingly enough, up until the time he left, i thought we had a good marriage.

goes to show you....you never really know a person do you?

anyway, thats where i am. wishing i had a partner, yet still tied to another and the world keeps spinning.

im 51, i shouldnt be having to think of looking for someone...i should be looking to settle down for the gray years.

new blog on the block

hi all!
just wanted to let you know that my daughter in law has just started blogging for the first time!

she has lost nearly 100 pounds and she has really great advice that she actually lives by!

visit when you can...

stefanie's road to a healthier lifestyle

new blogger on blogspot.com for young mothers

just wanted to give a little publicity to a new blogger, jessie!! she is one of my daughter's friends and was on FB giving really wise advice last night so i told her that i thought she could do a great job blogging!! so now she is here and i wanted to provide the link for others.

http://youngmama2211.blogspot.com/2013/05/welcome.html

please help her get her blog going!!!

thanks!

nothing like a saturday morning!

it is the best feeling to wake up without an alarm clock and not have to go anywhere at all!!  the first thing i do is let the dogs out for their bathroom break then head to the coffee pot!

i come to my computer and play a couple of games on FB, read the news, look at the squirrels and birds outside, play with the dogs, listen to music......and pray that no one wakes up until at least noon!

silence is lovely on a saturday morning!

ive been thinking of returning to egypt, taking the youngest with me of course to visit with family there. it would be the first time  going there without my husband being with us. i think thats why ive postponed it for so long.

why wont he be going? because he is still here in the usa living on his own in seattle.  dont ask. i asked a million times and never received a valid answer. so i formed my own answers and went on about life.

we are still legally married, in case youre wondering.  i often wonder if we will ever end this union or if i will leave this earth still hooked to him.

God only knows.

so...im back to immature viewpoints and wondering about life.

amazing how some people are so settled yet people like me are forever wondering about life.

one can only wonder

i often wonder if i ever cross your mind as you do mine. life jogs it doesnt stroll or walk. it jogs, it sprints, it runs. and sometimes you cant catch it, can you? so many things make me think of you or make me remember. i try not to remember but the mind has its own agenda. all of trials were for naught. you have to ask why we go through trials when there is no real outcome.

my daughter is having a baby

my oldest daughter is having a baby this month. its her first and she is so up and down. the least little pain drives her into a tizzy which drives me into a tizzy because i want her to calm down and understand how things work...in other words im impatient with her. i keep tellilng her ive been through this 5 times plus im a nurse so PLEASE calm down. her friends tell her to run to the emergency room for the least little thing and im always sighing.

i dont get excited about medical things i guess, yep, even pregnancy. i think being a nurse for 25 years kind of makes you a little too calm with things!!

its not that i dont care. of course i do, but dear God, how is she ever going to handle the real thing when labor really starts? ill need to wear a swimming cap so that neither she nor i can pull out my hair! anyway, her little girl is due on march 26th, a day before my birthday!! her name is going to be Winter and her middle name is something like this....kiaria..i have no clue how to spell it but i do know how to say it.... it would be pronounced like this KEE AIR EE AY. so there!! wish us luck for the remainder of the pregnancy. im taking the two girls (my daughters) to atlanta for the weekend to give the pregnant daughter her last outing before having to tote a baby along.

the spaghetti made them do it!

i recently had all of the kids (minus my oldest who lives in N.C.) over for a spaghetti dinner. must have been too rich because they decided to break into a harlem shake!!